I am so angry that I won't dare show it.

This morning my aunt called me to get me to call my father for her.

"What's wrong?"
"I just want you to ask your dad to call me because I don't know his phone number."
"Tia, what's wrong with Julian?"

That's when she started telling me what's been going on with my brother. I tried to remain calm, but when she started crying I knew it was bad. So, it goes like this; it's just another drama story.

My mother kicked my brother out of our home back in December. Over the most ridiculous reason, but it was much more than that. Years of my mother’s hate and my brother’s bullshit exploded in one night. I really don’t want to say much because I already wrote about it and it’s something I hate to reminisce about. You can check it out here.

Anyway, my brother has been living with my aunt for about six months and it all went well in the beginning. He had his own car to go to school in and a place to stay at. My aunt was more the generous to let my brother stay with her. But it started to fall apart after a while. He started drinking and drifting away further than he already was. I did understand a little bit why he was acting the way he did, but after a while… it got out of hand. He stopped going to school and stopped asking for permission to leave the house. He would leave whenever he wanted and came back home whenever he felt like it. Motherfucker. He would spend most of his time with his friend, Victor. They’ve been friends since they were in 5th grade and it’s been fucked since then. He stopped talking to anyone and spent his time with his “friend.” My father would call ME for advice. He just didn’t know what to do. I was getting sick of it. In fact, I am getting sick of people only talking to me when THEY feel like shit. I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING PUNCHING BAG! Talk to someone who GIVES A FUCK! WHY ME? Sorry.

So now my aunt tells me that his mother banned him from Victor’s home because he was caught doing drugs. I’ve known of my brother doing drugs, but this is the last fuckin’ straw. So, after a long talk with my aunt she finally let me go and I tried to call Dad. I called his home, but he was at work, so I called his cell, but he wouldn’t answer. I tried.

A few minutes later, my father called me and I told him everything. He knew from the short responses that I gave how pissed off I was. We talked very short and left it at that. So now… who knows. My aunt doesn’t want my brother living there anymore. She already has children of her to worry about. And she is right. I reassured her it wasn’t her fault, she tried, and now it’s up to my dad.

But now I am worried my brother is gonna throw shit about me to defend himself. My father doesn’t know I am a cutter or a pill abuser. I don’t know. All the rage I am feeling now is gonna blow up sooner or later. I just hope I don’t do anything insane.

We got home at 9 PM. -_-

We head out of the house around 2:30 PM and wait for the bus to take us like 9 blocks down the road. We waited until we decided on buying a day pass since it would cost us eight dollars to get to and from the mall. So, we went to the nearest store (which was two blocks away) only to be turned down. They didn't sell any there because you could buy them in the bus. Yeah, yeah. We know nothing. So, we waited for about thirty minutes in the heat (I was wearing all black and had a sweater on) and we were about to give up and go home when the bus came. We quickly got in and sat there for a few minutes until we had to get off and go on another one. We talked for a second trying to figure out where we were headed when Sin pointed at a bus and said it was ours. We get on and after two minutes in there she tells me it's the wrong one. We sat there trying to figure out where we were headed to. We wanted to go to the Montclaire mall, but we were heading for Ontario Mills. A little further than the other one. We looked at each other and said we might as well go to Ontario Mills since we were already on the bus. It was a good thing I had my book and Sin had her Gameboy, but after reading a few pages I started to get dizzy. I stopped and tried to play some Tetris, but the bus ride was awful. I sat in the bus with a blank stare and tried not to puke all over myself. We get to the mall and we only had two hours to "enjoy" ourselves. The mall sucks anyway. We go into Sam Ash first. I've never been there and Sin asked me if I wanted to (for some reason), so since I wasn't alone... we went in. One of the reasons I don't like going into a music store is because I usually tend to melt when I hear someone playing. Especially bass. But as soon as we step in and got near the guitars... there it was. Bass. God, I got a bit weak. I knew better, so I left. I couldn't stop smiling and I felt this awesome high only Vicodin and Love can give me. Anyway, I quickly walk into a bookstore hoping to see some Harry Potter books for my cousin, but they all ran out. Bastard kids AND adults. Oh well, we just walked around the damn mall to see if there was anything good. We went all the way around not going in a single store, except for Virgin Records. We did find some HP books, but Sin wanted the pack and it cost around $30. Fuck it. We left went to get some Starbucks and headed looked for some food. Everything was too expensive so we went outside. Nothing. We came back in and I lead Sin into Claire's. I got myself a star-spiked choker (like my heart-spiked one) and some black-hooped earings. There was nothing in the mall anymore so we left. Horrible day.

We were hungry and hot. The sweat that was trickling on my legs started to sting. So, we head for a bus stop and debate on which bus to take. We got on the first one that got there. Sitting there, relaxed... we started to look at our stuff. I took out my earrings only to find they were CLIP ONs. Meh. I am an idiot. I was in a rush to get what I needed that I didn't bother to see what kind they were. I can still put them on, though. We sat in the bus for a long while before we had to get off. The bus left us off a little further than what we had wanted. We had to walk black a little to get to the right street. While Sin was explaining something to me I noticed from the corner of my eye some guy looking at us. We ignored it until he threw us a kiss. We are not fuckinh dogs, asshole. We walk down two blocks before we get close to a market and decided then and there to go in and buy some groceries. WE NEEDED FOOD. We went in, took what we needed and left. This is where the shit hits the fan.

We crossed the street to rest in a nearby bus stop to take us home. It was about 6+ blocks away from home. So, we waited. We talked about stuff, kept ourselves entertained by making fun of cars and such. Bitched at guys who gave us bad attention. We waited, waited, waited. We waited for an hour and the fuckin' bus never came. We grabbed our shit and decided to walk. We walked fast so that we could get near a bus stop just in case the bastard was delayed. Fuck, we were TIRED as. We were carrying two 12-pack cases of soda and two gallons of milk and punch, PLUS I had a lot of shit in my backpack and Sin carried the bread. We made so many stops because of the wait. "We're gonna feel this tomorrow." That's all we kept saying... aside from the cursing. We didn't get home until 9 PM and I am STILL achy. We ordered some pizza and relaxed after. I dyed my hair and took a shower. I felt disgusting.

I'm pretty sure some other shit happened, but my brain is too fried to even care. Fun day.

Sin and I never went to the movies with my aunt after all. We waited for her call all day, but nothing came up. She was supposed to call again today and tell us what time she was going to pick us up for the trip to Tijuana. She never called.

So, fuck it. Sin and I are taking the bus and going to Barnes & Nobles. I got her into the Harry Potter books. ;) I rule.

Note: She has always been interested, but I think she got tired of asking me questions and decided to read them herself. Smart cookie.

This is what girl's do when it's around 3AM and bored out of their asses. Thanks Sin. o_O

(Yes, that is what you think it is on my cheek :X)

I'm not sure if I have mentioned the fact that I only have one class this term, but here I go anyway...

So yeah. One class. FinalCut Pro. Meh. It's fun, but also stressing. Especially when you have an instructor who changes his mind every thirty minutes. So, today we had a project due on the first hour of class. Of course... I dreded about not finishing it all day yesterday. I get to class and do my own business first (emails and such) and then I started to get to work when Mr. Dees interrupts the class for another one of his lectures. He went on longer than he intended (like always) and made me very anxious. So, finally when he finished he told the whole class to stop working on their Transitions projects and start a new project about the Timeline. Damn him. I was pissed, but... whatever. I started to work when I realized NO ONE was doing it. They were still doing their Transitions... so fuck it, I worked on mine too. I needed to. He then asked who was finished with their Transitions and only a few people raised their hand. So, lucky me... he gave the class the rest of the class time to finish the transitions. Now, I have been very stressed out about this particular project, but only because I kept fucking up a lot and Mr. Dees kept changing his mind about what he wanted. Time was closing in when I said, "FUCK it." and called him over to my work area.

I was so nervous. I could already hear him trashing my work. But he didn't. He REALLY liked my work.

"Wow. Damn, you REALLY put in a lot of work!" And I did. I beat my brain out because I thought I was doing it wrong, but in reality... I give myself too much of a hard time. I got lucky and nervous. Damn, I was shaking a bit. No one noticed, though. Heh. I hide it well sometimes.

"You had a few mistakes, but I am still giving you a 100." Holy shit. I was surprised, but glad. I think I did deserve it because of time I put into it. *deep sigh* Kill my brain! KILL IT! Please?

I got an email about a Book 5 desktop that I had made when I realized, "HOLY MOTHER!" And so I quickly searched for my site and sure enough people (mostly kids) were posting like crazy. So, I posted a lot of little notes in my tagboard thanking them and assuring them that I would create more desktops as soon as new images from PoA came around.

Here is my desktop site if you wish to go and check it out.

Had a good time at my aunt's today. I had called her yesterday to inform her that my mother and her mother were safe in Mexico and we talked for a little while when she invited me over her home. So, after I got home from school, Sin and I quickly ate and cleaned the house before we got ready. We waited for a short while before my aunt called telling me that she wasn't going to ba able to pick us up and that my uncle was coming instead. We waited for another short while before he came. We talked for a while since we haven't seen him in over a year. My uncle couldn't believe how much we have "grown."

We get to my aunt's home and I can already hear her screaming about something.

"You are CRAZY. YOU ARE CRAZY." Meaning... my hair.

We caught up with news and so on. I checked up on my bro but he was asleep in his shack. I did wake him up, spoke with him for a few seconds and left him alone. I used to be like him. Anyway, Sin and I sat down and ate dinner while speaking about beer with my aunt and uncle. Of course, I didn't say much. After that we sat down in the living room and watched some TV before my aunt asked Sin and I if we wanted some Starbucks. *DING!* Oh yes. Magic word. We get there. Order. Wait. They laugh. I distract. Yeah.

We went back home and sat there and watched more TV. Talked more, laughed more. Mmmhmm. Mostly about my brother's missfortune with "ugly girls" and piercing. My aunt has many of them. Labret, tongue, ears (a lot). Eh. I've been wanting to get my lip pierced again for a long while myself. It hasn't even been a year since I took it off. Then it was time to go. I had school work to finish. We say our goodbyes and I take my aunt's cat, Neo with me. He's cool. In the car ride home my aunt asked Sin and I if we wanted to go to the movies this Friday. I am not too into the movie industry, but hell... beats being at home. I have nothing to do here during the day. It's the night that I wait for *cough*KOLIN*cough* Then she invited us for some fun at TJ this Saturday. She had to visit a dentist there and after we get to have some "fun." Not sure what she meant by that, but Sin and I can legally drink there.. so why not? My aunt is also eager to take me and Sin to a comedy show. It's been over a year since I last went to one. I miss the atmosphere.

Also, I haven't been reading much of "Order of the Phoenix" either. Sin looked through The Cauldron and read who died. Damn HER! So, now she knows and I feel like she is teasing me with her eyes. Especially when I mentioned a name. I saw her and went, "NOOOOOOO!" But she said nothing. GOD, I hope it's not him. He is starting to grow on me, dammit! :( I have too much in mind and as much sleep as I get... it still isn't enough. What sucks is that I don't know what it could be this time. Might be school. *shrug* Regardless, I am what you people call "happy." Whatever that could be. :P

We just got back! My stepfather came in right when we were about to leave so he took us to Savon-drugs instead of taking the bus. So, we get there and I got a little worried if the book was actually gonna be there since it was VERY small. So, we get there and I ask for the book. While I am waiting Sin turns to me and asks if I wanted something and she pointed to the product, but I was too excited to care what it was and told her no. I got my book and then asked my stepfather if he could take us to K-Mart. This time he left us there. We told him we would take the bus back.

We get there and start looking for crap. We went everywhere in that store. There were many things that I wanted, but I only had a few bucks left (the book cost me 25). I got myself two DVDs and Sin got herself one and a few other products. What DVDs do I own now? A Bronx Tale and... Porky's. That's right! I've been wanting to see it for a while now and it was only nine bucks. Yeeeah. Porky's. Sin got Edward Scissorhands. These movies ROCK.

We were tired and decided to leave and wait for the bus. While we were waiting Sin says, "Ooh, I can't wait to go home and eat my Munchies!" I looked at her and went, "WHAT!!!!" See, THAT was the snack Sin would have gotten me. But noooooooooo, I was too fuckin' busy drooling over a BOOK. But since she is cool, she gave me some. *crunch* It took us an hour to get home.

So, now here we are... eating KFC while watching Porky's. :P

Looks like I AM getting the book after all. Sin saw an add in the paper stating that there were some Harry Potter books (No. 5) being sold at a near-by Savon-drugs for $20. So, we cleaned the house and then she called to check if there were any left. There was only ONE left. So right now, I am waiting for Sin to finish getting ready so we can take the bus and rush out there before someone takes it.

And YES, we did ask them to hold it for us. For the love of MIKE... we are not dumb. Thanks Sin!

In four hours "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" will be in the hands of millions of children and adults.

I won't be one of them.

While I was away at school...



Sin was bored.

So far...



Sin and I dyed our hair today! I decided to stay with the yellow while she dyed her's green. The dye was actually blue, but yellow and blue make...? Mmmhmm.



Picture1: THIS is "Jay-R" Or Jr. as Sin and I call him (he doesn't seem to like that.)
Picture2: And that is Jr. recieving painful static. You should try it! It actually works.

We've been having fun since my mother left. So much fun I was convinced it was Tuesday today. Seriously, I felt like I had lost a day when Sin told me it was Wednesday. Let's see. Mother left Monday morning and my stepfather was off on his vacation so it was just Sin and I. Tuesday Sin and I went riding on my stepfather's car since he wasn't there and the keys were free. Two young women + free keys - NO parents = FUN. Sorta.

Our first trip was to the post office. While there, a young lady held the door for us, but for some reason didn't let go of the door quick enough and I took her finger with me. I apologized profusely, but it didn't help. I still felt like shit. Even more so because she was not saying anything but made sure everyone saw how painful it was. It pissed me off. After that, Sin and I went home and rested for a while. We then decided to buy stuff from the market so we made a list.

Cheese!
Pickles
Bun-buns
Chips

We couldn't think of anything else so we left and thought we'd improvise at the store. We got our stuff, I bought some doughnuts and headed home. We made some big juicy burgers for dinner. We didn't finish them, though. Too much. So, we lounged around until Sin asked me if there was anything open at night in Ontario. That gave me a craving for some Starbucks. That's when we decided to look up some arcades and bowling alleys. Heh. It was around 10:30 PM. We quickly got ready and hoped something was open. The first Starbucks was closed, so we headed for the another one in another town near by. Closed. Fuck. So, we decided to look for that bowling alley. Nothing. And screw the arcades. It was already 11:00 PM. We also went to a Stater Bros. to find some "Munchies." If you don't know what they are, you are MISSING OUT. To our dismay... the damn store was closed, so we left. Everything was closed anyway. The car was starting to smell smokey and the breaks sounded funny, too. That's when we agreed to go back home. A little dissapointed. We got home, got back in our PJs and watched Amelie. I must say, that movie ROCKS. All that greeeeen. I've decided to paint my room lime green now. We went to sleep at 3:00 AM.

Because I was tired and didn't feel like going... I skipped school today. My stepfather came home this morning too, but he quickly went to work. As soon as I was about to go back to sleep (stepdad woke me up) I remembered I had to send my teacher an email. So I boot up my computer and as soon as I was about to dial up, the phone rings. I was like, "FUCK!" I stormed to the living room to get the phone and nicely asked, "hello?"

It was Jr. For those of you who don't know him... He's a fellow buddy Sin met on Habbo a year ago and I ended up talking to him too. So, I had forgotten he had my number and was a little (just a little) surprised that he called. Well, I shouldn't say that I was... it's not that big of a deal anymore. So, Jr., Sin and I spoke (speaker) for a good while about almost nothing. It was fun. After he hung up my stepfather came and I asked him to take us to the beauty salon to buy some hair supplies. We bought some bleach and dye. Glee! As you can see up there... I now have yellow, orange, red hair. Sin... she had green (like my room) hair, but quickly changed it to red. I will post the pictures of her new color tomorrow. Then, in between that time "Jay-R" called again and all three of us talked a while longer before he had to go.

And just a while ago, I asked Sin to come outside with me and I put a blanket out on our backyard grass and layed there with the lights out. I put on some A Perfect Circle as well. It was very relaxing. We ranted about stuff (she did most of the ranting). It was hilarious.

So, it's been good so far, but no... NO party here. NO fuckin' way.

Most of all, I miss Kolin. I try to talk to him everyday, but it's not enough. Heh heh. Oh yes. Mushiness. :P

They are GONE! Woo. Finally.

Woo. They might go tomorrow morning.

My stepfather is on his "vacation" too. Soooo... YEEEES. Fun times.

So, I thought that by today I would be Mother free and getting some rest, but It hasn't happened yet.

Mother had planned to leave Friday evening, but around that time my mother didn't get permission and she was being the dramatic woman that she is. My father called that night and tole me that my mother had decided to not go to Mexico after all. I was confused, but very angry at the fact that she wasn't going to leave. I had a long talk with Father (always the same damn conversation). Then my mother asked me to phone Grandma and I took a peek at her eyes. She looked terrible. I only heard a few words coming from her and she sounded urgent. So, when my grandmother got home and my sister came in my room I asked her what was going on.

"We are leaving."
"What??"
"I dunno. My mom said to pack everything."

Then I heard my mother talking to my grandma.

"HE said that he was going to get some cigarettes! Fuckin' Liar!"

Yep. Another Bitch and Asshole fight. By midnight, they were gone. This was Thursday.

I called my father the next morning telling him what had happened and then shortly after Sin came over. We talked and watched some Beavis and Butt-Head (HILARIOUS). That evening we got ready and headed for a 99 cent store and Rite-Aid. We bought a lot of junk food. :D The cashier. ALWAYS something up with those people. We were hit on by one (female) once. This time, since we had a lot of junk, she assumed we were having a party.

"You guys having a party, huh?"
"Um, noo. We are just having a pig-out."
"Oh, so no party?"
"Nope."
"Well, you should! You can invite people and have some beer."
"Nah. I am not old enough to buy some yet."
"Well, you can get someone to get some for you!"
"Yeah, but this is just our little party. No one else is invited."
"Oh."
"Yeah."

Okay, so it didn't go exactly like that, but it was obvious that she wanted to join us. Seriously.. no party in our home. I guess you can't blame them for butting into other people's business. Working in retail sucks.

So, now my mother has to wait until tomorrow to get permission, even though she has been working on it all weekend. And yes, The Bitch and Asshole are back as Mother and Stepfather. *rolls eyes* If the gods are content with me... my mother will leave tomorrow. *hopes*

It's official.

Cristal loves Kolin.

Even more than she loves The Simpsons.

They all left tonight. *shakes head*

This is ridiculous, but I hope they are well.

This is my alternative.

THIS is just an example on how stupid some men can be.

Or lonely... take your pick.

I was messing with my cam planning to post pictures of my new haircut (yeah, it's an obsession), but the more I saw myself in the camera the more I wanted to kill myself. I can't believe I look the way I do. I'm sick of being this way. It's disgusting. I might have thoughts of suicide now and then, but I know better than to carry on with it.

I have an alternative, but I took pills instead.
This is how much I hate myself.

I just noticed that in three weeks I have consumed 40 45 out of the 50 caplets (pills) I have. Time to buy some more! I remember taking seven this past Saturday (I took that amount just to even out what was left... I think). I am also almost out of Benadryl.

I cut my hair once again, too. I can't stand this mop. It pisses me off.

Like many others... I took that I.Q. test on Fox tonight and I was hoping to get at least over 100.

I got a ninety-nine. This is NOT acceptable!

I couldn't fuckin' sleep, so I made a few new right-side stripes... thingy. You know what I mean. I made four in differen't shades of red.

SLEEEEEEEEEEP! *smacks head on keyboard*

Oh yeah, I should mention that I started sleeping in my closet yesterday, but I doubt I will do that weekly. My back is fucked. Heh. So, I shall sleep in my bed and keep the bed I made in my closet. Just in case.

Whoa. There is a new Blogger Edit set up. It totally screwed up my vision.

Anyway... I didn't come here for that. He said it! K said that "L" word that I have been avoiding for a long time. I mean, he's been trying to for a while, but he said it last night and I've been a little lightheaded for the past... I dunno. I know he wants me to say it back, but I am not ready. I assured him I would, though! I am wanting to, but I need to be sure. I've been afraid this was just infatuation, but I don't think it is and never was in the first place.

I've had little heart bubbles coming out of my head all day. Heh.

Happy Birthday, Baby Sis.

Meh.

I tried and I tried and I tried, but I failed. After a year of avoiding humiliation... I did it.

I snorted in class. And EVERYONE heard. XD

Right now. I am showing Ieisha my blogger template because she is taking Dreamweaver right now.

2:24PM: Yeeeeah. o_O I was showing my best mate how to use Blogger and how much coding I had in my template when I wrote that. I just got back home and read that sentence above. My God, that didn't make any sense. I was writing it pretty fast since our intructor had gone out to make copies for the class and I didn't want to interrupt our lesson.

Anyway, since I am here... I am having a BLAST in video editing so far. Mr. Dees gave us some of his clips from this movie he directed back on 2001 and we get to put them together. We're pretty good, too!

K: Tomorrow I'm gonna pick one of your pictures to print out on sticker paper.. and I'm gonna put it on my guitar.
K: So I can drool while I play.

Sorry Kolin. I HAD to put that in there. That made me feel good. *blushes*

My Instructor has been picking on me since we started this term. In a good way, though. I had him for Quark last term and he seemed to leave me alone (most of the time).

He sent me out of class on Monday. Heh. See, our school has this AC problem. The heat in there gets out of control and we end up cooking in a class full of computers. It's hard for me to concentrate and I usually get a little anxiety when I can't control the temperature around me. Mr. Dees got a glimpse of my anxiety last term and when he saw me moving restlessly in my chair... he told me to get out. He called me up to have a chat outside of this classroom and told me to go in the far corner of the student lounge room and cool off. I didn't really want to go because I knew I would miss out on important information, but he insited... er, pretty much MADE me go. I should have been pissed off, but I found it hilarious. I laughed all the way to the lounge room. He's more playful this year.

"Are you laughing at me, Cristal?"
"Noo. If I were to be laughing at you... I'd be pointing too."

Oh yes. If he wants to battle with me once in a while... a battle he shall get. Regardless of us going back and forth... I seem to be doing well in his class. It gets frustrating, but I enjoy the stress he gives us. It's getting me ready for the real bitches out there.

I told myself I wouldn't do this again. I reminded myself countless times how much it hurt the first time. "Stay away from emotions, Cristal. They will only fuck you up." And they did.

I was fooled into loving once. I gave everything I valued and hoped to get anything in return, but in the end... I was cheated. My heart was ridiculed and destroyed with one sentence. It took me a long time to get over the fact that I wasn't wanted anymore. I was set aside for something better. These things can't work. I can't see how it could. I have kept away from the L word for almost three years and I kept my distance away from those who have showed interest in me. I was afraid and for a good while I thought I had everything under control. But then you came along.

I thought nothing of it at first. You were there to keep me company and I enjoyed your attention. I didn't know it at the time, but I would miss you when you weren't around. I thought it was boredom or depression, but I was lacking your presence and your absence had me down until I spoke to you again. My heart melted whenever you were close. The more we talked the more I wanted to know you. I realized how much I cared about you when I remembered that day I hurt you. If you were somebody else I would have dismissed you as being weak. I didn't, though. I tried to assure you that I would never do it again (or at least try). You had confessed how you felt about me even though you've been passing hints at me from almost the beginning. It was hard, but I as well confessed how I felt about you. And it felt wonderful.

Now, I am having doubts. As soon as I started to feel good about you, my feelings were altered by fear. I have the need to stop you from loving me before it's too late. I cannot bare to hurt you. And I know I will. The only thing I am proud of is the ability to make you feel the way you do. I love the way you sing to me and how you express your thoughts of me. I want to tell you so much. I don't think you know how much I do think about you or how much I've been smiling since I met you. Even though I do seem open... in reality, I am holding back. I believe if we take it one step at a time and don't rush what we might have... we might be able to hold on to each other longer than what we can imagine.

But I'm still unsure.

Ack. I can't sleep.

Damn you, Kolin. :P

The business with Mother and Mexico. Right.

Mother and Sister had planned to go to Mexico with my grandmother and her new hubby. That means THREE WEEKS (I think) of JUST ME. Oh yeah, my stepfather too, but he doesn't count. Now, it would be extra exciting if I had an actual life. Regardless... I am alone for a great while. I will be able to go online and sleep earlier than usual. Damn Mom. Sin might be coming over too. We'll take the bus anywhere.

More on this later.

Happy Birthday, Sin!