Current Conditions for Ontario, CA (*****)

48°F - Fair

Feels Like 40°F

UV Index: 0 Low
Dew Point: 8°F
Humidity: 20%
Visibility: 10.0 miles
Pressure: 30.17 inches and rising
Wind: From the East Northeast at 24 gusting to 39 mph

FEELS like 40?

C-C-Cooold.

I got back about an hour ago. I helped Brenda decorate her party along with Karla, Brenda's mom, and her two girls. I really didn't want to stay for the party. I wasn't in the mood. I was convinced to stay in the end, though. I had planned to stay for an hour before Karla bought me a drink. Blue Electric Long Island Iced Tea. By the end of that drink Karla couldn't even fucking say the name of what she was drinking.

Karla: What is this again, Cristal? Long... tea?
Me: Ummmm... I think it's Blue Electric Long Is-
Karla: OH YEAH! Blue Electronic Iced Tea.

Heh. I had another drink (Sex on the Beach) before giving up on the drinking. I can't drink as much as I used to. Good. During the party, Sarah came by and sat down with us for a while. She looked tiiiired. She said she was tired from driving all day. Heh. Karla turns to me and says, "Driving. Right." Meaning she was smoking out. She was right.

We all sat there staring at Sarah before she looks at all of us and says, "I should stop smoking pot." I mostly hung around with Karla and Marisol. I was tired all morning, too, so I called David to pick me up. Thanked Karla and Brenda and said goodbye to Marisol.

DAMN, it's cold. Fuck.

---

The tension is rising
The urge is arriving
The need to kill
Is taking over
Again.

It's unnerving
Repulsing
Consuming
Controlling
The way you
Make me want to hurt
Again.

It's unnerving.

---

I forgot I was invited to this party after work at work. I get off at 2:30 and it starts at 4. I get to decorate. Yey.

Stuck here.

Everyone that was over at my aunt's yesterday is coming here today. In an hour or so. I didn't mind because I knew I had work at 5, but that hope was short lived when David told me that my boss had called and told him to tell ME to take the day off. He never lets me know.

Everyone is going out tonight, too. To The Place. My mother asked me if I wanted to go and I told her no thanks. She didn't know that I had gone two weeks ago. That shit is not my thing. All there is to do is dance and drink. I don't feel like drinking. I feel like sleeping.

Where's Charlie Brown when you need him?

I really didn't want to be around anyone today. I went to bed late and woke up rather early. All morning I was useless. I sort of lost it when everyone was expecting me to be there. Don't know why, but it pisses me off at times. "GOD, I don't want to go, okay? I just don't. I don't always want to do what everyone else does." I didn't say anything, though. I hoped the family would figure that if I wasn't dressed, I wasn't going.

After everyone left home, I started to get ready to go out. I knew that Julian or my aunt would call me and try to convince me to go. As soon as I got out of the shower, Julian called me. He asked me why I didn't want to come over and I explained it to him. I just wasn't feeling all that great. I was anxious and I didn't want to be around anyone. I told him that I would call him if I changed my mind. So, I finished getting ready and went out the door. I had to get some fresh air. My hands were trembling. Not soon after my aunt called me to ask me why I wasn't there. I assured her that I was going to go. I just needed some time alone. I sat down in front of the school's and city's auditorium. I sat there for 30 minutes before I went back home to relax. I was falling asleep on my way there. As soon as I come around my corner street I see Mother's car. I got very nervous. I stopped for a second, but I decided to go ahead and just keep walking. Walk until I was safe in my room. That's what I did. Mom just asked me if I had gone for a walk. After a short reply, I went in my room and I laid on my bed for a long while. My heart was beating so hard, so fast... I don't know.

Julian calls again and I get ready to leave. He and Victor picked me up. Eh. Whatever. I didn't do much at my aunt's home. I mostly hung around with Tiny, the hamster, and Nathan, my little cousin. I didn't even drink much. 1.2 bottles of Smirnoff. My aunt wanted to get very wasted tonight. That didn't sound all that great to me. One of the few things that I liked was being around my uncle, Carlos. I always feel so great around him. Never nervous, never anything. Just pure comfort. I don't have anyone like that over there. I give him hugs and kisses as if it were a mere handshake. It just feels right. I guess it's because he's very big and tall. I love that. I love resting my head on his belly. I sat on his leg today. I never do that. Ever. Not sure when was the last time I did. Maybe 5? I made sure he wasn't in pain because I'm heavy, but he said he was fine. He even wanted to pick me up in his arms. Like a baby. I quickly told him no. Heh. Don't want that.

I left the party early. I wanted to go back home and just rest. I got a call from my cousin, Lisa. I haven't talked to her in a couple of months. We talked about how meaningless the holidays are, how commercialized everything turns as you get older. Well, it's always been that way, you just start to notice it more. We always talk about stuff like that. It's so weird how we think exactly alike. We act as if we were twins. Both hermits, both bored. Only difference is she's religious and I'm not. Not a big difference, though. That doesn't matter to me. We also made plans to hang out and catch a flick. Hopefully this weekend or next week. She's going to New York in three weeks. Woo. We also talked about my favorite subject. Kolinova.

Well, it seems my brother is never going to shut up about Kolin. He asked me if he was still going to come over and visit me. I told him of course. He assumed that something had gone down and Kolin and I weren't together anymore.

"But I thought you said he got mad."
"Yeah. So?"

I just told him straight out. It's all on me. I don't care. I wonder if he'll ever drop it. Just leave me the fuck alone about it. Eh.

Try it.

Funny how one site can lead you to another.

Notice how specific parts of a sentence are in bold. SELL, SELL, SELL!

Watermelons smell good.

I finally got my movie today. The Passion of the Christ. Anyway. I've had people come up to me in the past. Asking for cigs, lighters, about the shit I carry with me. I've learned to deal with the stupid questions and comments, but today... Sheesh.

I had to get a couple of money orders while David went into the dollar store next door. I finished early, but because David had the keys, I went next door and waited outside for him. He was already in line so I knew I didn't have to wait too long. I was minding my own damn business when this old-looking slut with a red hat came up to me and started talking/asking questions.

"Why are you here?"
"Where are you going?"
"Why are you walking?"
"Where do you live?"
"Do you have a car?"

I just polietly answered her. I lied of course. Except for the fact that I had a car. She asked me for my address, I didn't give it to her. "You look like you should drive a truck."

Her: You should get a truck.
Me: Okay.
Her: I don't want to see you walking around here, fucker.
Me: Okaay.
Her: Get that truck and give it to me.
Me: Oh. Kay.

She just kept repeating herself. Calling me a CABRONA. What the fuck. Fucking bitch. She then gives me her address and leaves. After that I wait for David inSIDE the store. Not long after a man tells me that that lady was crazy and I just zoned out even more from there. I wasn't completely there when that all happened. I tend to shut down when I am threatened or I don't care to listen.

Gotta watch the movie now. How do you like the temporary Thanksgiving Oxie? It's cute.

---

I just had one of the freakiest dreams. Sad thing is, it isn't that much. I was in bed watching The Passion and I fell asleep during the credits. I was dreaming about sleeping in my room and it was somewhat like an OBE (out-of-body experience), but I was still inside my body instead of looking at myself more above. The only thing I remember from this dream is this realistic/huge (as in it exists) spider coming down towards my face. I was trying to wake myself up from the inside, but I wouldn't budge. I barely made it out of my bed, but I seemed that the spider got smaller and managed to get inside my hair where it tried to bury itself into my scalp. I woke up then with this weird sharp pain in the back of my head. Sorta like someone inserting a very hot needle into my scalp. And I layed in bed as if nothing happened, thinking about that dream when I got an image inside my head. I know I wasn't dreaming, but I really thought my left ear was bleeding and my bed was covered in a pool of blood. I denied it to myself at first, but after a few seconds I quickly got up to see if there was blood on my bed. Eh.

Easter eggs are cool.

What the fuck. My stomach's been bitching at me since yesterday. It growls and shoots pain for no aperrant reason. I keep thinking that I need to eat and when I do... I feel the same.

Fucking thing.

SNAP!

Sarah (the new waitress) and I are getting along pretty damn well. I like her tons. We have many of the same interests ('cept for the drug stuff). I've only been around her twice and both times we have talked about piercings and tattoos. We both LOVE pain. She has this cool snappy watch that stings really well when you snap it on yourself. Just BAM. She kept doing it a lot and after a while she lend it to me so I can have a go at it. It felt good. The metal part of the watch would hit me just right. I did it until my arm was very red. I still have little tiny marks on them.

We talked about Sadomasochism. Briefly. I've never talked to anyone about that stuff... in person. Everyone is always so weirded out, but she was cool with it.

Sarah: Man, it's cool how we can talk about this stuff.
Me: Oh yeah. I love the idea of getting scratched and cut. So does my boyfriend.
Sarah: Really? We should hang out sometime.
Both: ...
Sarah: Sorry. That came out wrong.
Me: *laughs* That's okay, I know what you meant.

She asked me to go shopping with her tomorrow, but no can do. Sadly. Aside from being poor, I work from 11:00-4PM and she works from 5PM until whenever. She even asked me if I wanted a ride home. I told her that I didn't know how to drive and she was willing to teach me. She's very nice.

Ah, well. Tired. Sleep.

Just for Colette: I forgot. While taking my walk this afternoon, I came across two spray-painted words on the sidewalk.

Fuck Bush.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I have that damn song stuck in my head. DAMN YOU MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! Why do I like it? I've been listening to it all day so I can get tired of it ASAP. Not working.

Dad called me about thirty minutes ago. I was already in bed watching Shorties Watchin' Shorties and before that, Drawn Together. I don't watch that show often, but when I do... it's fucking genius. It just IS. Did you guys see Charlie Brown in that dog chain and leather headgear? HOT. Man, I need to remember to watch this.

Anyway, Dad called and asked if I had talked to Julian and I just blew up. I ranted through the whole phone call. My dad threw in a little from Column A and a little from Column B (sorry, Grandpa Simpson). "Your brother is just trying to look out for you, he doesn't want you to get hurt, but what he did was wrong." He wanted to have a talk with Julian to ask him what was up, but I told him not to. He needs to cool the fuck down first. Otherwise, he'll just say nothing, let Dad say whatever he wants, and hang up.

I have to get up early tomorrow. Well, not really. Just hate being rushed. I have a few things planned. So far it's:

Get up.

Get ready.

Call work.

Ask for Ramiro.

HOPE he is there.

Ask him to hold my check.

Walk all the way to work.

Expect him to not be there.

Go to the mall.

To go Claire's and get that necklace I wanted.

Go back to restaurant.

Get my check.

Walk back home.

Go about my business.

I just hope I'll get done by 2. Restaurant opens at 11:30 AM. Eh. My boss was supposed to give me my check on Saturday. He had me do a lot of shit, so I didn't get to ask him. He didn't show up on Sunday at all. I forgot about my check until Wednesday so I asked David to get it for me since he was working that night. He forgot. Pleh. I thought he was going back again today. I was wrong. So, now I have to go tomorrow and deposit the check as fast as I can since I have two bills due on the 25th. I don't like to send the money out before the 20th. Oh well. Hmmm. OH! I forgot I had to redo the worker's list. With Marisol gone and Sarah in her place, it got very messy. Better do it now. Yeah.

I killed the plan and just took a 30-minute walk.

Fun with Mari.

I went into Grandma's toy bags and stole a cat and bear. I mutilated them with my razor and yow... We got instant cat and bear ears. Mari has cat ears. I have the bear ears. Rather fat, but hey, if it fits...

Tonight my heart is cold...

More like tired. I've been feeling crappy all day. My heart's been beating faster than usual and I still feel nauseous from Sunday. Bah. Everyone is sick and I guess it wasn't enough the first time around for me.

Julian called me tonight. He only called me to ask about Kolin.

Him: So, what is up with that foo'?
Me: Nothing. He got mad.
Him: Ah. See.
Me: Yeah, RIGHT.
Him: It's for the best.
Me: Julian, you pissed me off last night.
Him: What?
Me: You really pissed me off.
Him: Why? I-
Me: Because you were laughing at me.
Him: WHAT?
Me: YOU WERE LAUGHING AT MY FACE.
Him: Oh God.
Me: Yes, you were laughing and y-
Him: *clicks*

So, he hung up on me.

I'm still nauseous from last night. My aunt wanted to take me out to one of those Transvestite shows. The same people that were at her house a few months ago. I didn't want to go at first because I didn't want to leave my mom in this shithole with David. He's being a super fucking dick. You guys wouldn't believe me if I told you. I had planned to get fucked over that evening. After work I bought a little bottle of Jack. Needless to say, I didn't go through it. I was too busy.

So... I gave in. Skipping what happened at the place because it was stupid, I got drunk. My uncle kept buying me drinks. I didn't have that much, too. Two Margaritas and three Sex on the Beach. After my last one, I couldn't stand up properly. My aunt had to hold my hand and guide me around. I'd turn to her and say, "Tia, my cheeks are on my jawline." That's what I felt. "She doesn't even look drunk, huh?" My uncle asked my aunt. No, I didn't. I looked happy. I laugh a lot when I am drunk. On the way home, I got very nauseous. I was already nauseous on my way to the place. We were watching "Saw" and the monitor kept shaking like crazy. Anyway. I get carsick to begin with, but when you add alcohol... it's just a bad combination. They gave me a plastic bag. My mouth started to get very watery. When your jaw goes numb and you can't hold in your saliva anymore. Yeah. That's what I felt. "Okay, guys... I am going to throw up." My aunt didn't want me to puke in the bag. She, instead, pulled over and let me out. I stood on the side of the road for a while spitting out my saliva. I couldn't throw up, as much as I wanted to. Needed to. "Put your finger in your mouth," said another aunt. So, I did. I puked a little and that was it. I felt a bit better after that.

I got home at 2 AM. Door was locked. Heh. I had to wake up Mari so she could let me in. I went online to email Kolin and tell him what happened. I had planned on telling him all night. He has the right to know. I went to bed and the room was still spinning. And all day, I've been feeling like crap. The nausea won't go away. Maybe tomorrow.

My brother. He continues to hurt me and I LET HIM. He makes me lie to my father, he lies TO ME, he's manipulative, and makes me feel like I know shit. This evening he spent time in my room. Using the phone. Using my internet. Doesn't even ask me permission anymore. I need to change my password. He was Googling phone numbers. He wanted to prove to me that my address would pop up. And it did. So, he started searching through all the numbers he could think of. He asked Mari and then he asked me. I gave him three. He searched for Kolin's. I was expecting to get no information. He searched, we both saw the link, and he started. "Oh shit. See?" He wouldn't shut up.

Are you sure that's the number?
Oh man. Hahahaha.
He's playing you, man. See.
I told you.
I told you not to get too into it.
Hahahaha.

He saw how distraught I looked. Not because of what I saw on that page, but because he was laughing at me.

Ha. SEE. I made you think, didn't I?

I told him that all I'd have to do is ask Kolin about it. Simple.

What? Why are you going to ask him? He can just turn it around and lie. If you tell him, you're stupid.

He even called me stupid for telling Kolin what had happened to me last night at the show. WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH BEING OPEN WITH HIM? Why am I going to keep my life away from Kolin? I want him to know what goes on in my life. It pisses me off that people think this way. Fucking shit. It got to the point where I had to tell him to shut up. He wouldn't stop snickering. He was happy. He was happy because he believes that he's proved me wrong about Kolin. I was scared. I started thinking too much. I just wanted to be left alone. I'm afraid of losing Kolin. Despite what my brother told me, I decided to tell Kolin. I told him and I upset him. I don't blame him either.

I don't understand why they can't stand the fact that I am with Kolin. That I love him. My brother has been the biggest dick about it. I can't even talk about Kolin without being ignored. I'm trying to keep my head up. I have to defend my love for Kolin all the time. At home. At work. Why doesn't everyone just back off? Why are they trying to put me down? Because he lives in Florida? Because I haven't met him? What's the fucking difference? Would they be fucking PLEASED if I had met him in California? Sometimes I wish I had so they'd leave me alone.

I bet they don't even know how bad they are breaking me down. I've taken so much abuse from men all my life. Being harassed, ridiculed, molested... threatened. Kolin has been the only one that I could trust with all my heart and everyone else is trying to take that away from me. No, not everyone. Just the men. Jealous fucks. And I am letting them tear me apart. Why? This is my life. If I get hurt, then so be it. I am willing to risk myself for Kolin. I don't want to lose him. It would kill me. I don't know what I'd do. Amanda is right. Why can't everyone see it the way she does?

I wish they could see me crying right now. How hard I am crying. How horrible I look. You know, I don't even CARE to prove anyone wrong. I shouldn't. I just want to be keep being happy with Kolin. I'm not doing anything wrong by being in love. Fuck you all. Just because you are miserable doesn't mean I have to be. FUCK YOU! Fuck you for making me think so fucking low about Kolin. I'm the one who's going to have say on whether he's true to me or not. Not you. You're not in this relationship. You're not the one who's been patient. You're the one who fucked up, Julian. Not me.

What is she on?

It's been what... five days since I've posted anything? Yeah. A while. Not for the lack of having anything to write, but because I just haven't cared enough to update. Just to bring you up to speed, my mother and I have "patched" things up between us. In other words, we are talking again. She was in a good mood today, too. She took me shopping today. I repeat, SHOPPING. And not only that, she had already bought me a few things this week from Target. Even after she asked me if I needed anything and I told her no, she got me a pair of sweats, a PJ set, AND... get this... Homer slippers. Oh yeah. I was surprised. I was happy. I thanked her. So, today, she got me four tops. We went to this plus sized store up in Chino and they had cool stuff in there. I got clothes that make me look like an actual girl. Three our of the four tops show my shoulders in one way or another. I never show my shoulders.

After that we went over to her friend's home to buy some yogurt. We spent a while talking. Well, Mom did... I was too busy looking at Blondie, the household Chow Chow. She was so cute. Old, but cute.

On the way home, that's what made me come in here and post. Somehow Mother and I started a conversation about Kolin. I think I did, actually. I talked about how our kids might look like and so on and she asked me, "Are you really thinking about marrying him?" I told her that all depended on the meeting, but... yes. I think about marrying him all the time. We talk about when he was planning to come over, if he was planning to ever move to California, and such. Then she asks, "Are you sure he's not with someone else?" I knew it was coming. "No, I can't be 100% sure, right? But I am hoping he isn't." That's what they all want to hear. In reality, I really AM 100% sure that he isn't with anyone else. Because if he is, he knows what'll happen. I won't stand for that shit.

Then she asks, "Where is he going to stay?" *sigh* "Um, what?"

Mom: Where is he going to stay? In the house?
Me: Yes?
Mom: No, no. No.
Me: Are you kidding? He is.
Mom: No. Imagine what your father will say about me. 'Look at her letting her boyfriend in the house.'
Me: Oh please.
Mom: And David? You really think he's going to accept him in the house?
Me: Well? Where else can he go?
Mom: How about a hotel?
Me: No. It's a waste of money.
Mom: Well, he can't stay in the house.
Me: ...

I bit my lip all the way home. I didn't say much after that. I tried really hard not to cry in front of her. Then she says, "Why don't you go?"

Me: Me? Yeah. I've thought about it.
Mom: Yeah, you can get some money together and visit him for a weekend.
Me: A weekend??? Ha. No. If I go, I am going for a week. At least.
Mom: Maybe he won't let you. Why don't you try and trick him a little?
Me: What?
Mom: Yeah, like just ask him if you can visit him and see what he says. If he says no, then that means he might have someone over there.
Me: I know what he'll say. He's asked me to come visit him before. He'd want me to.
Mom: Oh. Then go.

Yeah. Something's going on. I'm weirded out at how she's up for the idea. So, I am not trusting her right now. I just can't. Something's not right. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Shit.

I can't believe it. Okay, I tried to dye my hair red today. I did dye my hair red. And as soon as I saw it... I missed my black hair. I truly missed it. I was hit with separation anxiety about an hour ago. I brokedown a little. I'm more calm now (NyQuil), but I still have anxiety. I feel raped. So, I am going to RiteAid to buy black dye tomorrow.

I'm stupid.

Think I'd be good enough?

Q: How can I model for Torrid?

I wonder. I know I lack the self-esteem to get through this, but it seems interesting to try. Seriously.

I should practice. *poses* Heh. No. If I had to ask that question UP THERE, then I am not worthy of trying. That's loser talk.

Little notes.

My brother called me very early this morning. He and I went over to my old workplace, Borders Group, INC. He applied. We went back home and I fixed my hair and left Mari a note. Julian and I went to pick up my aunt, went to the mall, applied at Torrid, and went back to my home to pick up Mari. We all went out to eat at Island's. I am still feeling that shit in my stomach. We all met our uncle there. I made fun of Nathan's hair. My aunt thought I was crazy to cut mine.

Julian brought Mari and I back home and we helped wash his car. I started to feel a bit weird then. I tried to eat, but it all went back out. I tried to go to bed early, but... I couldn't. I don't want to be awake right now, but I cannot fall asleep. Mixed feelings. My heart is crying right now. It aches. I hate this feeling. I'm going back to the bottle, too. I have been. I'll open the second bottle of Ny soon. I don't want to be awake.

My brother found out that I am spending two weeks alone. Well, was spending them alone. He's staying over for those two weeks. Already wants to plan parties and such. I told him how I feel about that, but I know he's going to do it anyway. Bring all his friends over. All they do is get drunk. Fuck it. I'll hit the bottle, too. I don't give a fuck anymore.

We voted.