A list of the dead.

The more I see of my mother in me, the more I want to kill myself.

I'm trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying, trying.

TRYING. I'm going to lose this one soon.

I can't handle this moment in my life. Allergies, pressure from school, heat... war. It all sucks. My "ups and downs" have been a bit more intense compared to last month. I've been arguing with myself, debating whether to feel or not. I choose not to. To feel will only leave you open to others. Being open makes me vulnerable and allow others take advantage of me. It happens all the time.

Of course, everyone is hoping this war ends soon. You know, I disagree with the war, but... we really should support the ones who are out there WHEN they come back. More than most chose to be out there. Seriously, we don't know what is going on out there... they do. I can't imagine the disgust.

Saddam is Bush, Americans are Iraqis, and visa versa. It's all a trap because in the end we all end up same. We're all going to die.

I also haven't showered since... Friday.

I am so booooored! Ahhhhh!

Hahaha. I am having a little fun, though. I love it when no one is home. I can blast my old Blink CD. Woooo! Oh! I know! I can remake my antennas! My original one broke last year and I've been lazy to make another. Woo, crafts!

Pictures are up. Out of 100+ pictures I only published 9 of them.

Toxic Pictures

(pictures are crap... be patient)

Mother and Sis just picked up pictures! Soo, Imma adjust them and post them later. God, I look gay.

This war is starting to piss me off.

I just made a Book 5 desktop using the OoTP book cover. You can see it at Potter Desktops. I suppose the more images surface.. the more desktops I will make.

I resized the cover since the one the Cauldron posted is a tad too big. Cool, huh?

The cover for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is up! You can check it out at the Cauldron.

Matthew 6:25-34:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you--you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. "So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today."

Finally! The list in complete! Ok, well, some of you know that there was an auction going on back in December in which I donated to. Leaky Cauldron readers were asked to help donate money for two reasons: to get a card which had 93 words from The Order of the Phoenix AND just in case we didn't win the card (which we didn't) all that money would be sent to a charity (which is awesome).

I am still don't think I should say how much I donated, though. That's for me to know. :)

(you can go here for more info on the auction

Rearranged my room. I'm thinking of doing another one of those... whatever it was that I made on the 17th.

I have been very absent minded and talking to myself again. Giving others advice when they are not there. Heh. I've been avoiding and others have been avoiding me. So, everything is falling into place. There are some things I don't understand. The stuff people see in me. They have no idea what I am, what I can be. Very awful.

I took down my blanket today. I had a blanket covering my small window so it would keep the sun away. I didn't realize it until I took it down, but it was a symbol of my depression. Sounds stupid, but... yeah. It doesn't mean I am off it, though. Just the first step. I have my high moments, but the shitty ones come and thrash them away. Everytime.

I start school again in six hours. Fun.

The idea of changing "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries" has been amusing me for a while. Remember when some Californians wanted to change the "Hollywood" sign? Paint it as some kind of US flag mural or some bullshit like that? Yeah, that never passed. Of course.

We close to WAR, you idiotic humans. WHO CARES. Hahahaha. I'm just glad SOME have brains in the world.

Busy weekend? Not really. Too lazy to post anything close to "decent."

Sin and I went to the mall this Saturday. I wanted pants and she wanted... a lot of stuff. We went to Hot Topic first just to get it over with. It was a little crowded so I was a bit edgy, but I delt with it (I always do). After a few minutes, Sin got herself some panties, pins, SpongeBob socks (jealous), a belt and *I* got myself three pins: Linus, "cheese is good" and a picture of cheese. Mmmhmm. Left there in a hurry and headed for JCPenney so that I could get myself some pants. I took a while (I'm picky), but I eventually found a good pair and then we left for Pacific Sunwear (Sin wanted to go). We saw Afterthoughts (girly store) and we gave it a glance to see if they had that glittery-eye make up that I've been wanting, but no luck. Off we went to Pacific Sunwear. All that girl cloathing... Jebus. I just sat there. The only thing that made me think in that store was the cashier's eyebrows (oh yeah, I have this obsession with eyebrows). They were... too close together or something, but they were drawn in. Sooo, why would one do that? I dunno. Interesting, though. It's her's. :)

Ok, now we wanted to check out CompUSA, but that would mean that we would have to get out of the mall and walk a few minutes over to the other side of the street (crossing a few other streets and whatnot). Did I mention that it rained Saturday? Well, it did. Hard. But we wanted to go badly, so... we got wet. Heh, very wet. The worst/best part was when we had to walk through 6 inches of water. Mmmhmm. That's half a foot. A few seconds later a big truck speeds right through the water giving us a delighful shower. Yeah, I screamed like a girl. Anyway, get finally get to our destination. We're very wet, but we get there. We apologize for our "wetness" and squeek into the store.

Cashier guy: "Hey, did you guys WALK over here?"
Me: "Sorta. Kinda. Not really. Just a little."

Whatever. I was too wet to give a correct answer, but we didn't WALK to CompUSA. We semi-ran.

We looked for the web cam section (which takes us a good while) and I get the cheapest piece of shit there. I call Mother and pay for the cam. Sin and I wait outside, in the cold, for Mother to come and pick us up. So, we get home and the first thing Sin and I do is strip out of our clothes. We HATE that sticky/wet dirty feeling. Dry our clothes and grub since we hadn't eaten anything yet. After all of that we head for my room to install the cam. Everything was good, until we saw the images. Oh God, I have never seen anything more... horrible in my life. The resolution was beyond shit and there was NO lighting. Of course, *I* felt like shit.

Sin left early today. I didn't even go out and give Steven (her guy) a hello like I always do. I looked like shit. I asked my stepfather if we would give me a ride to CompUSA so that I could return the "shitty-cam for losers" product because I wanted to get rid of that crud as quickly as possible. I quickly walk in, return the cam, sign a few things, get my money back (FULL refund!) and jet out of there. The cashier guy who asked if we had walked there yesterday was so in conversation that he forgot the phone wasn't cordless. The phone fell, I laughed (not so loud) and he turned red. So the 'rents and I went to the mall (again) and checked out a few items.

So, all in all... I'm not feeling as bad as I have been for the past two months. No school 'til Wednesday and I got some rubberbands so that I could get my trademark back! I missed braiding my hair and I need to grow this mass of hell back. Imma save up more money and get myself a BETTER cam, too. At Best Buy.

Well, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day! Everything in my home is green, so it's good. I might have my green beer... or two. Or maybe not. We'll see.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Lame.

Haha! This is about the rumor I posted.

Latest rumor:

My mother told us (Sin, aunt and I) that a co-worker of hers was at a Target waiting in line behind these two men and that they couldn't afford to pay for their Pepsi so she gave them the needed change. Those two men were so greatful that they decided to let her in on their secret.

They were planning on poisoning the Pepsi.

This kind of crap (stories) is what keeps me away from the outside world.

I am worked out. Mentally, really.

I did one of the craziest things today and it was a nightmare. I started to hate the fact that my computer really sucked, so I took out my Astro Recovery CD and restored this bitch. I thought it was going to be alright until I remembered, "Shit. I don't have the original keyboard and mouse anymore!" Which means that I wouldn't be able to start my computer or install my stuff. I looked everywhere in my room and garage, but I found nothing. I was very upset, but I couldn't let Sin or my sis see that. My last resort was calling my brother and asking him to come over and bring me my aunt's keyboard since we both have the same computer. It took him hours, but he finally came. It's ok now. Tristan is born once again.

That means that I deleted EVERYTHING I had done from April of 2000 until a few hours ago. All my songs, images, 500+ bookmarks, everything... gone. Soooo, now that it's back to new, I wonder if Tristan will except my printer and scanner. If so, maybe soon I can get a digi cam or a web cam. I've been wanting them for a good while. I dunno. I am off to reload everything. Sigh.

Boredom struck even harder:


Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.


What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sure.

Right now I'm watching "Trulife: I'm a Gamer" on MTV and I have noticed something...

A gamer who goes by the name of "Fatal1ty" (best one there, I guess) has the same keyboard as I do... aaand so does this challanger who goes by "Tex."

A Logitech Internet Navigator: Logi-ace, my friend. That's the one. I've had this baby for five months and it really IS a damn good keyboard.

Da da-da DAA! Sin might come over!

Spring is here. I don't care what the calendar says.

How do I know? My nose has been stuffed up for a few days and my skin has been itchy since... today. Ahhhhhrg! I dislike spring. So allergic. Sucks.

My stepdad's friends are here. I seriously want to beat the shit out of them. Loud, loud males who drink and... speak in a loud mode. There's something about a male being in the same place as me. My first reaction: kill. Seriously. I feel that way about any male who isn't supposed to be there.

Urge to kill males... rising... rising...

I... need... VACATION!

Right-the-fuck NOW!

I just found out that my birthday will fall on Easter.

Poop.

Heard of Group X? Anyone? Oh well. I was sent this song a few days ago and regardless of my hate for males (heh) this song is hilarious! If you know "Mario Twins" and actually like it, then you'll like "(I Just Want) Bang, Bang, Bang." (Thanks for this one, B)

"I don't want relationship. I just want bang, bang, bang!"

Now my brother is pissed at me. Woo nelly. Heh heh.

I felt like shit all day. ALL day. Crying most of the time. Yep. I'm a pussy. I tried not to cut myself. I REALLY tried. I looked at pictures and tried to make a collage of mutilated arms and whatnot. I never finished it. I ended up getting a hold of a red marker and marking over every scar I had on my left arm. Well, almost every scar. Some aren't visible anymore. I did a lot of talking. Crying and talking. Crying. I told myself too much. I'm already forming a bump in the back of my neck. Stress: It makes me nauseous. (My grandmother just came in to kiss me good-bye. Hmm.) Anyway, I just packed food in me like hell. I can't breathe well, my heart is racing, I feel sleepy, and I want to puke. Yep, that's eating. I didn't eat anything all day because there were people in the house. I just can't stand being around a lot of people. Being around people means that they can look at me. I hate that too.

Then, just a few minutes ago Mother told me to tell my father to "keep an eye" on my brother because my aunt (who can't keep her mouth shut) told my mother that my brother has been hanging around with his friends (which I dislike) and been coming home drunk. Every night. Fuckin' A. I AM telling my father. My brother is being an idiot.

It runs in the family, though.

...

My father just called me and I told him. My heart is pumping three times as fast, but I told him. I can't believe how pissed off I am about this situation. My father is gonna talk to him and it's not going to be pretty. I am mad at my aunt too for allowing this.

I was feeling narcissistic so... I made a buddy icon of myself.

Well, I thought about ways of telling my sister not to wear make up too soon.

Screaming and beating the shit out of her wouldn't help, so I came up with this:

I should show her a picture of Tammy Faye and say, "If you wear make up now, you could WILL look like THIS." That'll scare the shit out of her.



Or maybe I should "scare her straight" and show her a picture of Jan Crouch.



Phyllis Diller?



::shudder::

NOOOO!

Carlos Mencia is coming to the Improv of Ontario from the 6th until the 16th and *I* am going to miss it! Well... bah. This sucks.

BUT... Brian Regan is coming here in May from the 7th thru the 10th!

(3/7): Drat. I forgot to mention Pablo Francisco is coming this month too!

I got my schedule Tuesday for my March term classes. I am taking Digital Layout (Quark) and 3D Modeling/Animation (Cinema 4D). Imma get my books in a few hours, too.

I hear the classes aren't that easy. We'll see!

Uptdate (5:41 PM): I finally got my books. Five of them. FIVE. Dammit.

Oh GOD... I need to clean my room. It's... Jesus.

Oh yeah. For some reason... I have multiple bruises on my legs. Hmmmm. Can people beat the living shit out of themselves when they are asleep? Heh.

No more eyeliner for me. It makes me look like evil shit.

My sister's been putting on mascara. At 12... make up should not be an option. I didn't start wearing make up until I was 15 and even then... I didn't take it seriously. I wore my greens, blues and purples. Of course, as the years passed, I left the bright colors and transitioned into the dark ones. Black, dark red... mostly black. I looked like a fuckin' raccoon. I did everything I would dare with make up. Yes, even blue eyebrows (aside from other colors). My make up was so lost in confusion that people began to lable me. Raver, punk, goth, groover... whore. Hahaha. Goth was their favorite. I was none of those, though. I was nothing.

My sister's friend asked her to ask me if she could borrow my eyeliner a few weeks ago. Asked HER to ask ME... ok?

Sis: "Hey, Cris? Can... my friend borrow... your eyeliner?"
(I just stare at my sister while she is on the phone)
Sis: "She doesn't have any and she wants to know if she could borrow some."
(still staring; she talks with friend)
Sis: "Well?"
(staring)
Sis: "SAY something!"
(staring)
Sis: "Cristal?"

Me: "Wait... I'm thinking."
(continues to stare)
Sis: "Hurry up."
Me: "So... she wants to borrow MY eyeliner?"
Sis: "Yes."
(stares)
Me: "...why?"

Sis: "Because her mom won't let her use any."
Sis: "Ooooh, I see."
Me: "So... what makes you think I would lend her MY make up if her MOTHER won't let her use any?"
Sis: "Nevermind."
Me: "Never borrow make up from anyone. You'll get infections."

I saw her with mascara this morning and yeah, she takes my lip gloss ALL the damn time. My creams, purfume... jewlery. She has stolen my socks and shoes! For the love of Mike! She is only TWELVE. Damn friends. Peers suck.

Daily Prophet stuff:

I think the chances of Hagrid being "released" in Book 5 are starting to surface. You can read a piece of that in The Cauldron.

New set pictures! I am really digging The Knight Bus. So big and... purple. (bad me.) Anyway, it's awesome.

And Dark Horizons had this to say: "Despite her not being cast as yet, the character of Prof. Trelawney is indeed in [Prisoner of Azkaban] and should be filled soon."

This kid has "character" written ALL OVER HIM.
Michael Essany

(And he doesn't drive! Like me! Sad.)

I got the package. Finally. You were angry there for a second, eh, Erik?

I asked my mother if she had seen a package in the mail today and of course... no. A few minutes later, though, she comes in my room smilling and making "girl" noises.

"Hey! Here's your package! Oooh, it's from ERIK." Then she makes a stupid face.

Sigh. Shut up. SHUT UP. God, I always get that. I can't have ONE guy calling me without her making a big deal about.

Then later... "Sooo, what did he get you?" ::groan:: Get over it, mom.

Soo, yes. I got the CD. It took me a while to open the damn package (Xavier did a bad job) and I almost ripped the little note that was in there (thanks, by the way). I listened to Pablo Francisco's "A Kick to the Groin" and Brian Regan "Brian Regan: Live" a few times. Only because... they are in my list of favorite comedians. I still have yet to listen to the rest (a lot of songs). You were right, Erik. I dig The Jude.

Driving towards San Antonio, Becca (schoolmate) is stopped my some lady cop. I was too into conversation to notice the lights, but after she told me... sure enough... damn lights were there. I was a little jolted at first, but only because I haven't been in a car that has been stopped by a cop since I was... seven. It was alright, though. Just a missunderstanding. I then noticed all the people that were staring and to please them... I laughed and waved at them while Becca pretended to be nervous. Heh. Hey, they want to see something... I'll gave them something to see. We had a good laugh.

I should have flipped them off.

Grandma is here and she brought people with her.

I feel like opening a can of SUPER whoop-ass.

Human Beings are Devolving into Retards

Just what I wanted to say.

I am really losing faith in people. I don't mean just anyone. I mean the ones whom I used to admire. It's not their fault, though. I block you all away. It sucks being alone, but it also keeps me from hurting anyone. You don't know how awful I really am inside. All those thoughts of wishing you were all dead. I have to live with that. I think it's best that all of you who "know" me, shouldn't anymore. Not until I better myself. I am likely to lose it with one of you because I can't handle myself. Spare your sympathy. Please. Only one person should be worried: me. What you don't know won't hurt you. I don't want to know anymore. I'd rather be like the rest of the world. Ignorant and alone.

Jesus. LISTEN TO ME. I am actually whiling to kill myself so that everyone can live in peace. I am counting the moments; any day... it can happen. I don't have the brass, but when I am out of reality... I don't know what I am capable of doing. A lot emotion is boiling in me. A volcano full of bullshit.

Like mother, like daughter. And you know what? I'm gonna look back at this and laugh my ass off.

Hello children!

In the future time...
Children will work together...

To build a GIANT cyborg!

Robot parade! Robot parade!
Wave the flag that the robot made!

Robot parade! Robot parade!
Robots obey what the children say!

"Robot Parade (Adult Version)" by They Might Be Giants

I gave up. Man, I took some Motrin a few minutes ago and I'm already sleepy. Nice orange. Heh.

I give up.

I want to swim in a pool of Pond's cream. Seriously.