A buddy of mine sent me a link his chick sent him. I won't hide it, but be blunt about what it is. I'll just say that it's mostly for the ladies. Males are welcome, though. ;)

The Clitoris.

Little Jen called me this evening. We were on the phone for an hour but talked maybe 10 minutes worth of the time. She sure giggled a lot at first. Never spoken to anyone who giggled as much as she did, but she stopped after she got comfortable talking to me. It was fun, though. ;)

So, Jen... this makes you Online Person # 5 to call me at home. Woo.

I read every email he sent me since he left and I cried through all of them. It still burns.

I miss him.

In the past one of my aunts has always given me jewelry cases or make up for Christmas. This year, she threw me off.


I couldn't believe it when I opened it, but I haven't smiled this much in a long while. It's a "Harry Potter Levitating Challenge" game. I'm betting it was one of my cousins that told her that I was into Harry Potter. It's pretty hard to play since I don't do well with time. It looks rockin', though. A new addition to my Harry Potter crap. :D

Buckbeak? Looks like it.

Then again... it's the freaking Sun.

Yesterday was four months since Kolin's been gone.

It still hurts, but he's dead to me. I don't feel much these days, either. I spend them sleeping, watching TV, or thinking about what I should be doing. Nothing comes to mind. But then, everything that I do think about will not leave my mind. My will to express myself has expired and it couldn't suck more. Even my brother, who was a pot smoker and more hopeless than I am, is worried that I will become some alcoholic. I love to keep him on his feet, though.

Me: Yeah, when I turn 21 I am going to get drunk as hell and buy beer everyday.
Him: Wha- Whyyy? Shut the fuck up.
Me: Whaat? It's true! Heh.

In other news: Xavier and his friends haven't touched me in four months and I don't abuse pills anymore.

No snow this time. It rained all day so I SLEPT all day. It was good. Mostly watched SNL. I'm bored.


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

The quiz sucks, but I love the graphic.


You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person,
but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big
on dishing out forgiveness.


Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Damn right.


A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.



Ever wanted your picture taken with your favourite
celebrity? Well why not fake it and fool all
your friends for fun! Click
HERE


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Have I taken this before?? *shrugs*


The delete key! You are so depressed, you want to
delete from existence
Thank's for taking my quiz!


Which key on the keyboard are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

s23i4j2309kwelk Losah!


So, the final result has come, and it's time to see
what your purpose is in life. Honestly no
matter what you think it is, it all comes down
to one, straight forward answer. You may not
think you are a religous person, but deep down,
we all are. Your purpose, truthfully and
honestly, is to serve Jesus Christ forever
more. He died for you, all that long ago, just
so you can live, live a life, with him forever.


What's your purpose?
brought to you by Quizilla

Noo. Why Hey-sus? Jebus.

Why do I do this to myself?

So, this year's theme for Christmas? No one gave a fuck. Seriously. No one.

It was so dull this year. I stopped caring about Christmas back when I was 14, but even then I still enjoyed 1/3 of it. I love twinkling lights (I added christmas lights in my room). No matter what season, twinkling lights can warm anyone up. Right next to wind chimes. :D

Yeah. No one gave a fuck this year and I couldn't be more pleased. It's just horrible how not everyone can feel good around Christmas. I had my father calling me today apologizing for not getting me anything this year. APOLOGIZING. WTF IS THAT? He already got me this computer. I don't need anything. My mother gave me $50. Glee. :) Now I can hunt for my orange hoody. I wish there were two-toned hoodies, though. I spent it alone last year and I was hoping to do the same this year, but I lucked out. Maybe next year. Heh. I had some funky Mexican drink and tamales. Woo. The family planned to go to Big Bear this morning. I haven't seen or touched snow since I was 8, so I am looking forward to it. I'm just hoping that it doesn't rain anymore. That will ruin it.

Anyway. Merry Twinkling Lights, I hope you had a good one, and I bring you the PvP Online Christmas Special. :)

I don't think I could ever get tired of this. :D

I wish I had the MP3, though. I can't find it.

Watching John Mayer on PBS. *siiiiigh*

I hope to go through experiences one day so that I can write about them with a pure heart. I still have yet to have my first "hand holding" experience. My first kiss. I've had a broken heart, though. I'm just not sure if those experiences really count. Maybe it's more painful than what I've felt. So yeah, I am 20 and I haven't done much. Ever since watching "Never Been Kissed" I've felt okay with being behind schedule with most of my growing up. It's just not my time yet.

I like the scars on my face. I don't know why.

I got very sick last night. So sick I was in bed all fucking day. I hate that. I have noticed that pills don't do anything for me anymore. That goes for cutting, too. They just don't make me feel good, anymore. The thought of taking pills or cutting bore me. I hope it lasts. Heh.

I have noticed how much attention I seek. I hate attention seekers, thus being irritated with myself. My sister is now getting addicted to NyQuil. She was sick last week and since then she's been usually talking about how NyQuil makes her feel "gooood." I tell her to be careful. Blah. She won't listen. I used to be the same.

Oh yeah. He was caught.

I do the same, but only because I am a bit paranoid about other people talking about me. Gotta keep these eyes sharp.

Episode 714: Raisins
Wendy breaks up with Stan because he never spends any time with her. To cheer him up, the boys take him to "Raisins,” a local restaurant known for its cheap food and hot girls. Later, as Stan tries desperately to win Wendy back, Butters believes he’s found the girl of his dreams.

"I rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid..."

Greatness. Pure greatness. I loved this episode.

Grandmother and Great Grandpa just came in 30 minutes ago. :D It was good to see my Nino again. I go in to greet them and my great grandpa chokes my whole body while he is hugging me. Strong man, he is. Then Grandma tells me that she got me my Christmas present. As I go into my mother's car I just see a cardboard box so I start to take it out and I think to myself, "This must be a mirror!" So, I am excited, but then the more I pull the longer the box seems to be. I drag the thin box out into the living room and go into my room to get Xavier to open it up. My mother helps me open it while trying to guess what it could be. As I open it I quickly start to laugh. It was the longest frame I have ever had. So long that it doesn't fit the picture up there. They are cats. Ha. My grandma knows I love cats and that I am not allowed to have any, so she got me six big ones. Old people are cool like that.

Now, I just have to figure out WHERE to put it. There's no room. :o

Grandma is coming over from Mexico again. Fun.

Today during dinner we all had good conversations. My favorite was about the kind of drinks I will be allowed to drink when I am 21. All of them. :D I told my mother I was going to drink anything I could get my hands on.

Mother: Yeah, but Sinthya can't buy liquor.
Me: She can't, but I can. She can drive, I can buy the beer.

Ooh yeah. They keep telling me that they are taking me to Vegas on my 21st. I ask them why and they tell me to gamble and get drunk until I can't see. I like the second idea. I dislike gambling.

Ah yes. I am hooked on the Eels' "Beautiful Freak." I am HOOKED. I cannot stop listening to it. I haven't even given any attention to the other two CDs that I bought. I've known about the Eels for a few years, but I never gave them a listen. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so I was meant to buy this album now instead of a few years back. I don't think I would have appreciated as much as I do now.

The logo took me a few hours (just to figure out what to come up with, not the actual doing), but I fixed Inferno Cafe just a bit. If they don't like it... they can kiss my HTML ass.

Eh, I might change the heading, though. Doesn't look that great.

Oh... Wow. I mean... Wow. I love it when a song expresses how I feel and this song hits the bull's eye and beyond. Amazing.

Not Ready Yet

There's a world outside
And I know 'cause I've heard talk
In my sweetest dream
I would go out for a walk

But I don't think I'm ready yet
I'm not feeling up to it now
Just not that steady yet
And I don't need you telling me how

There's some happiness
And my stone face cracks again
Maybe sometime sooner or later

But I don't think I'm ready yet
I'm not feeling up to it now
Just not that steady yet
And I don't need you telling me how

So if I leave my room
Don't you tell me to lighten up
Maybe sometime sooner or later

But I don't think I'm ready yet
I'm not feeling up to it now
Just not that steady yet
And I don't need you telling me how

-Eels

This is me. :)

That person called me again this morning around 8 AM. That person was parked five houses away from mine and we talked for a while. My stepdad was still home so that person couldn't come in or the cover would have been blown. I decided to take a shower and get ready. As soon as I was done I checked to see if that person was still outside. I saw that my stepdad was raking the leaves in the backyard to I quickly told my lil' sis what was going on and that I was going out with a person for a while. I grabbed two donuts and ran outside towards this person's car.

We first headed to a nearby town to stop by a thrift store to look for a mirror. I spent most of this past Saturday looking for one, but they were either gold or expensive. Damn you corporate STORES! Anyway, at our first stop we started to look for a mirror but being who we are, we got easily distracted with everything. We tried on hats, shoes, and this really cool-looking jacket. It was hot red and plastic-ish. I went through the children's clothes section and I saw this cute pink-striped shirt for my bear, Behr. The person who was with me also showed me a Hermione doll, but I resisted. I have enough Harry Potter stuff. There was this weigh-yourself-and-feel-shitty contraption there and as I stood on it I was amazed. I read "230" and I thought... "I have kept the same weight since I was 14 and all this time I thought I had gained a lot of it." Yeah, I weight a lot and I should feel like shit and trust me... I do, but I could have easily been 300 pounds right now. Sooo, it's not that bad. :l We found this CD and Cassette section in the store and quickly looked through it. I found a few CDs I've owned myself (e.i. Chumbawumba... I know. I gave that one away). I got very excited when I found a Tool CD in there. Then, I found an Eels and Portishead CD. Rockin'. The person with me decided to take these three cassettes he/she had found. Tori Amos, Jimmi Hendrix, and a Kevin and Bean Christmas cassette from 1993. We payed for everything and left. Person popped in the Tori cassette and we stopped what we were doing because the music that we were listening was definitely NOT Tori. It was some other weird shit. So yeah, that was fucked. We quickly took a listen to the other ones and they all resulted in shit. I mean, House music in a Hendrix cassette case? Oh man, we had a good laugh.

To another store we went and it was much smaller than our previous stop. I quickly found out that they had no mirrors, but we stayed in to see what else was there. We looked at more CDs (I found a Speak No Evil CD that I have) and some vinyl (I found an old Star Wars soundtrack). Two old ladies asked me where the bathroom was.

Me: Oh, I don't work here, but I don't think they have one in here.

We left. We had seen a pet store nearby and decided to check it out. We saw fish, birds... pet stuff. We were a lot to leave when I saw some bird supplies and then Person spotted something inside this room. It was kitties! Kitties and puppies! They were sooooo cute. We were tempted to take a kitty or puppy, but that was not a good idea. Our parents don't like those kinds of pets. Cute Fun Time with the pets was over and it was time to head for home since my sister was sick and alone. BUT before we went home we made a quick stop at Rite Aid where I got some candies for my sister and some chips for myself.

It was good to be home again. The person got him/herself some food and got a peek at my room. This person dug it. :D Person had to leave, so we said our good byes. My mother came soon after and when my stepdad came around they both went out to get the Christmas tree. I love the smell of fresh pine. Mmmm. My sister and I put up the lights and ornaments. Also, I made myself some new sock-gloves. I haven't worn my favorite socks because they had too many holes, so I did what I do best. I turned something worthless into something useful. Yeah.

Oh, yeah! Person? I found your APC pick in the living room so you didn't lose it! :D I guess I did hint a lot about who this person is. Harr.

I sure did say "we" and "person" a lot, eh? Yeah, get used to it. After I read this, it all sounded... constant. We, we, we! It makes me want to take a pee. Good day.

Lil' bro called me up tonight to tell me he got a job. Very happy for him.

Bro: Hey, you won't guess at what company I work for now.
Me: You got a job? Where?! Where?!
Bro: What is that one store you like but Dad won't go in?
Me: Hot Topic?! YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Bro: I am tired of looking at Curious George stuff. Hah. I saw thongs.

Heh. Yep. He now works at the Hot Topic headquarters packing products and such. He also gets to watch MTV2 during lunch. Lucky bastage. :D So yes, the big sister gets a discount. Muahaha.

Eh, I don't even shop there as much, anyway.

Okay, I know I said I would have some pictures up, but I am not really done yet. I still have a few things to do. Mostly tweaking. :l

Anyway, it seems my mother was very impressed with my work. She now wants me to do her room and my sister's room like mine. Graaah. So weird. IN fact, she came in my room a few hours ago and asked me to pick whatever I wanted from Avon. She even ordered two mascaras for me already. o_O Blue and green. :D So, yeah. No idea what is up with her.

I am almost done.

I moved my computer back in my room. It's still very bleh in here, but by tomorrow, I will happily leave my grandmother's room and move back in here. I got a call from Michael today. Bleh. He told me about a meeting that is being held at school tomorrow from 9-10:30 AM. MEH. I don't want to go, but I should. I've been doing nothing for too long. It's just some thing for those who are looking into the freelance shit. My aunt IMed me last night telling me that one of her friends needed a site built. So, I might get something soon. :D Eh, I feel so icky. Tomorrow's gonna suck. It's so embarrassing to go back to a place you don't want to be seen. Frankly, I don't want to be seen right now. Nerve wrecking.

Oh, and "Mick?" I DO NOT SOUND LIKE A HYPER WHITE GIRL and of COURSE I don't sound Emo. I am NOT EMO. WTF. It's my mic. Eh. I need to figure out how to use my it. It's pissing me off.

Anyway, I should have some pics of my new room tomorrow. Greg got a first look, though. That bastard. There, I said it. I am mean.

Create your own.

Thanks to Nanj for that site above. I used to mess with this, but the site that had it took it down. It's back. :D

My father came around today. He took me to the store to get some stuff for my room. I spent most of the evening making and fixing more Christmas decorations. We are still not done. :l I think I pulled a back muscle, too. Tomorrow, I start painting my room again. I have to finish it before my grandmother comes (once again) from Mexico. Eh.

Also, I got a visit from a certain someone, but I cannot say because some people that shouldn't know read this crap. Anyway, someone called at around 9 AM and since it wasn't my time to get up yet and I was in Grandma's room, I didn't bother to get up. That person called twice and I assumed my stepdad was still home, but no one ever picked up. I stayed in bed for a long while before I started to hear noises coming from the living room. I assumed it was my sister missing school because I heard coughing, so I ignored it. I got up when my alarm went off and when I went inside my home I saw that person. I was semi surprised. More like delighted to see that person there. We updated on stuff. The usual. It was nice.

I wish I could take pictures of my front yard, but it would look horrible in the morning since all the extention cords will be exposed and you can't see squat at night. Oh well. More stuff... too tired. Don't care.

Two of my favorite comedians are coming to Irvine this month and I'd REEEALLY like to see them again.

Brian Regan

Pablo Francisco

So, how about it, Sin? *hint hint* Screw work and lets go! I need to get my Brian fix. ;)

"You know what's the ultimate of looking like an idiot? Walking into a spider web."

We finally got the Christmas decorations going. We aren't done, but we did whatever we could for today. It's pretty neat, lots of crap. It's cheesey... Mexican style. :D My sister and I did the decorating. My parents were at work, of course. Sis and I made these really rad-looking lollipops. We still have to make a bunch more and we have more than twenty out there already. Good stuff.

I hate this. I HATE this. I hate feeling. I hate repressing feelings. I don't want to go into this funk again. It's DECEMBER for Christ's sake. The loneliest month of the year.

I miss him and I feel idiotic doing so. Why? That's all I want to know. At least a goodbye. I hate it when people don't say goodbye. They just leave assuming they will be back. I guess I do the same. No wonder I hate myself greatly. I am losing patience with myself. I can feel my whole body crying and beating itself for existing. I'm going to do it again. I am going to lash out to relax myself. I want people to leave me the fuck alone. Stop asking me questions. Expecting me to be like them. I AM NO ONE! I AM NOTHING! Why do I have to be like you? Why do I have to be what you see? DON'T make me hate you. I HATE YOU! I HATE! YOU!

WHY would anyone ever want to bother with me? Seriously, why? I have nothing in common with anyone. My conversations die... I don't care about anyone (lying bitch). HOW DARE YOU USE ME LIKE THIS?! HOW?! If you don't have anything to say, if you are bored and want to waste your words with me... fuck you.

Wow, I tired myself out. I have so much more in me, but I cannot find any words that will make you understand what's in my mind. Many think they have me figured out. I am some great person who is always there for them... always willing to listen. Blah, blah, bullshit. All I have is this because I don't dare rant to anyone. It's just the same crap everyday.

I can't hold on for long, you know. I will breakdown once again. Return to my old bad habits. The really bad ones. The constant ones. The ones that took years to get rid of. Not completely, though. Nothing is perfect. So, shut the fuck up.

Aids - FAQs

I'm glad I don't know anyone who has it.

Happy First of December.