Missing school today.

I don't want to be that girl who bit an innocent's head off just because she was having a "bad day." I've come close to snapping on my instructors. I need the rest.

Woo! SIN GOT ME THAT SHIRT THAT I HAVE BEEN WANTING FOR... ever.

YES! She owed me money and so I asked her to get me this shirt and now.. we are even.

I can't WAIT.

New room at Habbo! Looks... interesting.

I just bought this book at the Virgin Megastore since... the Simpsons books were too damn expensive :(

Oh well, this book is VERY interesting! Worth buying.

Note to self: When I become rich, I will create my own Arcade room.

List of games:
Pacman
Ms. Pacman
Galaga
Tetris (is there one? *shrug*)
The Simpsons
Street Fighter II
X-Men
Mortal Kombat
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Uh...

Eh.. I still have to think about the list, Definitely an Arcade room, though. Definitely.

WHY am I just learning this just NOW?

Don't mess with The Net People.

I was just thinking about the time I was taken to the hospital when my second kidney stone came around and telling the nurses that I was taking Prozac at the time. Then, I noticed one of the nurses lookin at my arm and wrist and asking me what had happened and I was in so much pain I didn't hesitate to tell her at all.

"I am a self-injurer." (if that's an actual word)

Right after she left I overheard her telling the doctor and other nurses about me.

"Have you seen her arm?" Blah, blah, blah. I was very embarrassed.

I'm going backwards and if I don't do something soon, I will continue to go backwards until I am nothing.

I lost it last night over a keyboard. A fuckin' keyboard. It died on me and I assume it was the last straw because I started crying like a pussy. And I couldn't stop. All these thoughts of failure invaded my mind and stomped all over me. Everything I seem to touch and know... fucks up. The emotion was too overwhelming that I ended up butchering my wrist. I continued to do so after Eileen came over today. I'm a terrible and weak person.

And like always... my mother and stepfather weren't speaking to eachother for three weeks and it has been driving me insane. I heard them talking this morning and laughing after I came from school and that really pissed me off. How DARE they fuck me over this way? I am always careful around my mother. It's like walking on eggshells with my bare feet. I can't take it anymore. I'm on the verge on a stupid breakdown. I hate them.

I will proceed to damage myself and I have become desperate enough to want to call for help, but I won't do it. I'm already pathetic... I don't need others feeling sorry for me.

Eileen just came over surprised me with a present. It's a neat fiber optic lamp. She really got me good. I was more worried that she'd see my scars on my wrist (she has no idea what's going on with me), but it was nice of her to give me something. It kinda made me feel like shit, though. The fact that I am not a good "friend" thing.

There is no reason for her to know me. Anyway, butterfly lamp. Yay.

"Happy" Birthday to me.

My mother got my my presents early this year. She got me a desk lamp and a clock/radio. Of course, I got to pick them.

Hahahaha, the Cheese song by Ween is great.

This is BY FAR the funniest sign I have seen during this war.

The irony!

I have one more day before my teen days are over. :(

I'm probably heading for Bakersfield this weekend. My mother wanted to leave this morning (or yesterday evening), but I have a project due on Monday. I'm in class right now, actually... a fellow designer just came up and asked me if his PS creation looked close to "real." It was a picture of a buffman with a model on his side only the head of the man was replaced my his buddy's head. He asked for my opinion and I gave it to him. "It looks like his ribcage is sticking out." Heh.

Anyway, I should go and visit Grandpa and HELL he might even throw in a cake for me this Easter. Eh, I haven't had a birthday at Grandpa's since I was... I dunno, six. I still haven't made up my mind, but... there is a possibility that I might go. I need to get out of this hell hole and away from people.

God, I'm turning twenty. I hope no one remembers my birthday. I don't want to celebrate it or hear it. No fuckin' way.

I think my nightmares have transitioned from falling teeth to my mother committing suicide. Well, define "nightmare." I don't wake up screaming in the middle of the night, but they're too real to ignore. Even the sound of the gun going off in her room was real. I'm also hoping to be alone on my birthday. My mother wanted to pay my grandpa a visit, but she wanted to leave Friday and of course... I can't go. I have a project due Monday and I need the time to finish Friday. She wants me to skip it, but I can't afford to get behind. I hate it when she makes everything difficult.

"What are you going to do, Cristal?"
"When are you going to start going to school, Cristal?"
"Why haven't you started college, Cristal?"
"I have to pay 10,000 dollars."
"I have to pay 10,000 dollars."
"*I* have to pay 10,000 dollars."
"As soon as you get your job you are paying for the rest."

You fucking bitch. YOU were the one who wanted me to go to school and when I do, everything is too expensive. You claim that your job is hard and you believe that all I do is sit in front of a computer and do mindless work, but my work is just as stressful as yours... hell it's MORE fuckin' stressful than your shit. I know for a fact that if you EVER tried to do the crap I do, you are likely to kill yourself ten times faster than what you're whilling to. Everything has to be your shitty way. You don't get stared at everyday. You don't have assholes belittling and crushing your self-esteem everytime you go outside. YOU don't have to listen to yourself. But I do. I have to listen to you, to me, this family ... to this whole fucked up society.

Alright, I don't know when or what, but I am making a new layout. I got tired of the eggs. Anyway, my internet service is fucked up right now... so I can't upload pictures and such... thus, not being able to see the ones below. Sorry about that.

The net is still fucked, but you can see the pictures here. (maybe)

An update from school (11:37 AM): pictures are up.

I come home from school, thinking of hurting and I hear music coming from my room. I know it's my brother because Sinthya had told me yesterday that she was leaving early in the morning. So, instead of going in my room... I dropped my backpack, grabbed a snack and headed out the back door. I didn't walk far since I didn't know where I was going. After I got tired of being stared I turned back and went home. I walked for about thirty minutes. Anyway, I get back home and my brother's car is gone. I went in my room and saw a big purple bag. I thought, "this must be the present Sinthya was talking about." I take out the paper and... I SAW IT! It was that Homer doll I saw at the mall on Sunday! Jesus, man. I remember being in that store and seeing that doll. "OMG! Look!" I picked the big lug up and checked him out. I also noticed the look in Sin's face when I did. I got suspicious, but thought nothing of it. Now I know why she gave that funny look. She also gave me a Simpson's poster (the one I've been wanting). So... THANKS Sin!


This is my glow in the dark hair...


and again.


My Homie!


And my badass poster.


My big man once again.

Looks like Mr. Kurtz has changed Marcy's look... for the third time. I enjoyed her first look. She wasn't "girly," just confident. Her second look was... I dunno, a little dissapointing, but Kurtz turned it into a funny change, which is exactly how it is when it comes to womanhood. How about her new look? Honestly, I love it. Her hair isn't cheesy (I wonder what color it is) and she seems to be more agressive. Mr. K had this to say about the change:

Marcy is an important character to me. I really want to take the time to develop her, provide Francis with a proper rival and offer my tribute to every girl who grew tall faster than the boys at school (and paid the price for it).

Bless him!

Busy weekend, it was.

Friday: Sin came over early and since I had to finish a school project we headed for school. The net was down so I wasn't able to use Quark. No Quark, no project. Oh well. We were hungry and went to the nearest restaurant (we have no car, by the way). Coco's. I had only eaten there once, twice wouldn't be so bad. Sin and I ordered two cheeseburgers (BIG ones) and enjoyed those very much. While we were eating a man around the age of 60+ started to sing to the cashier. Very loud. I think he was singing some old Irish song. He had a long finish too, but as soon as he was done, My cousin and I (along with the rest of the people in the restaurant) started clapping for the man's efforts. I don't think the cashier/waitress was pleased with the man. She kept saying, "I can't believe you are doing this to me; Stop embarrassing me." Then, after the man left, she turned to Sin and I and said, "the things I have to deal with as a waitress." Ah, shut the fuck up. Appreciate the old man. After some good eatin', I made Sin walk all the way to Sally's Beauty salon to buy some bleach and hair dye. Yep. We walked pretty far, I guess. We stopped at the nearest Starbucks to relax for a second and made a quick trip to the KayBee outlet store. I got myself a Harry Potter action figure (five bucks, yo!). Sally's was next and I ended up buying a bright-red dye. We were thirsty so we went to Long's to buy some drinks. We also tried to take our blood pressure in there, but kept interrupting the machine. THEN, Sin saw a hair salon and decided to get a haircut. It's looks neat. We left the salon at 3 PM and got home 40 minutes later. We were VERY tired, but had a good day. I asked Sin to bleach my hair and I looked like Shakira for the remainder of the day.

Saturday: We didn't do much Saturday. We were still a little achy from yesterday. I just dyed my hair. I made Sin put the red dye on me. Heh, while she was applying the dye, I started to read the dye's container and saw the word "GLOW" jump at me. I quickly grabbed it and read, "GLOWS in the dark!"

"Holy shit, dude!"
"What!?"
"This shit glows in the dark!'
"WHAT?"

So, I after leaving it on there for almost an hour, I washed my hair and... my hair was neon red. It looked like sprayed-on red. Hahaha. Almost pink. It looks rad, though. Later that night we craved something sweet so I went over to buy some ice cream. Mother says: "Now you look like Bozo the Clown." Yeah, thanks.

Sunday: Sin and I were more-so busy today than Friday. We got up early to go to mass (I haven't been there in a LONG time). It was alright. Even though the mass was in English, I enjoyed it somewhat. Then, Mother, Sis, Sin and I went over to grub on some Mariscos (sea food). I got myself a Mojara (fish). Now off to the mall! Why? Because there is nothing else to do. I ended up buying a Dots candy bracelet (non-edible) and two new pin buttons (both Nintendo related since I lost my Mario pin). Sin got herself a shit load of stuff. We quickly went over Circuit City to check out the computers and cams. I tried out the latest, GBA SP, though. Man, I want one. Anyway, I saw a good cam, but I hesitated. We decided to go to CompUSA, but on the way Best Buy caught our eye, so we headed towards there. On the way, a male thought he'd give me his opinion. He passed by with his car and called a:

"Crackhead."

I swear to God. Sin is a witness, too, but shit like this is REALLY starting to piss me off. I felt bad the whole time I was in the store. I couldn't get that remark out of my mind. I saw nothing good there, so we left and went in Cicuit City once again and bought the cam I saw earlier. We went back to the mall, called my mom and went home. We tried out the new cam and had lots of fun with it. We can do stop motion (among other things)! I just need some lighting in my room and the cam should be good, but I didn't get it to show anyone. I just wanted it for the animation.

So, overall... it was a good weekend. I still need to get that CoS DVD. Gah.

Alright kiddies. TLC has posted a summary from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Warning: Spoilers... blah, blah, blah. Don't blame me... blah, blah, blah.

Sounds like good stuff! (except for that upcoming death).

Coming home from school, I was feeling a bit tired (as usual), but someone though it would be nice to scream at me from a car.

"BITCH!"

Pussies, too. It was a "drive by. " They probably thought it would be funny and hell... and I should be used to that shit, but I'm not. My insides turned into mush and thoughts of suicide came rushing through my mind. I was quickly thinking of ways to add scars to my wrist. I was lost in pictures of me cutting deep enough to see the white layer of my skin ripping and watching the blood gush out. I only thought about it, though. I didn't allow myself to cry because of those fuckers either.

But I am getting so close to doing more damage to myself. More so than what I have been doing all my life.

I have found... another "Cristal Bernal."

Fear Me.

talkativekat: hi sexy
I am Oxie Moron: Die! No, first rot and THEN... DIE!
talkativekat: tjos is her brothe\\
I am Oxie Moron: Come again? I was in my "comic" mood.

I haven't been posting any referrals because they got boring, but... this one is... Jesus.

emma watson sits on the toilet pushing poo

From the UK, by the way.

My broken tooth is sooo sharp right now that I have given myself two (yes 2) paper cut-like cuts on my finger. You know how annoying those are. Ugh.

I can't stop eating. I am eating as I type. I thought watching a show about eating disorders would be something good for me, but the people in there only made me want to eat... a lot. And I am. I just ate a bowl of cereal while eating cookies (Chips Ahoy and Oreos) AND TWO slices of cinnamon cake. I'm going to puke.

Strange how everyone in that show is 20.

I've also been cutting. Not a lot, but I did for two days straight. My wrist, my shoulder... my chest. Not a lot, though. Just cat scratches. I haven't done it since Tuesday or Wednesday (I don't rememeber), but that doesn't mean that I am stopping. I need to puke.

Anyway... I really didn't want to write about this since people are free to read it, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. I am likely to explode.

Huzzah! I just got my state and federal checks! I have a little over two-hundred bucks with me, which means... CLOTHES! Wee.

I also got this envelope from Westwood (my school) with a piece of paper in it wishing me a "happy birthday." My day isn't until the 20th, but I guess 4/02/03 is similar to 4/20/03. Anyway...

I got some money!

I feel like checking out some comic shops... but... bah!

I am one of the following statements:

1. I am extremely bored.

2. I am extremely BORING.

First of April. Idiot, fools.