I woke up at 12:25 A.M. so that I can see the last session for Cowboy Bebop. At around 12:37...I changed it over to the Conan 'OBrian show during the comercial. At the bottom edge of the TV I read a subtitle as Conan was telling a joke: George Harrison died after battling cancer in Los Angeles today.

And I thought he was doing fine in the situation. He died at 1:30 P.M. yesterday. It made me think about what I could have been doing during that time. I was working overtime while everyone else in my department was leaving home. I was bummed out.

Now...I just...I guess there could be something more worse than working overtime. Like losing a person that you love. I've been through that twice. I'd hate to go through that again.

No one wants to join my club.

What's Wrong with the Regan Boy

Go there and you will see why.

The guy from work talked to me.

I know that after that, I am going to look at him in a different way. His name is Mani, by the way. I am sure I would have enjoyed him, but due to my "anxiety," I couldn't think straight, let alone TALK straight. I was ridding a bummer at work.

"Hey, Weezer. What's your name?" He asked. I was wearing a Weezer long sleeve T-shirt.

Good one.

One time, I was called Nimrod. (I was wearing a Green Day T-shirt) All the guys at work are great. Mike, Andrew and now Mani. I still have yet to meet the rest. They treat me...well, they know I exist. I guess that's good enough. Also today, this other guy came up to me.

"Do you know how to dye hair?" He asked in Spanish.

"No, not really, I've never dyed my own hair," I replied, in Spanish.

"Oh, you get it done at a salon?" He asked.

"No, my mother's friend does it for me," I said.

"Ok, thank you." He said. Then left.

So, what was THAT all about? Did he want me to dye HIS hair? Did he want to make conversation? No one has ever asked me if I could dye hair, let alone a guy. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Maybe he really was looking for someone who knew how to dye hair. Not that I don't know how...that's easy shit. I just don't trust myself with dye or ANYTHING that has to do with the word "permanent." No fuckin' way.

Oh yeah, the weather. Two words: FUCKIN' FREEZING! But I live in SoCal. So for those who live in colder places and think they are hard shit...you can bite me. Hard. It hasn't been this cold in three years. I remember this summer, I hoped that it would be very cold this year. Well, my wish was granted...dammit. Me and my big, chapped mouth. Next time, I'm going to wish for some new Chucks. Orange ones, too. Yeah...tie-dye is even better.

So, why are the people who died on Sept. 11 being called heroes?

I don't understand. None of them knew what was going to happen. Well, maybe some of them could have been trying to be heroes. I just have a different perception of a hero. I guess I shouldn't really say anything. I wasn't there.

I know I am not the only one who in confused about all that has happened.

Note to self: make Dumb Laws posters for high school.

I tried to order my Bebop DVD set yesterday. Borders wouldn't take my card. Bastards. Anyway. I don't have the Visa or Master Card goodies...not cool.

My mother asked me about it today and she has given me the privilege to let me use HER card instead. All I have to do is transfer some of my money into her card. Sounds good to me. ANYTHING to get that set.

Max Cannon: creator of all that is twisted and fucked (well, not really)

It's almost a year since I became a fan of Red Meat. I can't get enough of it. Even though I missed four years of Red Meat, I still consider myself a hardcore fan. I had to catch up in less than a year. I want to become the next Max Cannon one day.

I'll be Cristal Bernal: creator of all that is twisted and fucked AND tasteless. Yep. That'll be me.

Only, I have Spex and Jonah. I'll create more characters soon. I suck at comics, but at least I try.

Check this:

I cut my hair yesterday. *I* cut my hair. I went to get my hair done a few weeks ago and the fucker called a barber cut my hair really bad. I got home and cut just a little bit. The little bit was a mistake. But I love mistakes, sometimes. So it was cool. Well, I decided to finish the job yesterday.

I took my stereo in the bathroom, put some Puddle of Mudd and started to fuck up my hair. It's the second or third time I have done this, mind you. I started to snip. I mean it...literally. I would say, "snip, snip," as I cut my hair very short. Just like Fozzy would have. I would try to even it up, so I would cut more and more.

Now, it's the shortest I've had in over seven years. It's still fucked up and a little under my ears...a little. The front part is still long. I guess I am trying to have the Faye look. Or maybe like that girl from Titan A.E. Some shit like that. It'll grow back. I have too much hair anyway. I shave the bottom half every month or so. So I win this time.

Last session for Cowboy Bebop is on today. Even though I already know what's going to happen. I am gonna get the set dammit! And I don't care HOW much it costs! ($179) I gotta have it.

Cowboy Bebop-The Perfect Sessions

My inner twin: Spongebob Squarepants.

Really.

"Ohhhhhh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Spongebob Squarepants!
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.
Spongebob Squarepants!
If nautical nonsense be something you wish.
Spongebob Squarepants!
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish.
Spongebob Squarepants!"

"Ready!"

"I love to singa...about the moona and the juna and the springa..."
Wait....wrong song. Wrong cartoon.

::watching Earth Girls Are Easy::

So...I decided to buy a DVD player for the family. Generous, you may say. No way. I did it because I want to be able to use this set of DVDs that I am planning to buy.

Another string has decided to commit suicide today. Fuck, I need to get it fixed before ALL the fuckin' strings follow the leader. I am full of shitty bad luck.

For example: guys. I don't seem to attract them. I wonder if there is something wrong with me...I mean REALLY. OK, I know that I am not to die for, but I also know that I am not butt-ugly. I am overweight (I weigh 230), but when people ask for my weight and I tell them they are surprised and shit. They tell me I don't look it. I'm not only overweight...I am thick as well. I wear a size 40C, but I don't feel like they are that size. I have T and A. I guess it's better to have a big ass than a flat ass when you're fat.

Maybe I look mean. I probably scare people away. I'm very nice though. Too nice, I must say. Or maybe I am just wanting something so bad, that I am overlooking at the real answer. I guess if I want to meet someone...I should start going out more. I'll start going to the Improv more often. Man, I can be so delusional sometimes.

I know what I need.....self-esteem in a jar with a spoon full of security.

There is a lot of full powered rain right now. Close to flood. (Particle Man, Particle Man....).

I love it, I love it! Nothing better than gray skies and lots of rain drops. Well, there is something better, but...no nevermind.

I saw an old alumni of mine when I went shopping at Target a while ago. Edson. He tried to "scare" me, but failed. I saw him, but it took me a while to recognize him. He still looks the same and IS the same. He called me a back stabber because I was buying a Reeces and Tony the Tiger T-shirts and was wearing a Slacker in form of the Sneakers logo shirt. I guess he expected me to be that same chick he last saw in Government class: Black wearing, spike and pin abuser, bipolar, manic depressive, punk, slacker. Now I am just a slacker....apperance-wise. I didn't give a fuck, but he was joking. After that we just parted until a little while later when I was waiting for my mother. I was standing next to some guy long sleeve shirts. Edson came by and picked one up.

"Thinking of buying it..?" I asked

He just unfolded it and put it back...not neat.

"Ohh, I see..." I said then laughed.

He turned and started to walk away while he did the "rock/devil" sign.

Then I turned and laughed the word "asshole." He's a funny asshole, though. I love that guy.

Oh yeah, I fixed my site a little. Some dude, who goes by the name of Nick, e-mailed me and gave me complements on my site. Showed me his and I noticed we both have the same background. They clashed and I decided to change it. It's even better than before.

RPEINC

Take a look at it. One thing...I am not done yet. I've had this site for a long time, but my job won't let me work on it. I have an appointment with The Sandman every time I get back from work and it usually ends at around ten. I go back to sleep right after.

New dilema: College.

My E string broke two days ago. : (

I went to Borders yesterday to see what books I can buy. I saw this really neat chord book at work Wednesday and since it was shipped that same day, I figured it would get there by yesterday. I was right. I got 33% off every item that I bought. I bought the chord book and two Simpsons books (the episode guides). All of that for 30 bucks. BELIEVE ME that ain't bad. It all could have cost me something over 40. I really wanted to get the National Lampoon's True Facts: The Big Book (or some shit like that). I hesitated and left it for some other radical soul to recieve it. I'll get it next time.

Drum lessons today. I had the strangest dream about my sister's drum teacher. I'll leave that off for another time. I gotta brush my hair today. Ugh. I hate doing it, but once your hair starts to stand up by itself (without the gel goodies) it's time to tame it.

I Never Told You

I love the way you hurt me inside…
Hablando de tu nuevo amor.

You act like I was never yours…
Dejandome con un odio lleno de dolor.

Even though you gave me life…
Como un Dios, me lo arrebataste.

I broke down with a numbing pain…
Cuando tu me dejaste.

Now that you know…
Mi alma puede seguir con tranquilidad y paz.

I learned that without you…
Sigo siendo la misma de ayer…

…But stronger.

Sometimes...I know too much.

Brain cells are being decapitated every time I think...deep think.

Damn the scars on my arm. Actually.....hold on....

Well, I counted thirty-nine. But only the ones that were visible. In other words...the ones that pop out of my skin. I only have eleven or so on my other arm. If I were to count ALL of the self-inflicted scars that I have all over my body...I think I'd have over 150. It's nothing to be proud of. I am ashamed of them, sometimes. Someday, I will post some pictures of my scars. I guess, since they are there forever, I might as well turn them into some form of art.

I haven't harmed me-self in over five months. ::pats herself in the back::

It's the longest I've been without X-acto knives and such.

I do miss it, though.

Well, finally...I have my blog template the way that I want it. Oook, it's close enough. Blog doesn't have a lot of choices and I got tired of hunting for some. So, I just grabbed one that was decent and changed the fonts and colors. I did my best, dammit.

I got up over an hour ago, thinking it was time for work. Heh. I am so used to getting up this early I couldn't help it.

You know, I never did talk about the new Kittie CD. I'll tell you...if you don't like hardcore rock...I mean HARD, then don't buy this CD. I really suck at putting things into category, but I would say this CD has hard rock, death metal, sweet vocal melodies...and um, a lot of screaming.

It's good...very good. I still think their first CD is a little better, but I am sure THAT opinion will change in time.

And girls,

"Take so much away from inside you. Makes no sense you know he can't guide you. He's your fucking shoulder to lean on. BE STRONG!"-Talena

Damn, I miss that girl.

I am in a little dilema.

My aunt wants to borrow some money from me.

500 to be exact.

::sigh:: I hate stuff like this. The real world sucks ass.

My stogie! Waaaaa!

Heh. Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Good oldie.

And so…due to difficulties beyond my control…

Goddamn you are pathetic, whore!

Damn, it’s Cristal #2 again. You know what? I’ve had it up to HERE with that bitch. Every time I begin to think about something beautiful, loopy or sweet, especially about me-self, she comes in and interrupts me. Calls me foul names and such. She puts me down a lot. And so I shut me-self up.

I know…it sounds…a little neurotic, but it’s true. It happens a lot and it’s been happening for a long time. I just never noticed it before. Well, not until a few weeks ago.

Leaves are turning yellow...they have been for a long while now. It's about time too. I just can't wait for them to turn orange and red. It looks cool when one drives down 5th Street, but when you walk.....it's a different point of view. Sometimes I feel like I am in a movie. That's how surreal my town can be.

Same old shit....different day...

Gotta get up...

(I used to say that and now it has turned into a song)

(me singing)

...Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Preoccupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my sea
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my sea
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you where to runaway

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me...

Blurry by Puddle of Mudd

Yeah, yeah...I sing a lot.

I bought two CDs today. Puddle of Mudd and Kittie. I wish I had gotten Puddle of Mudd sooner. In other words...I am kicking my ass right now for not doing so. Puddle of Mudd is one of those bands that are AMAZING, AWESOME and IN-fuckin'-CREDIBLE!!! It's a good example of what my heart is into. Good ol' hard rock. I can't live without it, man.

I also bought a model of my dream car. A 1970 Chevelle SS. And it's almost in the color that I want it, only this one is red with black stripes instead of black with red stripes. This old dude who lives in my street has a Chevelle. Ever since I moved to Ontario, I have fallen in love with it. His is a burgundy color with black stripes. Makes me drool when I see it. Especially since he spends a vast amount of time cleaning it and fixing it. He takes it to shows to...well, show it off. One day I will have my own.

I am falling in love all over again....

It's an unbreakable cycle with music and I.

I said "I do" when I was three and I have been nothing but loyal.

All I need now is someone to share it with.

It's three or so in the morning. I clock in at work in about an hour and I leave in thirty minutes.

I would never have thought that I'd be getting up at two-thirty everyday just to get ready for long, 10 hour work day. It sux, but oh well. OK, the ONLY reason I've been getting up at two-thrity was to fix my hair a bit. It's a little work to keep it straight since I am naturally curly. No, wait...I am BEYOND natural. It's a combo of curly, wavy, puffy, thick, shitty, fucked up...I still dig it. But my hair is even better when it's curly. It's softer.

This guy at work complemented me and my hair yesterday (which is VERY rare for a guy to do when it comes to saying something nice like that to me). He just told me that he liked my hair a lot...straight.

"So, you decided to brush your hair, man."

"Yup. And it's true, I never brush my hair. The way I wake up is how I show up at work."

"There is no way in hell I am going to dress well for work. Why the fuck? You look like shit at the end of the day, so why bother."

"True."

So, It's time for another bitching day...BITCHING...NOT bitchin'. There is no fun in work until I am doing some graphic designing or flashes for a living. That'll be the day.

I hope to turn my comic or cartoon dogs into flashes....Man, that would be so fuckin' awesome!

Riding in the Car Like Idiots

(James, Eddie and Andy going through a Sig Alert listening to the radio)

Eddie: (singing) All byy myy-self...

James: What in the fuck are you listening to?

Eddie: What?

Andy: (gives Eddie a "like you don't know" look)

Eddie: I happen to like this song, ok.

James: Goddamn, you are lame.

Eddie: Well, fuck you too!

Andy: Just fuckin' change it.

Eddie: Fine.

Eddie: (puts in a cassette)

Stereo: "I like big butts and I cannot lie..."

Eddie: You other brothers can't deny!

James and Andy: Turn that SHIT off!!

Eddie: Jeeze, ok!

James: What in the fuck is your problem, Eddie?

Eddie: (puts in another tape)

Stereo: "I'm the only gay eskimo...I'm the only one I know..."

Andy: (gets gun from glove compartment and places it against Eddie's head)

Eddie: (brains are blown out)

(car swerves and crashes into a freeway wall and blows up with James and Andy burning alive)

End.

Back to that guy...

Well, today me and this chick were unpacking books and what not, when he passed by us. I heard the chick give a little "Oww" type of girl cat-call.

I asked, "what?"

"Nothing...why?" she asked.

"Well, you said 'Oww'." I said. "What was that all about?"

"Did I say that outloud?" she asked.

"Yep," I replied.

I guess she has noticed that guy too. Then she tells me that she feels he stares at her. Thank God I wasn't the only one who felt that way. But because of that and him, I have been a bit paranoid...well...more than usual.

There is this guy at work. I can't help but stare at him. I don't want to like anyone in that way again. It sux. But I can't help it. Sometimes I feel like he stares at me, but then again, I am not normal looking. Well, except for my friends, they all think I am normal.

I gotta stop thinking in that way. No one really wants me. I've never really had a boyfriend. OH SHUT UP!!! Ok, I gotta stop. I am getting very lame here. Ha ha.

Juliette came over. She is the third person, whom I call a friend, to come over my house. Not a lot of people do. The ones who do invite themselves. We had a good time. I haven't seen her since graduation. She lost weight. I feel envious. My mother tells me that I am losing weight too, but I don't see it. All I see is someone who could be beautiful being drowned by fat.

Anyway. Like I said, we had fun. We played guitar together and shared our drawings and poems. I introduced her to TMBG (again) and she took my STD and Flood CDs. She borrowed the same CDs months ago, but I guess she didn't really notice. She showed me this new "punk" jig and tried to make me dance it. One thing I am not...a dancer. But she made me do it. Then we played with my hats. It was...strange. Listened to music, talked and played Half-Life...it was all good.

We also dipped our fingers into my blackcherry candles....we had WAX fingers...it was cool...especially when one of the pieces of wax turned into a boob. That was fun. Heh heh.

She digged my room. Everyone always loves my room. They tell me it's very...busy. I have green walls and green carpet....GREEN EVERYTHING. The whole goddamed house is fuckin' green! But it's all good. I have pins, knives, animals, faeries, and clothes all over my room. Along with pictures. Like I said...everyone likes my room. And so do I. I guess that's why I never leave it. I spend more than most of my time here.

Oh yeah, I tortured her a bit and made her listen to the Spice Girls. She and I are gonna have nightmares now. It beats dreaming about falling, though. I hate that feeling.

Joke for the day or week...whatever:

It comes from this book I bought today (National Lampoon's Truly Tastless Cartoons: The Best of the Worst)

(it's an editorial-like comic)

There are two blind people dining outside a restaurant and one of them says:

"Be careful! This soup is so hot, it's still bubbling!"

While there are two birds on top of the restaurant taking a shit onto their soup.

::plop plop::

It rained...hard today. I was watching Green Day's Behind the Music when I started to hear pitter patters outside the back door. I press the mute button and as soon as I heard the rain I headed for the door. It was amazing. I didn't even put on my shoes. I just went ahead and busted out the door with my t-shirt and sweats, no socks. I ran down the street as the clouds' tears ran through my hair and body. Inside I was laughing with delight, but then I saw someone staring at me and so I stopped and looked for a nearby tree to get shelter from. I stayed there for a minute and walked back home.

As I walked, I cherished every drop that fell upon me. As I was getting closer to home I looked up at the sky and whispered a "thank you." To who? Who knows. Maybe God or the clouds. I think it was for God.

I am probably going to get sick, but who cares. I was with my friends. Air and water. I love them both.

I went over to Jerry's house today. We did the same shit that we do everytime I come over.

We listen to music, draw on our arms or help each other out with our make-up. I like to draw on his wrist. One of my favourite past times. Sometimes, I draw open wounds. He seems to enjoy that and HEY, it's way safer than the real thing. I like it when we talk, though.

We both like to sneak out at night and meet each other at our old school. There are a lot of trees there; that's why we choose to go back to that hell hole. We lay on top of the grass and look at the celestial blanket that belongs to the universe.

This is what we do when we are together. I've never had someone like Jerry. One of the reasons I have grown to admire him. We can relate with our "family values." We both have divorced parents who seem to be very attached to their own past. We both have problems with our thinking abilities too.

We just think too damn much.

One cool thing about us is that he's a paradox and I am an oxymoron.

We like it that way.

Damn, I have gas. I don't like it when I burp a lot. But it's cool when I can burp for a long while. It feels like the bad in me is coming out (which is basically what it really is anyway).

There is this band called Speak No Evil. I haven't heard them on the radio yet, but they have radio play material. They are cool. I've only heard two of their songs because I just have a sample of their CD. My brother knows some dude at school who is always giving out CDs and stickers of unknown bands. If anyone cares, listen to Let Go by Speak No Evil. That song ROCKS.

I love all kinds of music, but more than anything I am a hard rocker at heart. I LOVE beautiful and mournful music combined. Good examples are Staind, Tool, A Perfect Circle, Puddle of Mudd and so on. Sure, sometimes depression gets on my last fuckin' nerve, but I listen to this kind of music in a different way now. Instead of slicing my flesh while listening to Alice in Chains, I sing along to their music. It's another experience I've never felt before. You don't have to be depressed to listen to depressing music. Period.

::buuuurp:: Heh heh, that was a good one.

Well, this is a better use. I hated making my own, so I asked and their reply got me here. It's midnight, though. I don't really have that much to say. Work is a little dull now. It's the same shit everyday. So, to fuck off time...I joke around a lot. This girl calls me "wiggie" or "wigger." I tell her,

"Um, I'm not white."

Then she says,

"You don't have to be white to be a 'wigger'"

Damn that girl confuses me sometimes. Then again, she is ignorant. Boy is she. I thought she was calling me "tweek" or "tweeker" at first. She says I am hyper and hey, I don't deny that. I am a crackhead to my co-workers. And that is alright. I enjoy talking to most people there. Me and this other chick, Viri, are the youngest there (I work at the Borders wherehouse) that I know of. I can relate to her. We are both careless and open-minded. I am learning a lot from Viri. She's the only anarchist I have met and talked to. We share ideas and what not. I like the fact that I eat meat and she doesn't hate me for it. It's hard to find understanding people these days.

You know what sux? Obligations, resposibilities and demands. Ahhh, the life of an adult in the "real world." Fuck it to hell.