Brittle nails.

I tried again and she ignored me. I can't believe that I go back to her. I try to make conversation when I KNOW what the outcome is going to be. It's like a dog that is beaten by it's owner but still goes back to him/her after being rejected because that dog loves it's owner so much.

Anyway! I found this fucking hilarious.

I say: If you can fart... you can speak French.

Colette might like this.

I have no opinion on this. APC are doing their thing. Alright. :)

Pay no mind to the rabble,
Pay no mind to the rabble...

Keep your head down go to sleep,
To the rhythm of the war drums.

I went to take a walk today, but I didn't even make it out of my street. I saw Edward and we started talking. He's about to move and I haven't really talked to him much since my brother was kicked out. He did most of the talking. That boy kept interrupting me. We talked for TWO hours. Two. God. I kept saying, "Well, I g-" and he'd ramble on. I think I tried to call it a night four times. I didn't leave until HE had to go back inside. My short attention span kept gnawing at my head. "LET'S GO! LET'S! GO!" Sorry, Brain.

FOX Bastards.

Just read this.

They're getting a letter from me. That's for sure. I love this site. It has so much in here.

That's how it's always going to be.

I nearly lost it at work today, but I held it together. I had four men tell me different shit. I couldn't seem to do anything right for them. There's a system there and I follow it. But because THEY ARE ALL GREEDY... FUCK. I think after my boss told me something, that's when I shut down. He wasn't mad at me, but just asked me why I blah, blah, blah... and I knew what I was doing, but because he's greedy- Bah. I couldn't even form a fucking smile for the customers. I didn't want to look at anyone. I had my head down most of the time staring at the desk. I didn't talk. I knew if I did, I would cry. Karla came by and poked my back (she and Erika are always poking my back making me squeal. They are trying to get me to stop) and I didn't even flinch. "See?? You just have to get used to it." I didn't look at her. I just shook my head and leaned on the desk. I calmed down after a while. It was almost time to leave then, anyway.

I got my bag and put on some APC. I listened to "Gravity." God, that song made it all better for me. I zoned out completely. I still stayed after to help Erika clean out her area (I always do). As soon as I heard Maynard sing-Calm these hands before they, Snare another pill and, Drive another nail down, Another needy hole, Please, release me-that did it for me. I said, "Okay. I won't go there. Everything's alright."

I took a two-hour nap after I came home.

My aunt and uncle came over tonight. My uncle asked me to help him type a letter for his client. He has his own business installing garage doors. They told me what to write and I threw in his "logo" into Photoshop. It was very plain, but plain is good. It was going to be faxed, anyway. They liked it. That's all I care about. My uncle is always amazed at how fast I am when it comes to graphics. I'm not as fast as I could be, but for him... I am a speeding bullet. "Cristal's muy chingona," he says.

Yeeeah. Sometimes :P

Am I boring?

I was thinking about a conversation I had with the bartender at work today. He's been trying to get me to drink (even DURING work), and I've always denied him. A long time ago he asked me what I did for fun. If I went out, etc. I told him I was a hermit. His attitude towards that was, "But, you are YOUNG. You need to be going out with friends and drinking.." and blah, blah, blah. So, today, after he offered me a drink, he just looked at me with his blood-shot eyes and asked me, "Why are you boring?" I was like, "WHAAAAAAAAAT?" I raised my voice a bit and say, "Oh no. No. I am not boring. Just because I don't do the things you do and..."

I went off. Not in an angry way, but in a "I am defending myself" kind of way. I usually let it go when people say something about me like that, but when you offend me... I start to throw all the reasons why YOU were wrong for saying what you did. And he offended me. I mean, honestly. He's a drunk. His idea of "fun" is drinking your life away. Coming to work looking like shit? That's not mine. I haven't had a drink for maybe almost a month. I used to drink every weekend. I just don't feel like it right now. Nor do I want to fuck up my system even more than what it already is.

Needless to say, Martin, the bartender, shut up.

Back to the topic: Am I boring.

The more I thought about that conversation the more I asked myself that question. I mean, I know I am not boring. If I am with the right person/people and if my mood isn't so bad, I am a pretty cool chick to hang out with. I usually break the ice if I sense tension, too. I listen (not so well, but I can pretend at times) and if people seek my advice I give them the best of me. Does the fact that I don't go out, don't hang out with/have friends, not involved with life, have no particular hobbies... make me dull? Or does my "spunky" personality take over for what society calls "being fun?" Not that many people know the real me. And those who think they do... are probably wrong. I am not as open as you think. Or as closed. But I am both. What a MAN to call ME "boring" when he has no IDEA what I am about. He has no idea. His loss.

Oh, BTW. WE WANT SNU-SNU!
No, not really. Heh.

Two quick links.

I watch the VH1 show Totally Obsessed.

This one really just... Fucking shit.

And this ONE. FUCK!

I hope they die. I hope they ALL die!

APC News

I don't feel like saying much because I feel like craaaaaaaaap. Just reposting shit that's been posted before.

2004-08-25 STATEMENT FROM MAYNARD
November 2nd, coinciding with the presidential election, APC will be releasing a collection of songs about WAR, PEACE, LOVE AND GREED, entitled "eMOTIVe." Featuring new material and songs like "imagine" by John Lennon, "What's goin on" by Marvin Gaye, "Let's have a war" by FEAR. This week we will release one of these new songs entitled, "Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums," with an animated video poking fun at our fearless leader. Hopefully, you'll find it as entertaining as we do.

REMEMBER... EVERY SINGLE VOTE COUNTS.

Don't let yourself be tricked into thinking it does not. It is important for us all to engage this political system and to be conscious of who is being chosen to speak for us. If you choose not to be involved with decisions that affect your life on a daily basis, in our opinion, you forfeit your right to complain about it later. THINK FOR YOURSELF. QUESTION AUTHORITY. Hopefully you will choose to vote on November 2nd.

Peace,
Maynard.

Covers. Mmhmm. We'll see. Only thing is that I wish I knew what "DUBYA DUBYA DUBYA DOT A PERFECT CIRCLE DOT COM" meant. Might be there just for decor. Oh well. Many people were confused about this album even though it's been in a message board for almost two months. They think this is the remix album that APC are doing. Another DVD is coming too.

Your halo slipping down...

To choke you now.

Eh.

Hair, GROW. NOW.

I went to the mall again. With my mother and sister. Sister needed new clothes for school. My mother actually offered to buy me something, sooo... I got this cool cardigan! I love it. It's black with pink argyle line on the sleeves. I made my sister try on some pinstripe pants and she reeeeeeeally didn't want to, but did anyway. She came out of the dressing room and said, "I hate you." Meaning that she actually liked them. So, yes. Big Sister knows best. :D

We got home a little before seven so I changed pants and took my walk with Mari. We didn't even do one lap and I was already bored with it, so I made Mari walk around the school and headed for Upland. We almost came close to the freeway bridge when she screamed and said she saw Julian's car. BLAST! We had to walk super fast, make a short cut through Armsley Square to catch up to him. I knew as soon as he got home that he'd come looking for us at school. We made it in time. He asked, "Have-"

Me: NO. I haven't downloaded anything!
Him: AWWWWW, dammit!
Me: WELL? It's... I'm lazy! I don't feel like DLing anything, dammit.

So, he made me go online so HE could DL some shit. I was on too early. :l After a while, he took me to Rite Aid because I was craving Chocolate (I think I ate too much). I took a while because I didn't know what I wanted (and the price). He INSISTED on buying me and Mari the candy and after arguing about it, I gave in. I got some acne soap, too. I've been buying the same kind for a few years, but this one was "acne prone." I hope this works. My face has gotten worse. Eh. I showed my brother and he goes, "Daaamn, ya te chingaste." Which is basically saying, "Damn, you're fucked." And yeah. I am. My face is... I hate it.

I'm hoping it'll go down. *sigh*

Mmm. Ice cream-pooping taco.

My right leg is bitching. Yeah.

Mari and I went to Barnes and Noble. It's both my paradise and headache. So many books, so little time. I skip from book to book and I rarely stop to check anything out because I feel like I have to go through every book in the store. It's almost overwhelming. Almost. Only one section got my attention longer than any other. Addiction/Recovery. I mostly looked into the ADD books. I kept getting drawn towards the Self-Mutilation books, but as soon as I would get one off the shelf, I'd sigh and put it back. I don't want to bother with them anymore. I sat down for a while a read interesting stuff. It was getting a bit late, so I went to look for my sister. She was in the Weather section. Nerd. :) We looked through the Humor section last before we left. She got herself a B&N Bargain book. Those rock. Something about haunted places.

Mari wanted to go to Hot Topic so she could get a couple of pins, but before we went to the mall she wanted to check out this game store. She wanted to look for a game (I forgot the name). We didn't last long in there. I mostly listened to this kid talk about how he had two job and was living on his own. Made me feel inferior. Anyway. The mall.

We went to Spencer's first before Hot Topic. Just in case. We spent a long while looking through pins. Getting poked. She got herself a Harry Potter pin that said "I speak Parseltounge" and another one that says "Never Trust A Clown." Yeeeah. I got one, too. Mine says "Forgetfulness is a sign of genius." If only it were true in my case. One of the girls that worked there looked like a Punk version of Ashlee Simpson. Mmmhmm. Sis and I got tired of looking at crap (Mother called us, too. Sign to move it). I bought my pin first. The cashier chick asked, "You won't need a bag, huh?" Nope. Can't waste bags. Plus, I had my jacket on. "Man, you really have some old pins there." She saw my Skinner pin. Mari pointed out that she and I had the same pin. Girl Kicks Boy In Groin. I love that pin. Then Punky Ashlee Simpson turns to me and says, "I have Zack" and pointed at her pin of Zack Morris. "I love Zack." Riiiight. I just smiled and said, "I love Screech."

Sis and I called Mom to let her know we were ready and left Hot Topic while having a small barking contest. We always have those.

Mari noticed Punky Ashlee Simpson, too. "That girl reminded me of Ashlee Simpson," She mentioned. "Yeeah, she did. Too bad," I said. "I was going to tell her, but-"

Me: Oh nooo. You don't do that.
Her: Why not? I would take it as a compliment.
Me: Yeeah. No. She would have kicked your ass.

Heh. Maybe. That girl had cute hair, though.

Four Things

FOUR Things you're called
[x] Oxie
[x] Lazyass
[x] Baby
[x] Crittal

FOUR People Who Make You Laugh
[x] Kolin
[x] Carlos Mencia
[x] Cole
[x] Blood Has Been Shed - Age Of Apocalypse (I know it's not people, but this song always makes me laugh)

FOUR Things You Love
[x] KOLIN/Kolin's smile
[x] Newborn Baby smell
[x] Music
[x] Zephyr

FOUR Things You DON'T Like
[x] Males
[x] Humans
[x] My mild dyslexia
[x] Mother

FOUR Things In Your Room
[x] A mess
[x] My guitar
[x] My smiley cup
[x] Computer

FOUR Things You're Doing Right Now
[x] Trying to stay up
[x] Typing
[x] Chatting with Dante
[x] Licking the sore in my mouth :(

FOUR Things You Should Do
[x] GO TO BED
[x] Stop licking that sore
[x] Stop eating bad stuff
[x] Be something

FOUR Things You Say Most
[x] "Yeah?"
[x] "Fuck."
[x] "Ugh."
[x] "Eh."

FOUR Fav. Foods
[x] Chocolate
[x] Ranch dressing
[x] Chicken nuggets
[x] Chocolate chip cookies

FOUR Fav Drinks
[x] Smirnoff
[x] Water
[x] Hard Liquor
[x] Punch

FOUR Places You Wanna Go
[x] Dreamland
[x] Secluded island
[x] Europe
[x] Florida

FOUR Names For Future Kids
[x] Fuck.
[x] This.
[x] Damn.
[x] Shit.

FOUR Sites You Visit Online
[x] Blogspot
[x] Hotmail
[x] PvP Online
[x] Habbo Hotel

FOUR Of Your Hobbies
[x] Sleeping
[x] Eating
[x] Daydreaming
[x] Talking to myself

FOUR Things You Do When You're Bored
[x] Sleep
[x] Eat
[x] Think
[x] Stare into oblivion

FOUR Things You're Thinking About Right Now
[x] My head fucking hurts like fuck.
[x] My neck fucking hurts like hell.
[x] Dammit, I miss him.
[x] MY HEAD!!! I should go to bed.

First FOUR Thoughts When You Wake up
[x] What Time Is it?
[x] Ugh. Dammit.
[x] Eh.
[x] *sigh*

FOUR Movies You Love
[x] Edward Scissorhands
[x] Never Been Kissed
[x] Harry Potter series
[x] Emperor's New Groove

Okay, those are the only ones I could think of.

FOUR Songs You Love
[x] Selfless, Cold, and Composed - Ben Folds Five
[x] Bound To The Floor - Local H
[x] The Fragile (longer version) - NIN
[x] Dimmer Light - Dead Poetic

Same as movies...

Phew.

Once again...

I am back to looking at referrals. Well, I have been for a while now.

They're mostly my name (Oxie), Habbo Faces, my Blogger profile, or unknown. I'll just give you the list of the shit that makes my name come up in a search engine.

daniel radcliffe's penis - I am the first in the list. It's easy to see why.
i love to singa about the moona - Gotta love that Al Jolson or Owl.
what does a vigina taste like - Why, why, why...
I am a guy and I fucked my dog.com - Damn that "I am."
blogspot + "john mayer" + bank - I have no idea.
Porky's, tijuana - Hmm. I wonder...
LEARN HOW TO FLOOD ON HABBO - YEAH! ... Asswhipe.
"grabbed my vagina" - ... And then what?
a perfect circle on conan obrian - Heh.
obsessive cheek biting - I have that. Eh.
I am a moron - Aren't we all.
"mer de noms" lettering - Sea of People. DL the Runes font, kids.
te - Pressed the "enter" key too soon?
cantiflas spanish actor pic - Nope. No Cantiflas here.
"BECAUSE I'M SICK OF BEING LIED TO" - Dead Poetic fan?
silhouette ox - Good idea.
girl dies at west covina mall - Yeah? I haven't been there in a while. Dammit.
brian froud autograph - I don- whatever.

I got a lot of blogs in here too.

http://www.mimaza.blogspot.com/
http://peanut-oil.blogspot.com/
http://lovelikepop.blogspot.com/
http://munkholt.blogspot.com/
http://meurefugio.blogspot.com/
http://photosofghosts.blogspot.com/
http://kreazeless.blogspot.com/
http://uscareme.blogspot.com/
http://xade.blogspot.com/
http://manfreddy.blogspot.com/
http://marknicodemo.blogspot.com/


I checked all of them to see why they linked me and I only found one. I don't know how people got through my site from theirs. Most of them weren't even in English. *shrugs*

Something Hi-larious.

From Something Awful's Awful Link Of The Day. For Sunday, August 22.

Louis Stephen Carrozzi IX is the Messiah. Unfortunately, that isn't quite enough to keep him in the life of luxury to which the Son of God is accustomed. He keeps having delightfully comic misadventures butting heads with the Doubting Thomases of the world, whom he calls "sheeple." If the use of the term "sheeple" itself isn't enough to convince you that this guy is an asshole, just spend some time browsing his site. It'll become clear pretty quickly. For instance, here's an excerpt from his latest news entry:

Well, appearently THE SHEEPLE in my friend's apartment building, who are bunch of scared pussies who don't give a shit about anyone except themselves and can't mind their own fucking business decided that I "made them uncomfortable" JUST BY LIVING HERE - shit I didn't even DO anything wrong! Just living was enough to OFFEND THEM, oh, and I talked too loud on the phone to my best friend who I haven't talked to in MONTHS, and that was it.

You have to read the rest. It's great. Sheeple. Heh.

Latest Mother-Daughter Convo.

Me: *gets cake*
Mom: *comes into the kitchen and looks at cake*
Mom: You're going eat ALL of that??
Me: Yes. :D
Mom: *frowns at me* You don't drink soda, but you drink cake??
Me: No. I eat cake. *leaves*

What I should have said was, "One drinks soda like water. I don't eat cake like it's an every-day meal. I haven't had cake in a long while, I've been craving chocolate for over a month, and because it's going to go to waste... I AM GOING TO EAT AS MUCH AS I FUCKING WANT TO!" But no. I just left.

You know, she's NEVER cared to help me lose weight as a kid. She would always tell me that I needed to get on a diet, but she never did anything to help me. I was too young to know or care about diets. She tried helping me ONCE, but she only made fun of me because I couldn't keep up with her. So, I gave up.

I remember the doctor telling her that she had to put me on a diet when I was ten. TEN. I was very overweight. I was sad because that meant I couldn't have what my brother or sister were having (junk food), but I was up for it. Did she do it? No. She would only tell me, "You shouldn't eat that, but here, have this fattening chunk of meat." and "EAT ALL OF YOUR FOOD!" So, yeah. I'd stuff myself down. My father had part in this too. He used to feed me a lot of shit as a kid. He tells me that he regrets it. Oh well. I've always had an issue with food. It was my Nyquil and Tylenol as a kid. When I was sad, I ate. When I was happy, I ate. When I was angry... I ATE. I ate my emotions away. I'm paying for it now.

So, now that I am actually starting to take care of myself (slowly, but starting) she just puts me down even more. Just because she can't fucking lose her baggage, doesn't mean she has to take it out on me. But I've found that whatever she says (when it comes to my weight) doesn't hurt me anymore. She tells me I'm fat and I say yes. I am. So what? Worry about your own.

My neeeck. :(

Giving me headache.

Uh. I was too lazy to post Thursday. I had to go to bed "early" to get up early. My aunt Guille and uncle Carlos came over yesterday. With the kids. Eesh. My brother came over too. Surprised me a bit. I went into the bathroom to mess with my hair (took three minutes) came back and he was sitting in my chair messing with my computer. I hate it when he does that. I cringe when he does that. My computer is basically my PERSONAL journal. I was happy to see him, though. He asked how many songs I have DLed for him so far and I told him... none. Bah. I can't believe I am DLing Usher. I just- He sucks cock. Oh well. For my bro. My father came by too. He bought me a couple of mangos and some cranberry juice. I haven't eaten the mangos yet.

I didn't know, but they were having a "party" that day. For Julian's and David's birthday. Another party for David will be this Sunday. His family. Eh. My grandma made some Pozole. My favorite type of soup. Mmm. I didn't get to eat some right away, though. There were people around and well... they had to eat first. I had planned to straighten my hair that day and as soon as I mentioned it to my aunt Guille, she insisted that she should do it. I'm glad. I didn't really feel like doing it myself. Takes too long. So, we went into my room and watched 13 Going on 30 while she did my hair. She burned the fuck out of my scalp, but... I liked it. Not at first. I hate heat. I hate burns, but the feeling afterwards. I don't know. The movie was cute. She was done with my hair after an hour or so. "You owe me some Starbucks." Ha. She showed me her hands after she was done, too. They were hot pink. I had recently dyed- Oh, wait, COLORED my hair that day. Guille told me that we don't dye our hair. We color it. Only whores dye it. Riiiight. Anyway, yeah. My hair came alright.

I changed quickly after that because my other aunt, Ofelia, was coming over. It got to the point where all the kids where in my room fucking around, so I kicked them all out, grabbed my bag, and headed out the door. I wanted to take my walk early. I told my mom where I was going and left. Too many people. Ack. I headed for the track and as I came near, I noticed that it was being used for football practice, so I just walked straight through the school and took another route. I ended up taking a longer walk. From Euclid, to Holt, to San Antonio and back to Fifth. While I was on San Antonio, I passed by an overturned car. Everyone who lived near where the accident happened were standing around staring at the victims. I've always found that kinda rude. Unless there's a brain or a leg somewhere, I don't care to see what's going on. Also, someone thought it would be funny to throw a firecracker at me while I was walking on that same street. Luckly it missed me. What is it with me and people that want to hurt me? Seriously. People are now upgrading from screaming shit at me to throwing shit at me. Fuckers.

I made it home safely, though. When I got there my brother asked me where I had gone. He went to the track to look for me and my father called me to see where I was. Everyone was still at home when I got back. Eh. It didn't take long for them to leave, though. I eat some cake quickly and then had some Pozole.

Grandma left today. I'm kinda glad too. I can't really do my usual when she and her company are around. I said goodbye to her before work and that was that. Work was boring. I got my Avon stuff (I am getting addicted to this shit). My ring and my two mascaras (Fuchsia and Violet). I loooove my ring. It's my new favorite. Even the girls at work like it. Erika got so attatched to it she wanted to superglue it to her finger. It's huge.



She ordered this Hello Kitty set and I really like the ring, so I am going to wait and look at hers and if I like it, I will order one. I bought more stuff. -_- Four nail polish-es. Right. Yeah. Dammit. I really like my ring.

Ah, yeah. Erika had been talking to some guy over the phone for a month now and she's been wanting to meet him, but everytime they've tried she either had to go or he couldn't make it. Well, he called today to let her know that he was coming over for sure. She was pissing in her panties. She almost made me piss in mine. Just thinking about that feeling when your heart is racing, your body grows weak with every second that passes, you feel lightheaded and... yeah. Woo. I can't wait. Ha. I had to go, so I missed their meeting, but as I headed outside the backdoor I saw a bunch of guys going into the restaurant. Surely it was them. So, yeah. I can't wait for Erika to talk my head off on Sunday.

Oh, I almost forgot. I took my sister to the freshmen orientation this morning. That's why I had to get up early. She got her schedule first. I knew where most of her classes were, so I took her around and gave her an idea where she was going to go. She got drama. Heh. She wanted Spanish and chorus, though. Luckily, I was good friends with my counselor, Mr. Santia, so I told her just to mention me (if he doesn't first) and ask him if he could help her get her Spanish class. I would have liked to have seen him, but he wasn't around. We waited a while before everyone went into the auditorium to watch the assembly. I'm telling you, the cheerleaders have really fallen apart from what I was used to when I was in high school. Jesus, I was almost embarrassed for them. Almost. She and I left early. She didn't need to go through every thing.

My sister and I took a bunch of stupid pictures yesterday, too. Man, she's a cam whore.



You can tell that I couldn't make as many faces because THIS GIRL was making me laugh too much. Crazy.

Dumb bitch.

I went out for my walk as usual. Only I went alone this time. My father didn't call. I was 45 minutes into my walk when I saw my dad and Karina walking towards me. That surprised me. He and I made a couple of laps before we called it quits. I wanted to leave early to watch the two-hour Family Guy marathon on Fox. That didn't happen. My father took me to the bank so I could withdraw some money and then he took me to the store to get a money order. He took me home after that. He's coming by tomorrow to help me with one of the bills.

Ugh. I just shivered thinking about my mother. That woman. Sigh. I just- I don't know. Never mind. I wish I didn't hold it in because I am about to fucking blow up, but... I rather drink my Ny and go to bed. It's not worth it. She just- FUCK YOU!!!!!!

Anyway, here are those other surveys I did. I did a lot. I've been bored. So, if you're bored, you can pick one that you like and do one.

*cringe*

Oh. That old man in tonight's Family Guy episode?

Fucking creepy.

"You starting to piss me off, you piggly sumbitch. Call me!."

Another walk.

Dad's been coming around more often. He came by yesterday so he and I could take a walk. We did the same today. He brought along his family this time, though. It was cool. Gave me time to walk faster by myself. It's only 10:54 and I am already sleeeeepy. I took some Ny a while ago.

My grandma's here. She brought a couple with her. The girl says hi to me and she just stares at my hair. "Every time I come here you always have a different color." I really haven't had that many colors, but cool.

Oh well. Imma watch Family Guy then head for bed. I love you, K. I had fun tonight. :)

Here I go again.

Due to bullshit beyond my control...

I am going to make a new fucking layout. May God have mercy on my fucking soul.

I am going to kick...

your... ass. - Stewie

Stewie is just a cute little gay kid. He's DYING to come out of the closet.

Awalking0xymoron: boo
I am Oxie Moron: :LOL! Oh my God.
Awalking0xymoron: LOL
Awalking0xymoron: Boo?
I am Oxie Moron: Two people IMed me at the same time saying the same thing.
I am Oxie Moron: You and this other guy.
Awalking0xymoron: who was this other guy?
I am Oxie Moron: His name is Nick.
Awalking0xymoron: did he just see The Village?
I am Oxie Moron: lol
I am Oxie Moron: Doubt it.
I am Oxie Moron: muzicman82 (10:59:21 PM): boo!
I am Oxie Moron: Awalking0xymoron (10:59:21 PM): boo
Awalking0xymoron: weird!!
I am Oxie Moron: See? Exact time!
Awalking0xymoron: wowwowowow!
Awalking0xymoron: DID YOU TELL HIM THAT?
I am Oxie Moron: LOL Yes?
Awalking0xymoron: weird!
I am Oxie Moron: I gotta post this.
Awalking0xymoron: :D

The little things excite me.

I don't care if it hurts...

I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.

Watch the flash. It's great. If I were you, I would right-click on the link and select Save Target As. DL it. Much faster.

It came.

David got his green card through the mail today. Guess where they are now? On their way to Tijuana. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I declined. One: I'm still fucking sick, two: it's three hours away, three: they need time alone, four: I need my time to WAKE UP. Anyway, they were only going to go to TJ to EAT something. Riiiiight.

I woke up at 10:30, but I was still half asleep until... now. I am still a little.

This sucks.

Damn right.

Yeah. I admit it.

I am addicted to Nyquil. Big fucking whoop. Everyone knows that. Actually, I'm addicted to anything that knocks me out within minutes. I've already finished 1/4 of it. Looking at it as a four-part bottle. I took some today just for the hell of it. I didn't want to be awake. I didn't even bother to use the little cup. A quick swig and I was out. I can't get enough of it. I mean, who can resist the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, sore throat, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, sleep better to FEEL BETTER medicine? It cures it all.

I changed the format of my blog. Just a little. So, now most of my links are under the posts. I've also changed it from the "6 days" format down to "1 days" So, you won't have to look at the old crap every time you visit the site.

Today, while turning off the lights in my room, I thought about how I was feeling. "Numb," I told myself. Then I thought, "That's a great oxymoron." I'm feeling, but I'm feeling nothing. It's funny.

Hmm. Okay, this tells me that I need sleep.

Eh?

I called my brother today before work to wish him a happy birthday, but his damn voice mail was on. I had to sit through maybe the first verse and chorus to Crossfade's Cold song before I was allowed to leave a message. He always does that. Changes the song once in a while. You are the antidote that gets me by... something strong like a drug that gets ME hiiiiiiigh. It's so obvious why he likes that song. Must suck for him right now. Eh.

Work was dull. I spent my time talking to Erika about current news. She always gets mad when I talk to her about mutilated bodies and such. She gets mad at me for talking shit about myself, too. SO hard to make her see that it's OKAY to make fun of myself. No big deal. I saw this cute little kid (maybe 11) who was dressed all in black, had a mohawk, and was wearing spikes all the way up to his elbows. Both arms.

"Did you see that kid? He's so cute!"

I should have shut up. Erika thought I was serious. She actually thought that I actually LIKED the damn kid. "He's ELEVEN! How can you think he's cute!?" -_- I had to explain to her what I meant. Cute as a puppy, woman. I am not going to get infatuated with an eleven-year-old kid when I have a BOYFRIEND already. Just because I think someone is cute doesn't mean I want to be with him/her. Erika doesn't like the type of people I do. Her ideal "fine guy" would have to be tall, bald, probably tanned, dressed up "real nice", which just means he has to be decked out in "fly" gear. Basically your typical Mexican high school male in California. Boring.

I showed her a picture of Kolin today (sorta. she took my wallet and started to snoop around). She looked at it and said, "He's so pale." The picture wasn't in it's true color. I changed the mode from RGB to Duotone in Photoshop. Black and maroon. Looks nicer than my black and aqua. So, yeah... Kolin did look more pale than what he really is. I wouldn't have cared if Kolin were black or worse... Mexican. I'm in love with HIM. I said it before and I'll fucking say it again: everything else is a plus.

Erika means well, but she's 17 and not as open minded as I was when I was her age. She's your typical Cali high school girl. She's still cool, though. I mean, I talk to her. That means a lot.

Before work.

While I was getting ready for work my mother and David called me into the living room to show me what they were watching. They asked me where Kolin lived again to make an estimate on how close the hurricane was to my stepbrother, David. I told them everything I knew about what's been going on down there in Florida. Been watching the news. Needless to say, David took it well.

David Jr. lives in Pinellas Park which is roughly 20+ minutes away from Tampa where the hurricane was supposed to hit. The eye, I mean.

Now off to work! I've been losing my hearing, BTW. Not a good sign.

1985.

Happy birthday to my brother, Julian.

He's 19 today.

Mr. Heat, stop making me sad.

My father called me up again this evening. He asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. Fun. He picked me up and we went to my high school to walk around the track. It was his first time there. We walked calmly. Kinda slow for my speed. We talked about family stuff. Mostly about moving and building credit.

He took me to the store after that. He kept asking me if I wanted something and every time someone does, my mind goes blank. I ended up getting some yogurt. Two for one dollar. Peach. I did want a jar of pickles, but I didn't say anything. He bought bananas. I asked him, "Do bananas make you fat?" He looked at me funny. I told him about what my mother told me this week.

Me: *eats banana*
Mom: Did you know that bananas can make you fat?
Me: Then why do you buy them?
Mom: So we can eat them.
Me: Okay then.
Mom: Yeah, but they can make you fat if you eat them everyday.
Me: Why? They're fruit. I don't care.
Mom: I don't care.
Me: No one eats them anyway. They just go to waste. So, I eat them.
Mom: Then I won't buy them anymore.
Me: I don't care. Don't buy them. Then they won't go to waste.

She's always telling me how things make me fat when I'm ALREADY fucking fat. She should worry about herself. I'm not the one who used to be skinny and then blew up. I was never skinny. I was always fat and I probably will always be fat. I'm the only one who's come close to accepting it.

I still hate it, though.

Yow. Ny couldn't knock me down!

[last word you said]: Said.
[last song you sang]: Four Wall Blackmail - Dead Poetic
[last person you hugged]: Um... I don't remember.
[last thing you laughed at]: Something Colette said.
[last time you said 'i love you']: Yesterday to Kolin and many times today while thinking about Kolin.
[last time you cried]: Yesterday.
[what's in your cd player]: Dead Poetic's Four Wall Blackmail
[what color socks are you wearing]: Flesh colored. No, I am not wearing any fucking socks. Too hot.
[what's under your bed]: Nothing. Just the carpet.
[what time did you wake up today]: 10 AM
[current taste]: Taste of what? Um, Halls cough drops? Tastes as in trends? I don't follow those.
[current hair]: Still short, black, layered, curly, hints of pink, and unbrushed.
[current clothes]: What IS this? Um, my olive green cargos and my Lemonheads shirt.
[current annoyance]: Me.
[current longing]: CHOCOLATE! All day.
[current desktop picture]: Mae's CD cover. It's lovely.
[current worry]: Uh. I pass.
[current hate]: Hmm. Males.
[story behind your username]: Seems like this is for Live Journal so I will go with the name OXIE. I had a cat that I dubbed Oxie back in 2001. My grey little green-eyed tabby. Sigh.
[current favorite article of clothing]: Black pinstripe pants, olive green cargos, tanks, and my scarves. Basically shit that I wear all the time.
[last cd that you bought]: Uhh... I don't rememb- Oh, yeah. AIC.
[favorite place to be]: Anywhere but my home.
[least favorite place]: HOME. I haven't really been anywhere else.
[if you could play an instrument, what would it be]: Banjo. If not piano. Bass! Guitar? Why not. Everyone can play that, though. Okay, okay... bagpipes. Madolin! Shit. Forget it.
[favorite color]: Blue, orange, pink, green, blah, blah, blah.
[do you believe in an afterlife]: Uh, I dunno. I'd like to believe that I'll go to my ultimate paradise when I die. Whatever that is.
[how tall are you]: 5'5'' :(
[current favorite word/saying]: "Shit." Then there's "fuck."
[favorite book]: Right now- "Oddballs and Eccentrics."
[favorite season]: Autumn.
[one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to]: My grandpa.
[favorite day]: Monday.
[where do you want to go]: Anywhere to get away from myself.
[what is your career going to be like]: Creative. I hope.
[how many kids do you want]: I don't know yet.
[what kind of car will you have]: A car that won't scare me to death. Bah.
[a random lyric]: "Save yourself. 'Cause the only thing that matters is that you get away, from the pain and the thought of losing your mind."
[identify some things surrounding your computer]: Uh, printer, jewlery, glasses, medicines, mirrors, hair thingies, cartoon figures, glasses, LOTS of books and CDs. Fuck. I have a lot of shit.

I did more. MANY more.

I still hate message boards.

Old news, but regardless... news.

Interesting. Serj rocks, BTW.

Return of the Ny!

I am in pharmacy heaven. Yeah, it doesn't seem like a lot, but... the Ny does it for me. I missed Ny.

My father called me this morning asking how I was feeling and I have been better, but my cough got worse. It's almost like a "ouch fuck off!" cough. He was going to take me to the post office to get an application, but I didn't feel like getting up at all. It's been 100 degrees for the past few days. Boo. Dad came over anyway. First he called to let me know that he was dropping off Karina (my half sister) at my house while he did some shopping. Karina and I didn't talk to each other. She's quiet when she's somewhere else OTHER than her home. Tom & Jerry, Rugrats, Blue's Clues. We watched it all. I did most of the laughing.

It took a while before my father came back. He gave me two bags with stuff in it. He always over does it, but I'm glad. No one else over here goes out of their way to help me. Just him.

Steve: Here Laura! These are for you!
Steve: WOW! ARE YOU WEARING A BRA!?

Haahaha. That always makes me laugh. I love watching my daily dose of TGITGIF. Thank God It's TGIF. Reminds me of the good times.

Anyway, he got me three bags of Halls, VapoRub, and two (yes TWO) bottles of Nyquil. Oh, my father is obsessed with Vapo. It's the cure for everything. Like I told Kolin, the Greek have Windex... we have VapoRub. I love how that shit smells. He also got me some soup. Three cups of kitchen-made soup. Tastes awesome.

I'm all set for great sleep now. I haven't had any in weeks. Of course, that's still better than what an insomniac goes through. Sorry, Teddy. I love you.

Oh, the latest PvP mentions the "Office Punk" look. Ha. I love that. I should go back to my paper clips, staplers, safety pins... nails. Anyway, PvP rocks.

Fritos rock.

I had a long talk with myself this evening. Gave me a chance to let out a good cry, too. A couple of good cries. I had a talk with Behr, too. Most of what I said made sense. I did all the talking, though. Behr doesn't like to speak much. He's been my best bearfriend since 2001, I believe. Poor thing. I only talk to him when I feel like shit. Most of the time he's behind the bed or on the floor. Regardless, he sticks around to keep me company.

I really need some company. Not just any company. Yeah. Anyway. Tomorrow is going to be semi-interesting. Maybe.

---

Forum.

Bras suck.

So... David got his green card a few days ago. He and Mom already made plans to go to Mexico. Twice. Before the year ends.

"We'll go to Mexico for two weeks! Three!"

Everyone's going. I'm thinking... uh. I'd like to go, sure. BUT. They are planning to go by car. Not plane. CAR. I get car sick, I hate being in the same spot for too long, and... I can't stop working for two weeks. I just can't. MOTHER wants me to get another job, YET she wants me to go to Mexico with her. Is there any job that'll let me do that? Not one that I can get hired for. She never thinks about anyone but herself. Plus, she KNOWS that I am already going to go to Mexico with my cousins. Let them go for two weeks. I can be here by myself. Alone. For Christmas. And New Years. I'm used to it anyway. Been there. Done that. Whatever. I'm being a fucking bitch. Man, I'm horrible.

I dunno. I'll have to wait and see what happens.

Anyway, I'm still sick. I've been sick since Friday. The fan got me sick. I knew that was the problem, but I still used it. Because of that... I am on the verge of getting an ear infection. I had a breakdown yesterday because I was afraid of getting an ear infection and the pain. I couldn't handle it. I hate not being in control. The whole right side of my face hurt like fucking fuck. Not to mention that I have FUCKING SORES in my mouth and on my tongue, a sore throat, and stuffy and runny nose. I can't stop biting my tongue, My ear is bitching... I bitch too much.

Summer blows.

I can't handle being alone right now. I need to knock myself out or... I dunno.

I thought about it...

and decided that I will never stop cutting.

Ever.

The urge will NEVER go away. Only until I die will I leave this constant need, because when I die... my feelings will die with me. Yes, I will battle it until I fall apart, but I told myself an hour ago, "Stop lying to yourself. It'll only make you want it more." So I have. I am so fucking TIRED of telling people, "I won't do it anymore." "I've stopped. I will never do it again." It's all a fucking lie.

Anything can trigger it. Looking at the word "blood" takes my breath away. It makes me lust after it. I crave the taste. All I can do is reminisce over the past and hope that I get a least a paper cut. Something. Anything. It'll never leave me. The color red--it makes me shiver. My room. How sometimes I wish my ceiling was a true pool of warm, dark red liquid. I'd sleep in it. I don't know how exactly this obsession with blood started. It's grown over the years.

I remember the first day I felt it, though. I just didn't know it then. I had been cutting for two years when I took a rusty razor to my arm. I did it so fast and deeper than I have before... my eyes widened when I saw my skin stretch to white before the red made its presence. I loved it so much, I did it again. And again, and again, and again, and again... I couldn't stop. I was laughing out loud with amazement. Wow. I can't believe how easy it is. I can't stop. I- I don't want to. I started shaking. Smearing the blood. Tasting the blood. Still laughing. Still wanting more. I started on my other arm, but...

I snapped out of it. I opened my eyes and saw what I had done. It wasn't real. I washed the blood away, cleaned any mess that I had made, and quickly hid in my room. The next day, I pretended like nothing happened. My mood was always the same. Oblivious. "Fuck everyone." I didn't care who saw the cuts. I'd roll my long sleeves up and let them see light. I was proud of them. Proud of how far I went. I got one reaction. Disgust. It was from someone I didn't expect to get a reaction from. He never reacted to anything. That felt good.

My mother saw them. I forgot what she said. My grandma saw them. She reacted the only way she could: make a big deal about it. She's an over-emotional woman. "Why? Why do you do that to yourself?" The only answer I could come up with is by shrugging my shoulders. They wouldn't understand, so I didn't bother to explain. My mother always threaten to send me away to a hospital. I wouldn't flinch when she did. She didn't have the fucking guts to do it. *I* was the one that MADE her take me to see a doctor. She never thought of it. I made the appointments. I took the time to take those fucking pills. I avoided the fact that I was addicted to any pill at the time. She knew. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG NOW?! HUH?! YOU DON'T EVEN TRY TO GET BETTER! I HAVE MORE PROBLEMS! I SHOULD BE THE ONE GOING TO THERAPY!!! I AM SO SICK OF YOUR SHIT!" She started crying. I just sat there. I never answer back.

The ones who helped me through the bullshit were the people at school. The teachers. The ones who supposedly don't give a shit about you when in fact, they do. They didn't want me to fuck it up for myself. They saw something in me and the FACT, THE FUCKING FACT that they even BOTHERED to help me means more to me now than it did then. It means that I am worthwhile. All my life I've felt worthless. They took a little chunk of that away.

I don't always feel this way. I am torn up. The Great and The Horrible. I am constantly pulling myself up and down. Highs and lows. I feel them everyday.

It will never go away.

--

YOU CAN HURT ME ANYMORE.
YOU CAN HURT ME ANYMORE.
Fed from the wound from which we were bled.
Vomiting filth in our soft cave heads.
Chewing on tissue.
Tendon and fat.
Destroying the things they do not UNDERSTAND!!

TYRANT!
BETRAYER!
PARASITE!
TRAITOR!!

And still you feed them.
And still you need them.
I'm sorry, I'm ugly.
Dangerous, can't describe it enough.
I'm FAILING, I'm ANGRY!
I use my fear TO EMPOWER MY HATE!
I'm FUCKED UP, I'm DIFFERENT!
Words remain MY ONLY ESCAPE!
ART SAVES, ALL OF ME!
EVOLVING!
AND YOU'RE WALKING AWAY!!!!

Some GoF news. :)

Exclusive Goblet of Fire script.

I hope they don't cut the ball. It's said that they are going to cram everything in one film instead of pulling a Matrix on GoF. So much is going to be cut off. :(

Make a fucking phone call.

I hate it when someone makes plans with me, breaks them, and doesn't bother to TELL me about it. I always find out too late.

From someone else.

I need to calm the FUCK down.

Dammit.

I was reading headlines on CNN when I read "Six bodies found in Florida home." I thought, "that looks interesting." Then as I read through the article my heart started to beat very fast. I seriously thought that... yeah. Fuck. I mean- grrr. lol Wow. I can't believe myself sometimes. I don't even know how his HOUSE looks likes or who or HOW many live with him (except for Tabby and her dog).

I worry too fucking much.

In other news:

He's dead and also him.

They're stupid.

Uh. Too many fucking die everyday. I'm always paranoid about that.

About American Dad

Okay, I just saw the pilot episode for it and all I can say is that it actually made me laugh. It's not as great as Family Guy (for obvious reasons), but I do think it has good potential. Not great, but good. It's just too... I dunno.

Short description on the Smith characters:

Stan (Dad): Paranoid father that works for the CIA.
Francine (Mom): Ditzy blonde. Pretty bland.
Steve (Son): Your typical pussy nerd.
Hayley (Daughter): Disgruntled liberal.
Klaus (Fish): Horny pet that talks. Seems to be in love with Francine.
Roger (Alien): Sassy and sarcastic, but seems very whiny at times. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be gay.

The fish and alien threw me off at first, but they're cool. Again, it's a pilot. I mean... look at the South Park pilot. I'll be watching for American Dad after the Super Bowl.

It'll be funny to look back on this.

Stan: Hey, hey, hey! Did somebody order a brand new dog?
Steve: Aw sweet, Dad! You're the best!
Steve: What the hell is that??
Stan: It's a dog!
*Dog looks very old. It's shedding and shaking*
Roger: Oh my God.
Steve: He can bearly stand up!
Stan: Well of course! He's 19!

---

Real Life Comics' book is out today.

Short FG news.

A new set of action figures. (I want them all. Especially S&M Peter)

Lois: The safety word is "banana."
Peter: *zip* I love you. *zip*
Lois: *hit!*
Peter: *knocked out*

FG CD

Fox is bringing back FG. I read about this back in June, but there was no specific date.

08-02-2004
Family Guy will be returning to FOX for a mini marathon on Aug 18 and 25 from 8 - 10 pm. Seth McFarlane will pick the eight episodes to air on these times. Read all about it here! Thanks to ramprevs! - Shane

Possible FG DVD movie.

Oh and this:



Lots of links.

Oh. This has me confused:

How about the obvious reference to FREDDIE MERCURY from QUEEN at the very end of the episode, where Peter raises his hand in victory and his image then changes to a silhouette, just like Freddie (album/CD: MADE IN HEAVEN: 1995).

If you remember this episode, isn't that ending a reference to the ending of The Breakfast Club? Both? I mean it could be both, but wouldn't it lean more towards TBC? I say this only because there's another reference to TBC in the middle of the show and the episode was school related anyway. I dunno.

In the BREAKFAST CLUB spoof, Tony the Tiger is portraying the role of Bender, in which Tony says "It was a banner freakin year at the Tiger house, I got a carton of cigarettes, my old man grabbed and said hey, smoke up Tony!" This was the conversation that Bender had with the students in the film.

O