To say the least...

I want you all to add this on your Oxie File: I get jealous. Don't we all? BUT IT SUCKS. I hate it. I admitted that to myself this afternoon. After years of denial. Feels good. But not.

I still refuse to believe.

And I can't comprehend this. I thought it was an April Fool's joke. I'd take a sick joke over the truth any day.

Whatever.

Pt. Two of The City Of Champions Tour

I'm hoping this post won't be as long as the last one. I'll try.

Sin and I decided on the night of the show, right after Zao, that we would come back (and by come back I mean go to the show on Friday). I really wanted to see The Takeover UK and The Black Maria again. They left me wanting more. Actually, the whole "live music" environment left me wanting more. Five sets in one night just wasn't enough. Not for me.

It rained on Thursday for a bit, but that didn't keep Sin and I from running a few errands. We ended up going to Target and then drove around Claremont onto Pomona. Since we were in the area we decided to buy the tickets right then. Mari was with us and I really wanted to take her with me to the show, so I bought two tickets. I convinced Julian to come with us that day, too. So, it was going to be the four of us. I was nervous about it, but more so excited. Sin and I wanted to go to some store, but noticed that the spot where we wanted to park wasn't legal, so we tried to back up and her car started making some weird-ass noise. She couldn't reverse. That was bad. We tried many things before some guy came up to us and asked us if we wanted help. The first thing that came to my mind was to call someone, but they wanted to try something first. I was at the wheel and because I am an IDIOT, I had no idea what I was doing. The guy kept telling me to do stuff that I've never done before in a car. First time for everything, no? The guy said that it seemed that the tranmission had gone bad and left us. He had a store to run. Mari and I ended up pushing the car a bit so Sin could back up. We had to do it quickly since there were cars passing through and the street was pretty tight. The car was still making that horrible weird-ass sound. It sounded like some chain fell in there and got stuck on a fan or something. Sin didn't want to risk it, so I called David. He made sure he asked a bunch of questions before he came by. I wanted him to come by, no questions asked. Just come by, see what is up with the car, and just help us, dammit. He seemed lazy about helping us. He took a good while before he finally found us. He took Sin's car and we took his car home. We took the long way back. At 25 MPH. Yeah. And that was the end of that.

On the day of the show, I got ready pretty late and just threw in whatever I found lying around in my room. I was still nervous. Julian called me and I told him to come by at 5:45 so we could be at the place at 6. I kept repeating that to him and he got fed up by saying, "Look, I am not stupid. I'll be there at 5:45." Right. My aunt called me a little after asking me for favors and told me that my brother was on his way to my home. That was weird. At 4:50 Sin, Mari, and I hear honking outside the house. "Oh, that moron." I told Mari to go up to him and tell him he's an hour EARLY. That's a first. He come to my room and I told him, "You're an hour early. I said 5:45. Not 4:45." "Oh maaaaaaaan." Yeah. So, we lounged around for a while. He asked about the bands that were playing and how they sounded. I played him some TOUK and some TBM. I also played him this old MP3 I had of Zao. He didn't like it. No surprise there. Sin and I were very excited about the show. We talked about it like it was the best high in the world. My brother was getting there. He doesn't like to sit around, so he decided that we all might as well leave. It was a good idea, because when we got there, there were already people waiting in line. We saw a couple of the guys from the bands that were playing that night. Same bands, I know. By the time the doors opened, there was a looong-ass line. So, this security woman patted us down, made sure we didn't have safety pins, crayons or rocket launchers. She was funny, but even her humor couldn't get me off the anxiety I was going through. My brother noticed it. I was very quiet and I seemed annoyed. I pretty much shut down.

So, we went in. I've never been to the Glasshouse. It was pretty small. The floor was bigger than the Key Club, but the Key Club could hold more folks. I made sure we got right up front. They had this barracade thing in this place. Like two feet from the stage (which was shorter than the one at the Key Club). I turned to see who was behind me and I saw this short little cute girl standing there fiddling with her camera. I turned back and then I turned back again and I did something I never do. I looked at her. I made an attempt to talk to her, but I didn't, so I turned back. My brother noticed and he looked at me like I was off it. So, I turned again and I caught her eye this time. That's when I asked her what I've been wanting to ask since I first saw her, "Who are you here to see?" That's when I wished I hadn't said much at all. She turned into a teeny bopper on me. Juliana this and JULIANA THAT. She was so adorable. Well, you're wondering why I wanted to even talk to her in the first place, right? No, I know. But I am still going to tell you. I just wanted to know who she was here for so when we left I could give her my spot. Simple. When I told her that, she almost wanted to cry. And she kept talking to me after that. It was on the cute/annoying borderline. I told her about the bands, their sounds, and so on. Then her brother came along and I was left in peace. We waited for a good while before TOUK took over the stage. I was more into it than last time. Actually, it seemed that the four of us were the only ones really into it. The only ones that I could see. Their set was just as great as the last time I saw them. I was more into TBM's set. My brother was loving it all. This bodyguard was right infront of us. I wish he wasn't. It killed the whole closeness thing. Chris ended up going up to these three girls and sang with them. That was great. Too bad. After TBM, I looked for the little girl and she thanked me and we all left. We went over to the merch section so I could get myself a TOUK shirt and their EP. I got my sister a TBM shirt and I got Chris to sign it for her. My brother got Chris to sign his cellphone. Still don't know why. I got Chris to sign this free TBM sticker. I was too shy to ask the other guys to sign it. I dunno. While I was doing all of that, I noticed that my brother was talking to one of the guy's from TOUK. The one that Sin has a crush on. *SWOOON* ;) Anyway, when I was done with my crap, I gave away the last of my money to the tip jar TBM and TOUK had on their tables. Then, I turned to the guy from TOUK, shook his hand, and thanked him. I was so alive by then, to tell you the truth. Live music changes me. I saw another one of the guys from TOUK and he seemed shy or to be hiding away, but AH HAH. You can't get away from me. I went over to him, shook his hand, and thanked him, too. He didn't really say anything. Whatever. We all went home blasting TBM.

When we DID get home, we stayed in the car for a while and discussed on whether we should go out to eat or not. We ended up getting some pizza. Julian's car brokedown for a while before he got it starting again. We all ate like pigs, talked for a while before calling it a night.

And yes, this one was shorter than the last post. I kept it nice and short. I really want to finish this book I checked out on Monday. I am about to be done with it. :D

Pt. One of The City Of Champions Tour

I took it upon myself to type how the show went.

Heh. After I wrote that sentence, Solitare took over my mind and I played a game. ADD WORKS FOR ME. So, the show. Yes. [I started to write this on Thursday, but never came back to it]

It's been almost a week since the 23rd of this month. To tell you the truth, I don't feel like blogging at all. Not even a bit. In fact, right now I feel very forced and restless about doing this. Anyway, Sin came by sometime after 2 PM. Or around. I had gone out before she came, though. I had to buy some money orders and get my bills straight. Anyway, we talked while I got ready for the show. Shared info and so on. We left around 3 or so. Sin and I were hungry and the chinese place was closed so we went down a few stores and bought some buffalo wings and a personal pizza. While our order was being prepared, Sin and I went over to the 99 cents store so Sin could buy some Mexican candy. Picked up our order and ate in her car. We talked about this man and his van that was parked in front of her car. He had a lot of junk in it. A lot. Toys, paper, clothes, you name it. The man couldn't even get in the damn car. Not without everything falling out of it. When a few things did escape his car, he laughed. It was funny. Sin and I finished our food and we headed off for West Hollywood. We blasted a few CDs. Deftones, Dave Matthews Band, AFI, The Juliana Theory, Beatles, and etc. By the time we arrived in Hollywood it was probably 4:30. We drove around for an hour. Looking for parking. While doing that, I noticed that Sin was driving far from the Key Club. Far into Beverly Hills. I looked around in confusion, but I trusted her. Then, she slowed down in front of a house and I recognized it. It was the Osbournes' home. That's when I realized that she drove this far only to show me their home. "Ohhh. This is why we came all the way here. I thought you wanted to park here." We finally found a place to park. We had to pay, though. Oh well. It was right infront of the Key Club.

We passed by it and noticed that there was nothing there. Some people walking around. Seemed like sound guys and such. So, we kept walking. And we walked down past The Roxy and The Whiskey. That's when I wished I had lived near those clubs. To have such access. Sigh. Anyway, Sin and I walked until she noticed this candy shop. Right. It was more of a novelty store. Novelty Heaven. We spent maybe 30 minutes in there. I was too restless and nervous to enjoy the damn store. I did love this singing deer, though. Not as much as the singing and dancing Homer. I saw a shirt that I wanted (I *heart* Boobs). Finally we went back to the Key Club and waited. We probably waited outside for two hours. We talked, sang, and looked at all the guys that were walking around. The sound guys. What we didn't notice was that some of those guys were actually from the bands we were seeing that night. I would have recognized maybe two guys from The Juliana Theory, but not from Open Hand, Zao, or The Takeover UK. I did recognize Chris from The Black Maria, though. I was looking around at nothing when I saw him standing a few yards away from where Sin and I were sitting. He was looking around too. Taking it all in. I slowly turned to Sin and told her that I thought he was the lead singer from The Black Maria, but I wasn't sure. It sure as hell looked like him. I'd only seen his picture once. But yeah. It was him. We sat and sat. It got to the point where our dorkiness was showing. Some guy came up to us asking where the line was. We had no idea, so he thanked us for the whatever info we gave him and went back to where he was standing. Sin and I got up not long after he left and stood next to him. That's where the line was. He asked Sin and I if we were excited about the show and we told him, "Not really." He was amazed or surprised or I dunno. He asked who we were there to see. "Juliana." He was stoked about it. Especially Brett. It was Brett this and Brett that. His girlfriend didn't seem to mind that, though. He was weird, but not weird for me. I was too nervous about the show that I wasn't really into him at the time. He'd try to get me and I'd get him back, but when he came around a second time, I'd stop. Because I didn't feel like playing around. He'd often apologize because he thought that he offended me a couple of times. I was nervous. Nervous = Quiet. We waited and engaged in conversation with him and his girl (on and off) for about an hour before the doors opened. Sin had to go into another line to buy a ticket. 2 minimum drink deal. Lame.

They checked my bag really quick and I went in first. I followed the guy and his girl. Right infront of the stage and waited for Sin. I needed to piss, so... yeah. Anyway, I came back and noticed that everyone was either sitting in the booths or went up stairs. But NO ONE else was standing up on the stage, like, "What the fuck?" Whatever. We waited for 30 minutes before the first band came around. The Takeover UK. I loved those guys. I always give bands a chance, even when I have heard them before and did not like them. So, I took the guys in and I looooved it. Their music makes me happy. It's nice, mellow... great. And I don't mean to sound concieted, but I felt that one of the guys kept staring at me. Sin noticed too. Two of them were staring, though. But we both agreed later on that it was because there were only four people close to the stage and Sin and I were the only ones really into the music. We were jammin'. I feel so dirty having said that. But, that's how I felt. You have no idea. Once I noticed his eyes, I'd quickly look away and stare at the stage lights. I felt stupid. Their set was short, though. They only played four songs. Brett came out during the third song. Woo. That was cool. I couldn't hear a damn thing, BTW. Too close to the stage.

The Black Maria was next, but I didn't really know it until I saw Chris again. Waited and waited. They took a good while to set up. I was expecting to see the guy that looked like Ralph Macchio, but he was nowhere to be seen. Chris set a box/case infront of me. He messed with it too much. I tried to get out of his way and avoided eye contact. So did he. It was too odd. Waaaited. And waited until I heard the first notes from The Lines We Cross. And that's when I got hyper. All I could do was stare at Chris. How he moved and his facial expressions. The song was over. I clapped hard. Then Chris turned around and I heard the first notes of The Memento. I shrieked. I was so happy, I think I jumped up and down for second and touched Sin in some sort of way. Like, "OMG! THE MEMENTO!!!" And yeah. I rocked it out. The sad thing was that I hardly knew the lyrics and I could barely hear him. From one great song to another. I was really into their set. I loved it when Chris would get up on top of the box he set up in front of me. So much energy. He and Kyle would get up on it hard. WOO. It came to a point where Kyle and Chris were fighting for the spot. I wish the set didn't end. It was great. Great.

Then Open Hand came up. More people started getting closer to the stage. Open hand didn't take long to set up and I only recognized the drummer. So, they played. And it was alright. Nothing I would buy, but I could jam to it. I was surprised at the fact that they were loud. I mean LOUD. I felt like my head was going to explode. I felt faint a few times, too. My head was ringing. Sinthya hated the girl in the band. She only sang two songs with the band. I thought she was cute. Like, her her style and her petiteness. Anyway, she was the only one in the band that WASN'T wearing chucks.

Zao. I can't say much about them. I had tried them out last year and I wasn't into them right away. It took a good while before I could barely tolerate them, but in the end... I gave up trying. I just can't stand the lead singer's voice. I later found out that Brett was in Zao. Great. So, Zao took the longest to set up. And I was amazed at how SHORT they seemed. It was hilarious. Not all the band members were short, but you know. The lead singer was short. Funny looking. They were "harder" musically but they weren't close to being as loud as Open Hand. I was glad, to tell you the truth. I thought I was gonna die before Juliana came up. They did give me a headache, though. So, they played and I rocked out. You may ask, "But didn't you just say that you can't stand them?" Yeah, true, but it's LIVE music. I can't deny live music. Ever. Even if the band sucks, I still want to be drawn into them. And Zao, musically... don't suck. I loved the black guitar player. He was great and into the music. The Zao kids started getting a bit rough, though. Too rough for the Juliana fans. I still find it hilarious that Zao was in the bill. It makes sense because of Brett, but their music just doesn't fit in. Nor did Takeover UK's and Open Hand's. Not to forget The Black Maria. I did love how different it all was. Anyway, back to the Zao-Heads. They were rowdy. I was still into the music. As much as I could be. I had two girls behind me screaming their heads off. Rubbing their stomachs on my ass. It was annoying, but I let it happen. It's live music. Sinthya, on the other hand, was falling asleep to Zao's music. I kinda felt bad about it. And the guy next to me, he just discretely made fun of the Zao-Heads by headbanging along with them. He made fun of me too by trying to headbang with me, which is funny because I don't headbang. I just move my body and do the whole finger pointing thing. Around the last song, it got very rowdy. From the pit that had already formed behind me, it looked pretty good. The environment, that is. I usually had my hand on the stage or on the side, but that was a bad idea. Some guy, somehow, slammed against me really hard. I believe he was pushed out of the pit because when he slammed against me, I turned to see who it was and he looked extremely scared. I silently laughed it off. He crushed my pinky, though. It hurt for a while, but whatever. And also, I couldn't stop staring at Zao's lead singer's ear lobes. They were so digusting. He wears plugs, but decided to leave them out that night. Ewww. And his facial expressions? Haha. It was funny seeing his eyes rolling to the back of his head. He was very into his music. It was cool, but funny. So, the kids started to get even more closer to the stage and I was moving harder to the music. Then some other little short fuck tried to get on top of me to get to the lead singer, but that little fuck noticed where all the true Zao fans were and went with them. It was mostly guys. They were all on top of each other and some even tried getting on stage. They failed. Regardless, I was into the live music. Sin ended up linking her arm with mine and holding onto me. :D I told her it was going to be okay. I think I did. I don't remember much. But as soon as she held onto me, the music ended. Zao left the stage, the Zao-Heads demanded an encore, Zao never came back out, so the fans groaned and left. Sin did NOT want them to come back. Woo. Sin told me the next day that a little asian girl (a TINY one that I had seen before the doors opened) was being pummeled by some guy in one of the pits. It seemed like she wanted to cry. If I would have known that was happening, I would have gotten to her as fast as I could or motioned to her to get in front of Sin and I. NO GIRL should get beaten at a pit like that. More so when they don't WANT to be in there. She had no choice, either. She was at the edge of it. If you can handle a pit, great. More power to ya. Fuckers are idiots. I would have smacked thatfucker up. Or at least tried. I felt like breaking his nose into his brain. But why bother.

It was TJT's turn. I won't say much because I am tired of explaining. They played a lot of great songs, some new, some very old and a couple that I never heard of. Contellation was my favorite. Brett was pretty close to stepping on the guy's hand that was standing next to me. My voice died when I sang along to Into The Dark. I was into Juliana's set the most. Mostly because I knew more of their songs than any of the other bands. While they played, I tried looking back to see how many TJT fans were around and I saw a good amount, but they were mostly just standing there, maybe bobbing their heads. I thought, "C'MON! Move more!" I only noticed one other guy that was as into it as I was. Maybe it's just me. I like to get into music. TJT left and came back for an encore. They played a song that I have never heard of before but it seemed to be a favorite of the older TJT fans. I've only been a TJT fan since 2002. They were great. I turned to the guy next to me, shook his and his girl's hand, told them that it was great meeting them both, and left.

After the encore, Sin and I went downstairs to look at the merch. I got myself a Black Maria shirt. Soon after we left W. Hollywood and we didn't get home until 1:30 AM. My mother was sleeping on the couch and the first thing she asked me was, "Did you get squished?"

I will post what happened when I went to the show again on Friday tomorrow. I think this is good for now. As for today, Mari and I went over to her school so I could read and she could do her homework. I brought my shitty boombox with me this time and we listened to Dave Matthews while we did our thing. My sister and I craved some Mac and Cheese, so I made some. I used a different pot this time, though. Stupid me. I tried picking the thing up and I ended up burning both of my hands. I did it again with my left hand a couple of times, too. I am so fucking forgetful. I KEPT FORGETTING THAT THE POT WAS SCALDING HOT. But noooooo. My hands are okay, though. Only my left middle finger got it pretty badly. It still hurts.

Oh, and excuse any mistakes and etc.

The Lines We Cross isn't loud.

It's not-so-amazing how quickly my mother can kill my spirit.

I was happily singing along with Al Green. In love. Then she rapes at my door. Bajale a tu musica! So, I turned it down. More than it was already down. I don't listen to loud music. My eyes became watery, a lump started to form, and I turned it down some more. Now I feel ashamed for singing and for listening to music. That's how she makes me feel. I've felt ashamed for drawing, for singing, for listening to music, for playing. For sleeping. For breathing. She can make something innocent seem like a sin. And now, with every minute that passes, I find myself turning the volume down. Soon, I am turning it off. Musicless. Soundless. Miserable. Just how she likes it.

That still stands. Music wasn't even that loud. And I was happily singing until she banged on the wall. I turned it down, but continued to sing. A minute later, she banged on the wall again. And harder that time. I turned it down and shut up. Now I feel guilty for being awake.

A Room Nearby

All of you, anyone... you need to watch this. It's amazing. I wish it were longer than 30 minutes. I need to watch it again. No. I need to FIND it, DOWNLOAD IT, and WATCH it everyday. Because it's great.

A Room Nearby
Monday, March 28, 10:30pm
Five people, pictured in animated sequences, describe their loneliness.
In Stereo (CC)

You can watch it on PBS or KCET or whatever it is that you have.

Monday, April 4, 10:30pm

Monday, April 11, midnight

Actually, go here and check out your listings for your apporiate time. Just watch it.

Nine.

I got this from Amanda at MS. If you're bored, go ahead. Takes seconds.

Let me know your number. Once you have discovered your Birth Number, forward this email to the rest of your friends, including the one who sent this to you. Put your "number" in the "Subject" and Pass it on.

Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing.

To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be, it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight.

Example March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973
1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20
2 + 0 = 2

Keep going until you end up with a single digit
number. 2 is the Birth number to read for the birth date in the
example.

..1 THE ORIGINATOR

..2 THE PEACEMAKER

..3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

..4 THE CONSERVATIVE

..5 THE NONCONFORMIST

..6 THE ROMANTIC

..7 THE INTELLECTUAL

..8 THE BIG SHOT

..9 THE PERFORMER
=======================================================

1 - THE ORIGINATOR
1's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.

Famous 1's Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

..2 - THE PEACEMAKER
2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.

Famous 2's President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas
Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus, Mozart.

.. 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through.They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.

Famous 3's Alan Alda, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster

.. 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE
4's are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They
only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.

Famous 4's Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey

.. 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST
5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and
enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller Mark Hail.

.. 6 - THE ROMANTIC
6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.

Famous 6's Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Steep, Christopher Columbus, and Goldie Hawn

..7 - THE INTELLECTUAL
7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what not in the world at large.

Famous 7's William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez, Princess Diana

.. 8 - THE BIG SHOT
8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want.

Famous 8's Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand,
George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus, and Ron Connolly (Bragger!!!!!!!)

..9 - THE PERFORMER
9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in
fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving
foundation.

Famous 9's Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley

No Excuses.

Yeah. It's early. I can't sleep. I've been up since awhile.

I had a fucked up dream. Well, a series of dreams, but all I seem to remember right now is Alice In Chains and tons of orange juice. I was drinking a shitload of it. The Alice in Chains part is a given since I listened to the whole CD on repeat. I was "watching" Fuse in my dreams and no matter what was on, AIC was playing. Even Bjork popped up with Them Bones in the background. I checked what drinking orange juice meant.

Orange
To see them growing or boxed for shipment is a forecast of a slow but steady improvement in your circumstances; to eat them or drink the juice predicts a short but unforgettable love affair; and orange blossoms, as expected, signify news of a wedding.

What the fuck does that even mean? But then there's this:

Juice
To dream of drinking juice of any kind signifies that financial help will be forthcoming when you need it. To dream of serving juice indicates you will have a surprise request for a loan.

Someone loaning from me? Yeah. Right.

I am still not fully here. Time's been somewhat either long or obsolete for me. I thought I had been watching TV for what seemed an hour, but I looked at my clock and it had only been 15 minutes. Or a while ago before I came in here. I woke up at 5, stayed in bed for what seemed an hour. It was only 20 minutes. And last night, I was numb. Until I brokedown. Anxiety had been biting at my ass a few hours before that. It'll be over soon.

This feeling sucks.

Ever since the busboy tried to understand me, my mind's been in hiding. He asked me, pleaded with me, not to think. And I believe my brain actually shut down.

SO WE BOTTLED AND SHELVED ALL OUR REGRETS!

Good song. All I need is some alcohol. No. I don't. It's been an hour and this is all I've typed up. I'll just be quick.

Friday: It was boring. I went to a few stores and got myself and Mari stuff that we needed. I really wanted to go to a Payless store because I saw some cool shoes in some ad. I hate Payless, but those were damn cool shoes. The store nearest to my home had relocated. I took another way home. A car tried to get my attention. That only scared me off. Work was lousy. I got three to-go orders. A lady tried to get me in trouble. That bitch. I did nothing wrong. And over the phone. Whore.

Saturday: Started off the day badly. David was still drunk from the night before and you know what that means. We got a party of 20 as soon as we opened. We weren't fully prepared. David was screaming at everyone. I could still smell that rancid, drunk breath of his. He made me feel like I was worthless and I couldn't do my job. "Cristal, I know your busy, but you have to take care of that party!" FUCK YOU. But I knew I did my fucking best. I did what I could and I did it as best as I could and at the end of the day I was proud of myself for not breaking down, because I almost did. I ended up hating my boss that day. And the busboy asked if I had taken into consideration on what he talked to me about. I told him that I didn't think for a whole week. He didn't really listen to what I said. Most of them never do. Or maybe I am not talking loud enough. Or maybe I need to find something more interesting to say. I saw Sarah, took her order, and hardly said a word to her. The manager was trying to talk to her. I got the urge to give her my number, but I couldn't do it. I felt weird about it. I just told her to come by again. And I meant it. The busboy tried to understand me again. Even the manager tried to get into the conversation. I am so sick of them telling me that I have a fucking degree. I KNOW I do. I know. Fuck off with it. And every conversation ends with me talking about my mother as I form this horrible lump in my throat. I have said things about her that I shouldn't have and I end up feeling guilty about it. I should stop. No one believes that my mother is capable of such things. No, not her. She seems friendly and happy and full of life. That's what they tell me. I tell them that's not her. It's all a lie. The only good thing about Saturday was hearing Kolin.

Sunday: It was another crappy day. One of the girls kept asking me if I was sad. I wasn't sad. I was neutral. David made another comment about my smelly room. My mother made a comment too.

My mother is sick, so she's not working tomorrow. I'm glad I am going out with Julian. If he doesn't forget. The fact that I am seeing Juliana Theory doesn't even phase me. It feels like Wednesday is going to be like every other shitty, fucking day. I am actually not looking forward to it. I am more excited about hanging out with Sinthya more than anything. And I told my brother that I didn't want to go to Six Flags anymore. I'm not up for it. Today I was shit. I still haven't even payed my bills. That's not like me at all. I just don't care. I'll do that Wednesday morning. And I can't laugh anymore because it hurts. Every time I try and I hold it in, I get this sharp pain in my stomach. This has been going on for a month. And the numbing pains have come back. Fear. Loneliness.

It's February all over again.

Yeah. Fuck you.

Mmhmm. Great. I lost a post. Oh well. What's lost is lost.

Fuck you.

But Happy Better-Wear-Green-Or-I-Will-Pinch-Your-Ass Day.

Gateway through Hell.

Wow. It's 12:04. I forgot I had this up. Hmm.

I only saw my mother for a few minutes today. Spoke with her for a few seconds. I went into the bathroom to fix my hair and I could hear her complaning about something. My sister was there, just standing, so I assumed it was about her. As soon as I came out my mother asks, "Hey, Cristal. Have you asked your father about [insert whatever here]."

Me: No.
Mother: *bitches*
Me: Well, why don't you ask him?

That's when she looked at me from the corner of her eye and for that split second I could feel her wanting to kill me. That look was horrible. So, I quickly said, "I've already asked him many times and he hasn't done anything." And I went inside my room, locked the door, and sat on the floor. I kept playing back that look of hers. I couldn't help it and I started to cry. I didn't understand what I did to deserve that look from her. I didn't raise my voice or had a sarcastic tone. I just told her. But because I spoke back to her like that... I dunno. I'd stop crying, but as soon as I saw those eyes, I started crying again. Even now I get chills. Dammit, I wish I didn't fear her this way. I truly fear her. She has me in the palm of her fucking hands. And she knows it. I fucking hate her for that. I fucking hate her.

I needed to get out and Mari had read my mind. She wanted to take a walk. We ended up going to the 99-cents store and then Rite Aid. The walk back home was great. The music helped. There's been strong winds here, too. I loved it. But the closer I was to home, the more depressed I got. Got home. I went straight to my room, locked my room, and fell to the floor. I stayed there for an hour. I was too afraid to move.

Got this link in my inbox.

Grrrrr.

Subscribe to the Family Guy Newsletter to possibly read the details.

She still reminds me of Gasoline.

The smell,
The pain,
The hell,
Her ways.

Fuckin' allergies. I'm going to make my nose bleed. Julian overslept again, so forget it. I can give my blood away next month. I'm still feeling restless and in heat (not in the good way, either). I cleaned and showered earlier than usual today. I wanted to get the hell out of there before Mother came back from work. I went to Mari's school and waited for her. After I found her, I dragged her around two of the school's buildings. I wanted to speak to a teacher. Or two. The first on my list was Ms. Rowe. I came across Mr. G, first. I never like any meeting we have. Every time I do come across him I have hope that our meeting will be different than the last, but it never is. Just to repeat myself: Mr. G was my Psychology teacher. He was also the first teacher to discover my scars and take my self-mutilation very seriously. I took off my spikes, exposed my wrists, and he took me out of class. It was all a mistake. I hated myself for being so stupid. I felt ashamed. And he didn't get off my back about it until I graudated high school. Sort of. He was the one that "made" me see a therapist. Waste of my fucking time. He even called home and talked to David. Waste of his fucking time. He's always been blunt. He tried to get into my head too fucking much, though. And today. He asked me what I've been doing. Where I have been working. I told him. I told him about that and school. "Well, you better go back to school again." What?! NO. School fucking KILLS me. Fuck you. No. I was offended, to tell you the truth. Especially because my sister was there. Fuck. Why the fuck do I have to go back to school? So I can get myself in even deeper shit? More debt? More government money owed? No. Fuck off. Anything and everything I need to know to live a sound life I can learn from people, books, music, and myself. School is not for me. I just fucking hate it.

So, I quickly leave after that. Ms. Rowe wasn't around. I wanted to see if Mr. A was around, but I passed by Mrs. Ridderbush first. "Oh, heey, Cristal! I was just thinking about you a few days ago." Yeeah. That surprised me. I had a great visit with her. Always hard to keep a conversation going, but it was great. She always makes me feel good. I had my Lynda Barry book with me and she was very interested in it. She wrote down the book info and once again my sister and I headed off. Mr. A wasn't around. Oh well. Off we went to the bank. I hadn't made that deposit yet. It was hot today. Hot. I was sweaty. "Eh, let's not go to the library today. It's too hot." My sister was delighted. 99-cents store. WOO. Mari needed batteries. I had a dollar to spare. I had a twenty, but that's my concert money. There was some Spanish radio station in front of this market. Loud. Annoying. People. Yeah. Got the batteries. I was thirsty so I went into Rite Aid after. Big mistake. I thought, "Ah, fuck it." And grabbed my gel and looked around for stuff that I might need. I got Mari a PayDay. Mmm. I got myself some Altoids. New ones. For me. Ginger. I went towards the back to check out that new Glade Scented Oils Fan shit. Ever since David asked me if I washed my sheets. Ever since then. That motherfucker. I've been very sensitive about how my room smells. "Hey, Cristal. When was the last time you washed your sheets?"

Me: Uh, last week?
David: Oh, because, I dunno... every time you open your door I get this weird smell coming from there.
Me: Like... what?
David: I dunno, like sweat or something. It smells bad.
Me: I dunno.

So, I asked my brother a few days ago. "Hey. Does my room smell bad?" He said no. He said it smelled good. But I was still unsure. So, I asked my sister today. "Hey. Do you think my room smells bad?" She also said no. "Noo. Why?"

Me: Because David said it smelled bad.
Mari: Well, he's stupid. He smells bad.
Me: Yeah, but... what does it smell like then?
Mari: I dunno. It smells like you. Like a baby.
Me: Ahhhh.

Even after all of that, I still bought the damn fan. The smell is every strong and can fill up the room in a matter of seconds. I really wanted this candle, though. It had like three-in-one. Mmm. It was berries. I LOOVED it. Maybe later. So, yeah. My rooms smells like a bathroom now. Teh.

After I payed for the stuff, we left. I tasted the Ginger Altoids. Yeck. "Wow. It tastes like Christmas. Like bad Christmas." "Wait, no. They taste like trees!" Yeah. They are that shitty. "No, wait. They taste like crap. Trees taste better than this." I think I am going to stick with the blue box kind from now on. I talked to Mother today. Maybe a word or two. She locked herself in her room all day. Then she came into my room and threw a set of new sheets that she bought for me at me. Then she came back a few minutes later. "Have you actually cleaned your closet yet?" She always finds something stupid to bitch about. Fortunately, I was cleaning. I was cleaning and rearranging my room a bit. I was doing that for me, though. Not for that bitch. I was tired of my craft/coffee table being too close to the computer. Now I have more space to create my crap in. I found a blue safety pin on the floor while I was cleaning and for split second I pictured myself grabbing that pin and inserting it into my wrist. Then, I picked it up and put it away. I have a lot of mind-invading flashforwards.

I hope they make better scented oils soon. This one is too strong.

Oh.

I forgot about this. It's the new cover for HarryPotter and the Half-Blood Prince.

NOW, it's bed time.

I am longing for your touch...

And I welcome your sweet six-six-six in my heart...

THAT. SONG. I've never heard of any HIM songs (I avoided them) and as soon as I heard this one, I knew it was them. And I can't stop listening to it. I've had it on replay so I could play it out. It's getting there.

I didn't get to give out my blood today or yesterday, whatever. I didn't realize how far the place is and it was rather warm outside. I could have fainted or some shit. Julian didn't like the idea of me walking that far, so he insisted he'd take me tomorrow. Today. Yeah. I spent a lot of hours messing with my jacket. You have no idea how many times I have changed the design of the pyramid studs and how many times I have added them and taken them out. I gave up today. The good stuff doesn't come out of me in just one day. It takes months. I didn't start decorating my bag until six-or-so months after I bought it. I want to buy some zippers and sew them onto my jacket. I was gonna do that first, but the pyramids got int he way. I was also going to rip my jacket and make it look like cuts. Red zipers. I dunno. I dunno.

I just DLed TJT's new track for this year's new album. It's a rough cut. So far it's okay. It takes a while for my mind to settle into something new. Such as House of Secrets. It took me a while to start liking it (like a day). Now, I can't stop fucking playing it.

So, tomorrow. Blood. Yum. Stress, stress. Nothing to stress about but stress itself. My jaw is starting to hurt from the neck, ear, and headaches I've been having. Stupid self. Juliaaaana, come sooooon. I need the live music again. I know what I really need, but that's too far. One day. Soon.

Ah, Jen. Thanks for THe Mars Volta. I, AGAIN, tried to give TMV another chance. Sorry. I just can't stand them. Or the music. And I just came across the post about going to the APC concert, read this small part, and laughed.

We waited for 30 minutes before The Mars Volta took the stage. Oh... I was surrounded by a lot of the TMV fans, BTW. -_- Eh. I tried to keep an open mind about this band. I didn't know them well and I wanted to give them a chance. They bore me. They remind me of fucking At The Drive-in. I don't know how, but they do. I went along, though. Live music is awesome. I wanted them to go away, though. I was there for APC.

I was going to say that in this post, too. About how they remind me of At The Drive-In. Heh. And it's the voice and hair that remind me of them.

BED. Bed. Headaches. Bed. Sleep. Night.

Dah.

After a year of wanting and a few weeks of waiting, I finally found a jacket. Target never fails. My brother came over. Took me. You know, I forget how overprotective he is of me. Some dude just wanted 98 cents and I was willing and ABOUT to give it to him when my brother pushed me aside and started asking the dude what he wanted and he motioned to me to head for the car. Jeeeze. He just told the guy we had nothing. Yeah. No one messes with me when my brother and father are around. I am glad my dad didn't hear that old fuck call me or Nelly a bitch when I went to the mall on Sunday. I was about to go over to him and start a fire on that fucker. Eh. Old people are pissy. What can one do.

On our way to the Target over at Chino my brother and I had our usual music talk. Mostly about our cousin Diego and how Julian is always testing him on his "rock" knowledge. He knows little (very), but he's catching up. We have so much to teach him. Sounds, voices, styles. Yeah. Julian also mentioned this cool video that he saw a while back. He described it to me and I instantly wanted to see it badly. What's coolor than a bleeding puppet? I still have yet to see Meet The Feebles and for those of you who have seen it: Hush. I don't care. So, he didn't know what the name of the song was and who the band is, but because I am smart... I found it. I want to see it, but I don't watch music videos. I don't have Fuse and MTV sucks. Oh well. Uhhh... I got a call from the blood bank. Thing. They still want my blood. Since I have no ride (Julian doesn't seem to want to take me), I am going to walk over there and back. If they let me. I dunno. Whatever.

I wanna puke.

Another one. Because they are fun.

ConstantConverse: what should i wear tomorrow
ConstantConverse: and don't say clothes
I am Oxie Moron: lol Oh darn.
I am Oxie Moron: Wear greeen.
ConstantConverse: is tomorro st. patricks day?
I am Oxie Moron: Nah. I dunno.
I am Oxie Moron: I don't think so.
I am Oxie Moron: I don't know when it IS.
ConstantConverse: no that's the 17th
I am Oxie Moron: Oh.
I am Oxie Moron: I got my green shirt ;-)
I am Oxie Moron: It says "Made In Ireland.
ConstantConverse: what does it look like?
I am Oxie Moron:
ConstantConverse: oh LOL
ConstantConverse: you're not irish!
I am Oxie Moron: I know :D
I am Oxie Moron: But it was the coolest one there. I looooooooove this shirt.
I am Oxie Moron: So comfy.
ConstantConverse: irony through clothing is fun
I am Oxie Moron: Kolin is, though.
ConstantConverse: yeah haha
I am Oxie Moron: I could say, "I wear this shirt even though I have no Irish in me" and I KNOW he would say, "Not yet."
I am Oxie Moron: 'Cause, I know how he thinks.
ConstantConverse: lol
ConstantConverse: that's so cute!
I am Oxie Moron: lol
I am Oxie Moron: Like, "JEEEZE! Always trying to throw in sex into our convo."
I am Oxie Moron: He never fails.
ConstantConverse: so when are you going to GET SOME?
I am Oxie Moron: I think it's going to be at the cheap hotel when we're both drunk out of our asses and watching King of the Hill.
ConstantConverse: so how do you feel about that?
I am Oxie Moron: About what? Losing my virginity? Having sex?
ConstantConverse: being drunk off you ass watching king of the hill when it happens
I am Oxie Moron: Oh. Right now, I feel... neutral about it. When it happens, I doubt I'd remember anything if I get drunk like that.
I am Oxie Moron: But, BTW... I was joking.
ConstantConverse: ok good
I am Oxie Moron: I don't know how or when or where I am going to have sex, but as long as it's with Kolin and in a PRIVATE place, I am good.
ConstantConverse: Jane and I were having a conversation before
I am Oxie Moron: Oh?
ConstantConverse: ConstantConverse: I don't think there is anyone I would half sex with at this very moment
what jane thinks: lol
what jane thinks: except maybe jude law?
ConstantConverse: like if some dude walked down here and said "Colette, I want to make sweet love to you." I would say not thanks
what jane thinks: hhahahaha
ConstantConverse: except maybe Jude Law
what jane thinks: that would be super cheesy
I am Oxie Moron: Hahaha.
ConstantConverse: haha
ConstantConverse: so wow how much can I takl abotu sex in one night?
I am Oxie Moron: SEX! SEX! SEEEEEEEX!
I am Oxie Moron: OMG! SO MUCH SEXNESS!
I am Oxie Moron: *sings* It's raining seeeeex!
ConstantConverse: LOL
ConstantConverse: hahahaha
ConstantConverse: LOL!!!
I am Oxie Moron: :P
ConstantConverse: THAT is going in my info
I am Oxie Moron: Hahaha.
I am Oxie Moron: I think this convo is going in my blog.
ConstantConverse: haha we are so lame!
I am Oxie Moron: YES. Because we are sexless.
I am Oxie Moron: SEXXX!
ConstantConverse: sexless... :-(
I am Oxie Moron: But not for long. ;-) For the both of us.
I am Oxie Moron: It's best we wait.
I am Oxie Moron: No rush in the love makin'.
ConstantConverse: lol
I am Oxie Moron: Yeah. I don't regret losing my virginty at the average age of 16.
I am Oxie Moron: It's good to be above average.
ConstantConverse: me either
ConstantConverse: yay!
I am Oxie Moron: Wooo.
ConstantConverse: I am off to shower
ConstantConverse: tlak to you tomorrow probably
I am Oxie Moron: Alrighty. Have fun :D
ConstantConverse: i sure will
ConstantConverse: lol
ConstantConverse: and no there will be no dead kittens so don't worry
I am Oxie Moron: AWWWWw.
ConstantConverse: THUNDER!
I am Oxie Moron: Three died a few hours ago over here ;-)
I am Oxie Moron: Well, 2 and a half.
ConstantConverse: hahaha
I am Oxie Moron: :P
ConstantConverse: one hasn't died for me in awhile
I am Oxie Moron: You better start killin' some soon!
ConstantConverse: maybe
ConstantConverse: haven't felt like it
I am Oxie Moron: It's fuuuun :l
I am Oxie Moron: Ah.
I am Oxie Moron: Damn pills.
ConstantConverse: zoloft?
I am Oxie Moron: Yah.
ConstantConverse: no I don't think that's it
I am Oxie Moron: Well, they killed my libido.
I am Oxie Moron: They were evil.
ConstantConverse: oh well anways I will talk to you later
ConstantConverse direct connection is closed.
I am Oxie Moron: Night :-)

Just a little FYI: Kolin is not fully Irish. But he's got some in there.

They don't know how.

He hates my spikes. She hates my way of living. And they threaten me.

I finally have time by myself and I sit down to cry. That's when all their negativity comes out. I could have a million people praise me for being me, but their negativity combined can kill me in an instant. All I'm left to do is cry. I cried. I let Otep do the screaming for me.

Ah, dammit. MAKE UP YOUR MIINDS!

Okay. New plan. Let's see how long this one lasts. I am still on for TJT on the 23rd, but now Julian wants to go to either Disneyland or Six Flags on Friday instead of the TJT show. We've decided on Six Flags. For now. I told him I was going to the show twice. He thought it was crazy.

Him: You've got to be kidding.
Me: WHY? I want to go to both shows.
Him: The same band?
Me: Yeah?
Him: *laughs*
Me: Whaaaaat?
Him: Forget it, then. Let's not go.
Me: WHAT?! Dammit. Look, I already got the day off. You BETTER take me somewhere.

That's when he and I started talking about the theme parks. I haven't gone to one since... 1997. Jeeze. It's been a while. After that, I've been afraid that I wouldn't fit in the rides because I was too fat. No joke. I still do. It's humiliating.

So. We'll see.

Oldies are good for the heart.

It's not-so-amazing how quickly my mother can kill my spirit.

I was happily singing along with Al Green. In love. Then she rapes at my door. Bajale a tu musica! So, I turned it down. More than it was already down. I don't listen to loud music. My eyes became watery, a lump started to form, and I turned it down some more. Now I feel ashamed for singing and for listening to music. That's how she makes me feel. I've felt ashamed for drawing, for singing, for listening to music, for playing. For sleeping. For breathing. She can make something innocent seem like a sin. And now, with every minute that passes, I find myself turning the volume down. Soon, I am turning it off. Musicless. Soundless. Miserable. Just how she likes it.

I checked my phone after work and I saw that I had 8 missed calls. "Sin }i{ " and "Private Call." I called Sin back as soon as I was on my way out of the restaurant. Well, actually, until I got inside the car. It's raining again. She called to ask me if I wanted to go with her to get the tickets. Damn work. I would have loved to have gone with her. Oh, just in case I haven't said anything about it. I am going to see TJT on Wednesday with Sin and I am going to see them again on Friday with Julian. I am not as excited as I should be about finally seeing them. I am more excited about hanging out with my cousin and my brother than seeing TJT. Anyway, work was busy. Lame, though. Whatever. I overheard my boss and "the manager" speaking about the fights that happened last Saturday. All I heard was that customers have been asking about what happened at the morning of the fights and stabbings. This seems to have made it in the newspapers on Monday. Now, because we don't want to scare them off, we have to sorta lie about it. All I have to say is that I know nothing about it and that I wasn't there. I would only be half lying. I don't care. They don't need to know about this. These parties go on way after they are snuggled up in their beds. Or getting wasted in their own homes. All of this just because some fucking bitch trying to be some hot shit at the party. Eh. I shouldn't say that. I wasn't there.

I went to the library Tuesday. My sister and I didn't spend much time there since I got a call from Dad asking me to print 50 pages of something. I took home with me the first book I picked up. I am always drawn to the Youth section of the library. And I believe that I forever will be. My mind is younger than my body. I don't like to read complicated books. So, the book I picked up was One Hundred Demons by Lynda Barry. I knew who it was as soon as I held it in my hands. I read two of her books when I was in high school. I fell in love with them, but as soon as I read them, I forgot about them. Too much took over my mind that I pushed it all the way down in the back of my mind. That's where all the great things go. Only the horrible is at the top. With the exception of a few amazing, beautiful, and lovable things. Mostly people. But once in a while I will lose the great things amidst all of the rest that floods it. I don't mind. As long as it's there, I don't. So, I read the whole book today. Before work and after. In some ways, what she writes about, it reminds me of myself when I was younger. The drawing, the hair, the way she aspired to be a hippy, being yelled at by her mother for being different while being encouraged by her teachers (not all of them) for the same reasons... the abuse. I smiled greatly when I saw a picture of her, at her desk holding a paintbrush while wearing her button-print pajamas and a pearl necklace. She was smiling too.

I told myself while taking a shower, "You're never going to change. And that's okay. You're not so bad. You're you." I just wish I could hold onto that. I look around my room at times. The mess. How unorganized it is to everyone, to my mother, but to me, it's perfect. It's perfect because only I know where everything is. And that's how it's supposed to be. It's my room. I love how I have decorated boxes with buttons, yarn, felt, and many other things that I've collected over the years. All the bright colors that take over my room, my clothes and pencil shavings all over my floor. It's all mine. Everything you see in here, everything you could see in here is me. The hidden, empty bottles of Jack, my body sprays, my books, my toys, and my uncared for CD collection. That's all me. But I lock it all away because not that many can handle it. Especially her.

I don't want to be around tomorrow. Not until after 2 PM. I have to get up early and leave here. I can't stand being around her. I can't let her make me feel miserable just because she is. But, I still have yet to perfect it.

I don't know how.

New Members.

posted by Brandon - Feb 21, 1:26pm

Over the past few months, alot has changed here in the Dead Poetic camp. Some of the news may be bittersweet, but demonstrates our willingness to overcome and evolve.

As many of you know, Josh is no longer in Dead Poetic. During July of 2004, Josh went home to pursue other things. He was able to graduate from college, and go on to pursue other aspirations for his life. Josh was a founding member of this band (back in 1997) as well as a good friend, we love him and wish him all the best. We are deeply appreciative of everything Josh has done for this band, and all the hard work that has made Dead Poetic what it is today.

Our new drummer is Jesse Sprinkle. Jesse was a member of several bands, including Demon Hunter, Poor Old Lu, Serene, and Morella's Forest. Jesse is a phenomenal drummer, and we are thrilled to have him as part of this band. Jesse runs a studio in NY in which we will spend alot of time writing for the new record. We are ecstatic to have Jesse on board.


Unfortunately, soon after returning home this fall, Todd decided it was time for him to leave the band. Todd has been a huge part of this band for the past couple years. Todd' s talent was a tremendous asset to the creation of "New Medicines" and a tremendous asset to our live show. We love Todd, and are sad to see him go, but respect his decision to focus on other areas of his life. It has been a great few years.

Our new guitarist is Dusty Redmon. Dusty is from the band Beloved, and got on board with Dead Poetic shortly after Beloved's final show. We have known Dusty for years, and have built a strong friendship through many Dead Poetic / Beloved tours. Dusty is a great guitar player that shares our same vision for the musical direction we are taking. Dusty will be sure to take the position of 'band entertainment' and we are excited about what he brings to the band.


Both Dusty and Jesse have brought an excitement and encouragement into Dead Poetic that has gotten us even more thrilled to write and perform. We feel blessed that Jesse and Dusty have now become members of Dead Poetic. We are very excited about what is to come. You should be too.

-Dead Poetic

Yeah. I forgot to mention this, but I don't want to type. So. Control V and C. It rocks.

Just because.

Amanda sent me this one Sunday. Or Saturday. Anyway, I never posted it. I forgot.

Welcome to the NEW EDITION of getting to know your friends. Okay here's what you're supposed to do and try not to be lame and spoil the fun: Just copy(not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you, then send this to a whole bunch of people you know "including" the person that sent it to you.

1. What is your full name? Cristal Bernal

2. What color pants are you wearing? Sweats, brotha. Grey.

3. What are you listening to right now? Modest Mouse. :D

4. What is the last thing you ate? Um. A sandwich. Mmhmm.

5. Do you wish on stars? I wish on the hope that wishes exist.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? A glittery blue, pink or Rainbow.

7. How is the weather right now? The weather seems fine. It's great compared to last week.

8. Last person you talked to on the phone? Um. My brother.

9. Do you like the person who sent you this? WOO. Of course. She's an old buddy of mine. ;)

10. How are you today? I am sleepy. Worked all weekend. But mooooneh will come rollin' later.

11. Favorite drink? Water, Freckled lemonade, and Blue Electric Long Island Iced Tea.

12. Favorite alcoholic drink? Hard liquor is great. Jack Daniels. Mmm. But, I am into anything but beer. Beer is ew.

13. Favorite sport? None, thank you.

14. Hair color? Um, black with purple and red.

15. Eye color? Poop brown.

16. Do you wear contacts? Nope.

17. . of siblings? I am the oldest of three sibs. From my mother's side. Dad's side, I am... third.

18. Favorite month? October.

19. Favorite food? CHINESE FOOD and uh... I dunno. Cup Noodles. Mmm.

20. Last movie you watched? Uh. I don't remember. Something on the History Channel on Frank Nitti. It was rockin'.

22. What do you do to vent anger? Um. Yeah.

23. What was your Favorite toy as a child? I had many. My father talks about two of them all the time. A Rainbow Bright doll and a My Little Pony.

24. Summer or winter? WINTER!

25. Kisses or hugs? Depends from who.

26. Chocolate or vanilla? Chooocolate.

27. Do you want your friends to email you back? Email? Heh.

28. Who is the most likely to respond? Um. It doesn't matter.

29. Who is least likely to respond? Doo doo dee doo...

30. Living arrangements? I still live with the 'rents.

31. When was the last time you cried? A few days ago.

32. What is under your bed? Nothing at all.

33. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Hmm. Friends. Friends.

34. What did you do last night? I worked last night.

36. What inspires you? Creativity. Art. Music.

37. What are you afraid of? Many things.

38. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? CHEESE.

39. Favorite car? 1970 Chevelle SS. Roooock.

40. Favorite flower? Sunflowers!

41. Number of keys on your key ring? Three. Woot.

42. Can you juggle? Bahahahahaha. No.

43. Favorite day of the week? Um. I dunno. Monday? Any day I am alone at home.

44. What did you do on your last birthday? I went out to eat at Black Angus and then over to Dave & Busters to play games. Galaga!

45. Do you own a donor card? Nope.

46. Do you like yourself? I have issues. :D

47. What book are you reading? Nothing. I tried. No go.

48. What's on your mouse pad? My mouse. ;) Oh, and Spongebob.

49. Favorite board game? Ouija? I don't have one.

50. What would you hate to be trapped in a room with? The 'rents.

And hell, why not. Here's more crap.

+ Known as: Out there: Cristal. In here: Oxie
+ Lives in: Ontario, Cauli-forni-ah.
+ Birthday: It's on the day the kids died and people celebrate weed. Oh, and Hitler's birthday.
+ School: Fuck school. Just don't tell the children I said that.
+ Religion: I just need faith.
+ Shoe size: 8.5/9
+ Hair color: Black with purple and red.
+ Eye color: Drk. Brown. I've kinda started liking it's browness. Chocolate brown :)
+ Style: Uh. Style Channel? My clothes style? What the fuck, man.

* section 2 - have you ever... * Ah, here we go.

+ Cheated on someone?: No.
+ Been Cheated on?: Eh...
+ Fallen off the bed?: Ha. Yes.
+ Broken someone’s heart?: I wouldn't know.
+ Had your heart broken?: Yah huh.
+ Had a dream come true?: Maybe. Not yet, anyway.
+ Done something you regret?: Who hasn't?
+ Cheated on a test?: Pfff. WHO HASN'T?

* section 3 - currently *

+ Wearing?: Um, my Slacker shirt, grey sweats and my sky-blue cardigan.
+ Listening to?: The radio. OLDIES. I feel good.
+ Located?: Have I locate- Oh, God. Fuck it. In my room. Shithole.
+ Chatting with?: No one. Maybe with myself. In my mind. Maybe.
+ Watching?: I am watching this black vertical stick make words come out of it's ass.
+ Should REALLY be doing? Sleeping.

* section 4 - do you... *

+ Brush your teeth?: Nah. I love having horrible breath. Just like everyone else does.
+ Have any piercings?: Two in my right ear. Three in my left.
+ Drive?: No. Fuck, man.
+ Drink?: Yah.
+ Smoke?: Nope.
+ Got a cell?: Yah. Kinda sucks having one at times.

* section 5 - the last person you... *

+ Hugged?: Um. Uh. I don't remember.
+ Kissed?: Um. How? I've never been kissed. Other than that, my brother.
+ IMed?: Kolin.
+ Talked on the phone: Sin.
+ Yelled at?: I don't remember.

* section 6 - personal *

+ What do you want to be when you finish college?: I did finish it and I AM DOING NOTHING worth posting about.
+ What has been the best day of your life?: That hasn't happened yet.
+ What comes first in your life?: My sister. Then Kolin. ;) Then my friends.
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: Yesssss. I'm taken. Leave me alone.
+ What are you most scared of?: Losing Kolin and my sister.
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: Kolin. Life. Kolin. Kolin.
+ Did you lose someone you really loved?: When? I have before, yes.
+ How many times have you fallen in love?: Twice. The first time means shit compared to the second time. It's lasted longer and it means more to me.
+ Love your family?: Ha. Maybe between my sister and I in this household.
+ Love your friends?: Yes. I tell them that I love them every time I remember to do so.
+ Are you a virgin?: Yes. YESSSSS. Yes. I may not act like one, but I am a virgin.

* section 7 - favorite *

+ Movie: Uh... I'll just say [insert cool-ass movie here]. Yeah, that one rocks.
+ Song: Right now? For You by Smile Empty Soul. Just because.
+ Band: Dead Poetic.
+ Store: Target.
+ Relative: Sin.
+ Sport: N/A. That stands for "No, asshole."
+ Ice Cream Flavor: Anything chocolate.
+ Fruit: Asian pears.
+ Candy: CHOCOLATE!
+ Day of the Week: Hmm. Aloneday.
+ Time: Any time spent with Kolin.
+ Color: Blue. Rainbow
+ Name for a Girl: Z.
+ Name for a Boy: X.

* section 8 - do you *

+ Like to give hugs?: Depends. But not really.
+ Like to give kisses?: Deeeeeepends. But no.
+ Like to walk in the rain?: I used to. Not anymore.
+ Prefer black or blue pens?: Black. Or red. Red. Red. I prefer red.
+ Like to travel?: Depends.
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back?: All over. I rotate a lot.
+ Have a goldfish?: Nope.
+ Ever have the falling dream?: Yah.
+ Have stuffed animals?: Many.

* section 9 - what do you think about... *

+ Abortion: It's not for me. That's all I care about for now.
+ Suicide: It's for the weak, the lost, the confused, the everything I am. I just can't do this to myself and everyone that's around me. It's selfish.
+ Smoking: It smells.
+ Eating disorders: Dah. We all have that.
+ Summer: UGH.
+ Tattoos: They're cool.
+ Piercings: They're great.

* section 10 - this or that *

+ Pierced nose or tongue?: Pierced septum.
+ Single or taken?: Taken, asshat.
+ MTV or BET?: N.O.T? How about CNN.
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek?: Hahaha. No.
+ Sugar or salt?: Salt.
+ Silver or gold?: Silver.
+ Chocolate or flowers?: Flowers.
+ Color or Black-and-white photos?: Both.
+ M&Ms or Skittles?: M&Ms!!!!
+ Stay up late or sleep in?: Stay up late.
+ Hot or cold?: Warm.
+ Mustard or ketchup?: KETCHUP.
+ Spring or Fall?: Fall.
+ Happy or sad?: Happy. Why would I want sad?
+ Wonder or amazement?: Wonder.
+ Mexican or Italian: Messican.
+ Candy or Soda?: Candy.
+ Pepsi or Coke?: Water.

Apple, peaches, pumpkin piiiiieee.... Okay, one more for the road.

Have you ever been called..

a slut? Yeah. Mostly from drivers.
a whore? Yeeeah. Drivers.
a lost cause? Not that I know of.
poor? Poor? Maybe.
a mama's child? No.
a zit-face? Nope. Hard to believe, too.
stinky? Yessss. Mari calls me that.
a bitch? Many, many, many times.
rude? Probably.
a satanist? Yeah. By my mother.
sexy? Ah -ha. Uh. I don't recal.
thoughtful? Yes. Many times.
bigoted? Nope.
ditzy? A few times.
insane? Yes.
flat-chested? *looks down at chest* Never.
an owner of breast implants? Pfft. They don't look that "good."
a member of the opposite sex? I've been called a "she-he." Ah, Jr. High days. Fuckers.
gorgeous? Yeap. :P
immature? Maybe.
too mature? Yeap.
older than your years? Yeeeeeah.
wiser than your years? I don't think so.
a hypocrite? Yes. By myself.
egotistical? Ha. No.
self-centered? I hope not.
flamboyant? Oh, stoooooop. No.
a bad singer? Nope.
a waste of space? Again. Myself.
a soulmate? Nope. Not that I remember.
a frump? Yeah.
a nerd or geek? Yeeeeah. In good meanings and bad meanings of the word.
a jock? No.
a prep? School girl.
a punk? Yeah. Mostly by people who wanted to lable me so badly.
a goth? Yes. That's the one that I get the most. Again, lables.
a retard? Yeap.

Last one. Promise.

BOLD ALL THAT APPLY

01. I'm single.
02. I love chocolate
03. I love Rent.
04. I have a MAJOR crush on Adam Pascal.
05. I think gay marriage should be approved.
06. I love to sing.
07. I enjoy scrapbooking. (I love the idea of it.)
08. I love the color red.
09. I hate scary movies.
10. I LOVE hugs.
11. I like to take pictures.
12. I am a blonde.
13. I love dark chocolate.
14. My parents are still together.
15. I get amused easily sometimes
16. I have a sister.
17. I love Strong Bad.
18. I want to go to college.
19. I love The Nightmare Before Christmas.
20. I am afraid of losing loved ones.
21. I hate social studies.
22. Math is pointless.
23. I know that I need more sleep!
24. I like to write poetry.
25. Hypocrites piss me off.
26. I want my driver's permit!
27. I get emotionally involved.
28. I'm obsessed with musical theater.
29. I love fall.
30. I love to write.
31. I love evanessence.
33. I'm in school plays.
34. I'm a Fine Arts student.
35. I believe in God.
36. I tend to hate jerks. (tend?)