Fuck you, guys.

My vagina has been hurting ALL DAY. It feels like someone is trying to pry open my pussy with the 'jaws of life'. Seriously. You girls know what I'm talking about.

Check out Varla. Just because.

I've been getting little weird numbing/pulsating pains in the back of my head (bottom/right). Heh. Pains? Is that even right? Doubt it.

I was "supposed" to come in dressed up today for work. "Hey, where's your costume?" Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? You SAID SUNDAY! Not Friday. I wasn't even aware of- Whatever. I'm tired.

YES! YES!

God, this feels good. So, I was watching TV and I saw Kelly Osbourne's hair. She has the front bottom part shaved and that reminded me of myself when I was younger and DAAAAAMMIT. I thought about it for maybe 2 minutes before I got up and did it. Of course, I only could cut it, not shave.



My hands were shaking, too. I love cutting my hair. Love. I want to cut some more, too. MORE.

Edit: I CUT MORE. Two more hair braids like the ones you see above. Although, you can't tell I did cut my hair.



I have no make up on. :O

December 16 or 17.

One of those two days will be the beginning of something that should be filed under "ONCE IN A LIFETIME." Sort of.

A few months ago, after David got his green card, that same day he and Mom made plans to visit Mexico for Christmas. Two weeks. Anyway, I've forgotten all about that until this Sunday when David mentioned it again. "I can't wait to get the hell out of here for two weeks and leave everything behind."

"Where are you going?"
"Mexico."
"Ohhhhhhhh, right. How long are you staying?"
"Two weeks."

So, I started remembering everything and that's when it hit me: I GET TO BE ALONE FOR TWO WEEKS. Two weeks. Two weeks. Dos semanas. Mmm. Sure, I won't have diddly to do, but ALONE. Damn. Then, I thought about Sin. She doesn't live with her mother anymore, so that means that she can come over and stay if she likes. Then again, she does work and goes to school, so it's doubtful. Especially since she's spends the holidays with her guy. So, I'd still be alone anyway. Then I thought about Kolin and how awesome it would be if he could come visit me during MY vacation. I wouldn't spend Christmas alone. :D Maybe.

So, after work I gave him a call and I told him about the news and he tells me that the company he works for talked about shutting it down for two weeks in December (I think that's what he said... I couldn't grasp how perfect that would be). So, if that does happen... glee.

I have to tell my parents, though. Jesus. They'll probably say NO WAY, but they'll be gone. Anyway, I can tell them that Sin would be with me. Whether that will be true or not all depends on Sin's schedule.

Eww. I threw up.

Anyway, I'm hoping things go well and fall in perfectly, but if it doesn't happen, I will still get to see him in 2005. :)

Christ Chex.

I'm strangely hungry.

Um, Julian left a while ago. Mmhmm. He came to DL some songs and print some crap. Of course. That's all he comes for. Oh well. I got him back by talking his ASS off. I wouldn't fucking stop. That's what he gets. We talked about our cell phones for a while and I told him that I had called Kolin this weekend and he just... blah. Like it fucking matters, anyway. Goddamnit, I want to be able to TALK to my brother about the person that I love, but nooo. He's allowed to talk about the girl he's not even with, but me? No. Not without getting that stupid serious face that he makes. That "I don't want to hear it, but I'll let you speak while I ignore you" look.

Hmmm. Tired. Hungry. He lent me the new Green Day CD. He wanted me to try it out. It's... eh. What I REALLY wanted was my old Staind CD back. I missed it. I gave him all my Staind and System of a Down CDs. And some other shits. I dunno. Whatever.

Dumbass.

David came home at 2 AM.
Again.
Is this the third time this week?
I dunno, but I knew it was going to go down.
I laid still in my bed looking up at nothing.
Silence.
He goes to bed.
She gets up.
Storms.
Slams the door.
Slams the second door.
Cries in the living room.
I press the only security I have against my head.
I can still hear him get up.
I hear him talk.
I hear her scream and cry.
I hear him explain.
Sigh.
I get up and get my earphones.
I blast my music.
I close my eyes.
Peace.

Morons.

Egg shells are still breaking.

Fred Jones was worn down...
From caring for his often...
Screaming and crying wife...
During the day but...
He couldn't sleep at night for fear that she...
In a stupor from the drugs that didn't even...
Ease the pain would set the house on blaze...
With a cigarette.

Hmm. I know I wanted to write something. I forgot. I heard Mother crying last night. Well, it was around 2 AM. My mother's crying is one of the most horrible and annoying sounds in the world. I just hate it when she cries. I fucking HATE it. I can't fucking stand it. Even thinking about it makes me want to kill something. Hearing her cry can make anyone feel guilty. It made me feel it last night. "Yeah. I bet it was me." All I could do is press my pillows tightly against my head. Yesterday, I came out of my room and she was ironing in the living room, looked over and asked me where the phone was. After I was done with what I had to do first I put the phone back and she talked to me. It was only a short sentence, but she talked. I quickly walked out of the room with a big fucking smile on my face. It made me want to cry.

I've been wanting to prepare for the worst. These last couple weeks I've been thinking of getting my shit together. Going through everything and throwing away half of it. I know she's going to crack. Whether she leaves us again or kills herself, it's going to happen. I know it. If not, good for her.

As I was walking in the rain today, I thought to myself and found the fact that three out of four people that live in this house are addicted to drugs is somewhat funny. I saw a little boy playing in the gutter today. That was relaxing to witness.

101 days left. 101.

eMotive has leaked.

Thank Goshness for the Thirteenth Step forums. I plan on DLing the CD, listen to it, and determine whether I should buy it or not.

First song I DLed seems mellow and alright (vocals only), but I am not hooked yet.

How can he SAY that?

When my father called me at work last month and sounded worried about my brother, I immediately knew something was wrong. I called my brother after and he denied the fact that he had gone to a hospital because he had stopped breathing.

So, he calls me today to catch up with any news and he mentions a bill. His hospital bill. "Your hospital bill?" I asked.

"..."
"Is it YOUR hospital bill?"
"Yeah. Didn't you know?"

And that's when he told me that it WAS true that he had gone to the hospital. He was very surprised that I didn't know. Very. I told him that I had ASKED him if he had gone and he told me no. That my uncle was full of it. So, he lied to me. That hurt. What hurts more was that he talks about it like it's not a big deal. He said he didn't want me to worry about him. DID HE NOT HEAR MY VOICE CRACKING WHEN I WAS TALKING TO HIM!?! Then I said to him, "Well, if I had known that you did go to the hospital I would NEVER have bought you that beer last time I did."

"WHAT?! WHY!"
"Because-"
"It's not because I was drinking. It had NOTHING to do with that."
"Then what happened?"
"It has nothing to do with me drinking."
"THEN what HAPPENED? Tell me."

And he refused to tell me. I fucking hate him for that. I know he's going to ask me to buy him beer again and when he does... I am going to fucking shoot him down. If he never wants to speak to me again... oh fucking well. I rather have him alive. I just, I can't believe he doesn't want to be straight with me. I never hid anything from him (anything that he needed to know). I sorta feel betrayed. Like I'm not good enough to help. He's hurt me a lot this year.

You know...

That new Gwen song really... I'm confused by it. I don't like it, I know it's crap, yet... I listen to it. I hope she comes up with good stuff. She rocks, but her solo project- Eesh.

Anyway, I was supposed to see the Dean at Mari's school yesterday morning, but I didn't care to wake up early, so I went after school that day to catch up with him. He wasn't around. Eh. SO, I woke up at 6 AM today so I could see him before 7:30. I went in his office and I waited for a few moments before he came up to me. He thought I was a student. That always happens. He only wanted me there so he could talk to me about their "two-fights-only" policy. The next fight Mari gets in she could be expelled from school. Yeah. And that was it. Five minutes in there. As I left his office I asked myself, "I got up early for THIS??" Eh.

It wasn't bad, though. The morning glow that I haven't seen in ages made it all worth it.

What'cha waiting- what'cha waiting- what'cha waiting fooooor... Oh, Gwen.

I got a shirt today!

THANKS KOLIN. I LOVE YOU. I love the shirt, too.



I know you can't read what it says so... I did the reading for you.

The funniest thing about this shirt is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything it's too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck

David was the one who showed me the shirt.

"Hey, Cristal. I think I opened up your mail. I thought it was something for me, so I opened it without reading the package."

"Ohhhhhhh. Thanks."

"Read it."

"Yeah, I know what it says." I recognized it as soon as I saw the print.

Thanks again!

Just wanted to.

Dammit. I shouldn't have taken that two(?)-hour nap. My headache is still with me and I feel strange. I need air.

10:30: My computer's been acting very fucked up. All these IE pop ups. I spend more time cleaning it out than putting anything in it. I hate you, Bill Gates. I hate you.

10:35: I like mysteries. Especially the ones that are solved.

10:38: Major boredom singing, "Whatever, whenever... Amen."

10:44: "LEAVE HER ALONE!" Said the retarded teenager says to the judge.

10:59: Restless. Please help me find that one thing I need to help others and if I have it... open my fucking eyes.

11:08: Hmm. Reorganizing my buddy list didn't seem as fun as I thought it was going to be. I'm thinking of dumping DeadAIM and just DL the latest version of AIM. :l

11:14: I don't think I can do this. Shhh.

11:16: Taking Ny. I want to sleep. I can't stand being awake like this.

11:19: Have you guys seen Desperate Wives? You should. It seems that once you become one you're officially a fucking psycho.

11:23: I dunno.

11:28: I think I should Google myself. I'm that paranoid.

11:33: HAA. Look at this. This is great. Scroll all the way down. I am #15.

11:44: Eh.

11:50: There's this weird cut on my wrist. Top part. Um... I think it's my bracelets.

11:59: I actually like being a hostess.

12:00: BED TIME. I think. Maybe. Eh.

I love the sound of rain. Love it.

Today wasn't that bad. I spent my day at work. With my sister. She helped me out here and there. It was good since I had to help the guys get everything together for tonight's party. For the most part of the day... it was BORING. Booooooooooooring. Boring. I almost fainted there, too. I was talking to Adrian, the busboy, and for a second there I had to stop talking and stand still because I felt like everything around me went a step forward without me. I waited two more hours before I ate something. God, that shit stayed in me allllll day. I couldn't eat my whole meal, either. I tried one last bite and I had to throw it back out. I just couldn't fucking do it.

It was breeeeeeak time. I got an hour before I started the second shift. I sat in my usual spot in the bar. And like every weekend Martin, the bartender, asked me the saaaaaame damn questions. "Do you know how to drive yet? Why don't you like to go out?" Jesus H. CHRIST. Shut up. This time, though... he kept at it. He asked me for my age (for the millionth time) and when I told him he tells ME, "Oh, you're still young." Then goes on about how he wanted to be with, but he couldn't... I don't know. I wasn't paying too much attention to him. He treats me like I am some rare beauty and as flattering as that is... I don't want his attention. He got carried away later that night by rubbing his head on my shoulder. What. The. Fuck. He is not my fucking bitch. No one touches me that way. Only Kolin has permission. No one. No man. Fuck off.

HOLY SHIT It's raining! ABOUT damn time too!

Anyway, I just stepped back and told him to stop it. He didn't get the fact that I was put off by what he did. Sigh.

So, the party turned out to be a wedding reception. It was alright. The only thing that pissed me off were the bride and groom. Man, they were pissy bitches. Other than that... it was alright. Their music? A DJ. And the DJ's music? I dubbed it "Pop Culture Hell." But what's sad is that I knew every song they played. Every song. Anyway, the Village People's Y.M.C.A. came up and I could NOT resist the urge to "dance." And I did. Sorta. Heh. My kind of "dancing" is pretty much soft headbanding. Mmhmm. I did that while Marisol actually DANCED. She got me in the mood, so I started dancing along with her. We spelled out Y.M.C.A. along with the song while shaking our big asses. Dorkiness? Oh yes. Even some of the people from the party noticed us and laughed. Just a couple. Not to make a big deal about it. This one older male looked at me like o_O as he passed by the front desk. "Whoa there." Whatever. I had fuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Dancing with Marisol was great. My favorite bit of that party was when they played FOUR Norah Jones songs. I sang along to all of them. They played two of my favorites, too.

And tomorrow? We have another party. A party of fifty that starts at 10 AM. That's the time we open. It's gonna be buuusy. Oh well. "YYYY-M-C-A... it's fun to stay at the... YYYY-M-C-AA-AAA."

Bored. BORED-Bored. Booooored.

I found this site. I played with all the name generators.

Your Boobies' Names Are: Silk and Satin

Get your own Boobie Names

Right.

Your Porn Star Name is: Cumisha Jones

Get your own Porn Star Name

Cumi- HAHAHAHA.

Your Girl Parts Are Named: The Flaming Lips

Get your own Sex Name

Like the band?

It's Not Sex. It's ... : Having a Bit of Sugar Stick

Get your own Sex Name

I don't want to know.

Your Stripper Name is: Peaches

Get your own Stripper Name

Awww. Not bad.

Your Hippie Chick Name is: Mystery

Get your own Hippie Chick Name

Stupid.

Your Star Wars Masturbation Method Is: Grooming the Wookie

Get your own Star Wars Masturbation Method

Baaahahahahaha.

Your Drag Queen Name is: Bera Breast

Get your own Drag Queen Name

Hot. And last...

You Know You're From California When...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bullet-proof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

All highways into the state say: "no fruits."

All highways out of the state say: "Go back."

The Terminator is your governor

You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH"

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from California.

Some of these are sadly true. :l Check out your state.

There's one that I've posted before, but it has different stuff on it. Makes more sense. You Know You're Mexican When...

It's not over yet.

I neglected to write about the "disappearance" of my birds. And my sister's birds.

Yeah. It's Mother's doing, for sure. My sister woke up yesterday and she came up to me asking about the birds. "What? Aren't they outside?" I asked. "Noo. They aren't anywhere," she said. And I knew then. "Oh, then Mom probably gave them away." Yeeeeah. I gave my usual OH WELL and told my sister NOT to mention them ever again. That's what Mother wants. She looks for shit that she believes will hurt us and takes it away. It's her ludicrous way of getting back at us for whatever. I know if my room weren't locked, she'd come in here and take away my computer. Although it's not even hers, she'll break this. She knows it's practically my life.

I spent the day at Dad's, too. I told him about the birds and he was upset. He would have taken them in. I knew I shouldn't have said a thing, though, because that bit of news gave way for more, "If your Mother hadn't left me..." talks. Which never end. I just do what I always do and block it all out.

I got to talk to my brother too. He's been over in Arizona for the past two weeks. He's only kept in contact with me and that's only twice. Why he went over there is beyond me, but he's finding out how hard it is to get a job and fend for himself. It sucks, I'm sure. Oh well. I am headed that way soon. Only difference is that I get to prepare.

Got her the wings.

Not the ones she wanted. She "changed" her mind. These are pretty cool, though. I had to try them on myself.

Aww... she's all grown up.

I had a strange dream this morning and it ended with a telephone ringing. I woke up and the phone was ringing. Don't you hate that? I was still half asleep and I didn't want to get up, so I let it ring.

I didn't get out of bed until 11:30. I stood in front of the telephone in the living room and it rang. I thought, "How convenient." So, it was some lady from school and I thought, "Ohh booy."

"Are the parents of Maria Bernal home?"
"No, actually, they are both working."
"Oh, who am I speaking with?"
"I am her sister."
"Oh, good. Maria has been suspended from school for three days for fighting."
"Okay."
"How old are you?"
"21."
"Okay, good. I need someone who can give her permission to walk home. Or would you like to pick her up?"
"Oh, no. She can walk home. It's a few minutes away."
"Alright, thank you."

So, I sit in the living room and I wait for Maria to get home. Fifteen minutes later, I see her walk in and she just rolls her eyes.

"Soo.."
"Dammit, stup-"
"Sit down."
"Man, it was-"
"Sit down and tell me what happened."

So, she proceeds to tell me what happened. Her gym teacher has has a habit of calling the girls who leave earlier from gym class to change "cows." "Alright, who's the cow here?" Anyway, when he went up to the girl she started to defend herself and even called on the guys. "Why are you calling us cows? What about them? They're cows too." My sister got in the conversation and being the smartass that she is (thanks to me) she told that chick, "They aren't cows. They're bulls." I found that hilarious, but that girl didn't. She went up to my sister and wanted to start shit, but because my sister is level-headed and mature, she backed off. After that, my sister does her thing in the locker rooms and starts looking for her friend from where she's standing. That friend happens to be right next to that chick who wanted to start shit with Mari. So, of course that chick comes up to my sister AGAIN asking her why she was looking at her. My sister, again, told her that she has NO problem with her and wanted to leave it that way. My sister turned around, and because this seems like a cheap shot, she started to TRY and beat on my sister. My sister turned around and tried to get her off herself. Mari's friend, Ashley tried to help too. That chick didn't like that, so she started to "beat" on Ashley. My sister got up and tried to help her friend before the security came by to separate the girls.

You know what I like about this? That my sister came out of that with a cat scratch and that chick who started it all came out with a bruised mouth. Mmhmm. My sister is not a liar, she doesn't like to fight all, and I believed everything that she told me. She's just like me. Only little difference between me and her is that if you try to fuck with her... she's going to fuck with you.

I'm very proud of how she handled it. I just told, "Watch your mouth, though. Most people can't handle it."

I WANT THEM ALL.

I finnaaaaaaallly found the pair of Chucks that I've been looking for for weeks. Um, yeah. But Erika tells me that they have those in black, grey, and white, though. :l I want those now.

Anyway, Grandma's gone. I didn't even know. She never said goodbye. First time in... ever. I took my sister to the dollar store to get her a candle. I bought some stripped-toed socks and a scarf. Hmm.

Yeah.

They're turning.

My aunt came to visit Grandma an hour ago. I didn't greet her since Mother was talking to her. I've been avoiding Mom since she gave me that ultimatum. Only been screamed at a few times. Heh. Thats how she talks at times. Anyway, I stayed in my room and talked to one of my cousins.

I was working on something in Illustrator when I overheard my mother talking shit about me. I stopped what I was doing, asked my sister if she was talking shit about me, and she left my room to investigate. "Yeah. She is."

"What did she say?"
"That you only work three hours."
"Heh."

Yeah. She loves talking shit about people. She mostly told my aunt about what happened two Sundays ago. I tried not to cry in front of my sister and cousin. Yeah. It hurt. I played it off like it didn't bother me, though.

I have a feeling she's trying to turn everyone against me. My grandmother doesn't even talk to me anymore. My aunt didn't even stop by my room to say hello like she had for the past seven years. I dunno. Oh well.

Oh DAMMIT.

Okay, I posted TWICE about how I am feeling right now, but it made my internet crash TWICE, so to sum it up.

I LOVE you, Kolin.

How did SHE know?

I am Oxie Moron: Dammit, Colette.
ConstantConverse: hhm?
ConstantConverse: what?
I am Oxie Moron: I LOOOVE this guy.
I am Oxie Moron: Sorry.
I am Oxie Moron: lol
ConstantConverse: Kolin?
I am Oxie Moron: Yeah.
ConstantConverse: heh
ConstantConverse: horny?
I am Oxie Moron: lol Yes.
ConstantConverse: heh
ConstantConverse: yeah
ConstantConverse: sorry girl
I am Oxie Moron: Yeeah. Oh well.

I wouldn't have asked that if I were in your place. Sheesh. :) You rock.

I got to talk to Kolin this afternoon. I loved every minute of it. He took all of me during those two hours. After it was all over I couldn't even get up and when I MANAGED to... I couldn't walk properly. My legs were incredibly weak.

I love you.

In knots.

That's how my stomach is. I dunno. I can't sleep. I have too much on my mind.

All day I've been "beside myself." I was so fucking hyper at work today. I was everywhere. I couldn't remember what was the last thing I did minutes after I did it. I did well, though. I worked hard and had fun. Hard to believe. It was mostly with the customers. They're always trying to outsmart me. Nooo chance. You play with me, I will play with you back. Sorry. You lose.

My whole body hurts and I still have yet to find out what I did to make it feel this way. I know what I'm doing is bad. Very bad. I know I'm depressed, but I'm hiding it with a lot of "AHAHAHAHAHA." It's... bullshit. I'm worried about so much.

Mostly about meeting Kolin.

I'm starting to doubt that our meeting will work. Ever since Mother gave me that ultimatum, I've been thinking about what could happen. See, I had it planned. When the time came for Kolin to come over and visit me, I'd be living here. I'd have a part time job and I'd be talking to Mom. It would have worked well. I'd have a whole week to spend with Kolin. No interruptions.

Sigh. I've been stalling, but now that I will have to get a better job... how am I going to spend time with him? It's not fair for him to come all the way down here from the other side of this country only to be with me half of the time for a week. Did that make sense? No. Anyway. What would happen if I DO move? Where would Kolin stay? See, if I were to stay here, he could either sleep in my room or in my grandmother's room. Heh. Sleep. Yeah. If I move, I am more than likely to move in with my father and well... he's not too keen about Kolin. He's a dad. What can you do. My father tends to be skeptical about stuff. Especially when it comes to me and having a boyfriend that lives in Florida. "Don't get too attached," he says. Too late.

I hope this doubt goes away, though. It should. "Where there's a will, there's a way." Right? I'm sure we'll work it out. But again. anything can happen within four months.

Eh.

Daddy! :)

That's what I see when my father calls.

I just got done talking to him. It a very dead conversation on my part. My voice was mono throughout the whole time. He did most of the talking. I just responded with "Yeeah." I guess he sensed that I wasn't all that great because he started talking about his ideas again.

I can buy a home and you and Mari can come and live with me. I know you love the area, but you can't go on living like that. You deserve to be happy. How can I mother treat her daughter that way?

I thought, "You have no idea." I didn't tell him about what Mother told me yesterday. I couldn't tell him over the phone. I want to tell him in person. He invited me to go out with him tomorrow, but I have work. I could have talked to him then. A part of me wants to avoid it, though. I feel if I open my mouth something worse will happen.

Oh well.

Gawd.

*buuurp* Mmm.

I spent all day in my room and I didn't get to eat until just now. I ate a banana, a piece of bread, a cupcake, a sammich, a little piece of chicken, and a juice box. Okay, I drank what was IN my juice box.

Damn. I forgot how much energy it takes to swallow food. My stomach still hurts and I feel as if I took a two-hour walk. Not good.

Save yourself.

I love that line. It's a good song. Helps me out when I am alone.

Had a relapse.

If you want to call it that.

After what happened yesterday my mother has been treating my sister and I the same way she treats David when she's mad at him. She ignored us. Although, I don't mind when she does, I knew it was bad news. She was going to drop a bomb on me at any time because I got "smart" with her yesterday. And she did.

I can already hear her footsteps all over the house. I hate them. They make me tense. As I was doing the dishes she came into the kitchen and dropped that bomb.

I am giving you a month to look for another job and you're paying rent or you're out of here.

Ouch. I just continued to wash the dishes. "Let's see if your attitude goes away then." And of course, "Your grandmother is coming by tomorrow and I don't want your fucking attitude when it comes to greeting these people." Yeah. So, I have to fake it 100% tomorrow.

That's what I get for sticking up for my sister. I mean, yeah. I'm 21. I should grow up. I should have just stayed quiet yesterday.

After I washed the dishes, I went into my room. I tried to finish cleaning my room. There were times where I was on the edge of breaking down, but I would grab my face and wipe my tears away. It was hard. My hands were shaking. I was shaking. I tried. I grabbed a hold of my "tool" box. I took out every sharp object I had. I sat there for a while. I drank some NyQuil. I sat down some more. I took another sip. I started to cut. After a year, it all went away. One after another. I couldn't stop. But it calmed me down. Seeing the blood made me stop shaking. The bad feelings went away and I stopped wanting to cry. I let it run for a while before I cleaned up the mess. I got a hold of my old black sock and wrapped it around my wrist. Just like old times. For the rest of the night I watched TV with Behr.

The pain is still with me.

Ah fuck.

Too much Ny. I can't stay up.

Where is my mind?

Heh. Good song. I miss it.

"I can't believe you."

That's the only thing I could say to her after what she told my sister.

I was alone at home for a couple of hours. I didn't want to eat with the family, so I stayed behind. I needed to run an errand, anyway. I was about to leave home when I saw the van pull up. Dammit. I didn't want to be seen so I went out the back door, but that didn't do me any good. My sister went after me telling me that they were going to Party America. I asked her why for since she wanted to go to Party City. It took a while, but I got the directions for PC and we all headed out there. My mom had already gotten on my nerves before we even left.

It was fine at Party City. My sister and I went looking for these black and red angel wings that she wanted. She was uber excited when she found them. They looked great. They were 22 bucks. I didn't think the price was THAT bad for those wings. I thought it was perfect. My sister went looking for the 'rents. A few seconds later, I found them and I showed Mother the wings Mari wanted. She looked at the price and that's when the shit hit the fan.

"No, those are too expensive." I tried to reason with her. My sister pleaded her ass off. Nothing got through her. Oh, but she was willing to get her some eight-dollar wings. She's not 5 anymore, Mom. Wake up. I saw my sister's face and... shit. I went over to this other section where Mari found some cat ears. I made her try one everyone one of them before deciding on a pair. I saw my sister's face again and I assured her that I would get her those wings. No matter what. I told her that I would as soon as I got my paycheck. While I was doing that, Mother came close and asked us where the Halloween decorations where. Blah, blah,blah...

Mom: Where are they? That's why we are here for.
Me: No, we came here to see the wings.
Mom: No, SHE wanted to come here for decorations.
Sis: I wanted to see the wings, too.
Mom: Well, I can't pay for those right now.
Sis: ...
Mom: If I buy you those wings, I am not going to buy you the decorations for the house. So, choose.
Sis: ...
Me: That bitch. I can't believe you.
Mom: WELL, Why don't YOU buy them with your own money, huh? Let's see you buy them.
Me: Don't worry, I will.
Mom: Let's go then.

Bitch. I didn't move. I was there to buy some cat ears. I continued to try them on again before going up front. Mother saw us again and told us that we were leaving. I ignored her. She had this horrible faceless expression on her. Gave me chills. I stayed calm for my sister, though. God, it hurt me so much to see her that way. I held it together pretty damn good, though. I took my fucking sweetass time. When Mari and I left the store, I told her, "Don't worry. She's just being a bitch." I didn't say one word to that bitch. I couldn't even look at her.

The ride back home was very quiet and again, I tried to stay calm. I wanted to cry so badly, but I couldn't. I couldn't let my sister or HER see me like that. I caught myself staring at the back of her head. I yelled at her in silence.

You fucking bitch. I can't fucking believe you. Did you know that YOUR 14-year-old daughter wants a JOB?! DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUR 14-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER IS WORRIED ABOUT MONEY!? SHE can't fucking ENJOY her young life because she is always worried about money. No 14-year-old should ever have to worry about shit like that. All you had to say was, 'I can't get them for you right now, but I'll try my best to get them for you." That's all. You didn't have to make her feel like a worthless piece of shit. I hope you can fucking hear her crying right now, you bitch. I hope you can hear her pain. I hope you have fucking feel her pain. I hope you can fucking feel her pain. I hope you can fucking feel her pain...

I want to kill you. I want to kill you. I want to kill you so badly. I want to put you in front of a mirror, skin you slowly, and make you watch yourself scream. I want to make you feel everything you've made us feel all of our lives. But I can't. I can't kill you because I love you.

There were times when I had to stop looking at her because I felt the urge to strangle her in the car. As soon as I got inside my room, I broke down. I couldn't hold it all in. I pleaded with God to give me strength. I wanted to slash my wrists. I pleaded so much...

I made it through, though.

Feels good. Sort of.

So, it took me a while, but I did "confront" my boss about my money at work today. I really didn't want to because it was embarrassing (more so on his part), but Erika told me, "The sooner the better." So, as she said that my boss stood next to me, I turned around, I took out the letter the bank sent me, I slammed the letter on top of the front desk, and said, "I need to talk to you about something." I stared at him. He looked at the letter and laughed. "More discreet." That's what he told me. I replied, "Well?" And then he quickly said that he'd give me my money and left.

I didn't think what I did was a big deal, until Erika told me her point of view of what she saw. She was surprised at what I did. Whatever. It felt good after a while. Then bad. Then good again. My boss ignored me after that. He didn't come back to talk to me until it was almost time for me to leave. He explained what had happened and told me that the bank had made a mistake. Yeah. He's going to pay me back. That's what he told me and I WILL MAKE SURE HE DOES. I'm not the only one this has been happening to. Everyone's checks have BEEN bouncing all over the fucking walls. Nice way to fuck up our credit, Boss. -_-

Anyway, Julian called me an hour ago asking what I was doing. He asked for a favor. Little Brother needed alcohol and wanted Big Sister to buy it for him. I was reluctant at first, but I agreed. I felt bad about it afterwards. I knew his friends were with him. So, I was very fucking blunt and honest when I got in the car with him. I never have cared about what his friends thought of me and I am not about to care now. "I shouldn't be doing this."

Julian: I know, but you love me.
Me: Hmmph.

I started giving him the third degree. He was about to defend himself, but he kept quiet. I was even more pissed off when I saw another car following them.

Me: Who the fuck are they?
Julian: Oh, that's Victor's girlfriend, and-
Me: Oh.

We went to the closest Rite Aid, but that was closed so we went to the second closest. Before I got out, I told the guys that I didn't want all of them to come with me. It'll be too suspicious. Although *I* can buy the alcohol, THEY can't drink it yet. I just went right in. I wasn't pleased at what I was about to do. My brother called after me half way into the store. We went all the way in the back and I asked him to give me the money and what he wanted. It wasn't that heavy, but he didn't want me to carry the cases so he got me a cart. Then he asked me what I wanted and I said nothing so he asked me to get something for Mari. I got her her favorite snack. Pringles. Whatever. I went up front, bought the shit, and left.

On our way back to my home someone ripped one and I didn't say anything because it's quite embarrassing. My brother started to sniff around and when he realized what the smell was, he made a big deal about it to one of his friends.

Julian: Man, buey. I TOLD you not to eat that fucking burrito.
Friend: What, man?! I didn't do it.
Julian: Yeah, yeah. Right.

They went back and forward. I couldn't help but laugh.

What a way to start October.

I just got another letter from my bank and I was expecting to get my last check back, but nope. I got the same fucking check that was returned to me last week from two or three weeks ago. What the fuck is my boss doing?

The following check was negotiated through (my bank) and returned unpaid by the maker's bank.

I am missing $159.59 somewhere. Sigh.

We have debited 168.03 from your Savings account to cover the amount of the returned item.

Poo. I gotta talk to David about this. Hopefully, he'll talk to the other owners about what's happening. I wish I could, but I'd fuck it up somehow. I wouldn't know where to begin. That's only because my brain cannot grasp what is happening.

I'll get him.