Stand Inside Your Love - The Smashing Pumpkins

[July 1, 2005]

Eh. I did plan to post something yesterday, but nothing came up. And I got busy talking to Nanji and Mick. :D

I asked Dad if he could give me a ride over to Best Buy so I could get myself a headset/mic. The mic that I had before was horrible. This one is much better. I use it more as speakers, though. Now I can get some privacy. So, honey? You need Yahoo or MSN now. :D That way, you can talk to me or "hear my voice" when you can. :D On our way there my dad was actually listening to some Mexican rap shit. "Chingo Bling." That's the name of the dude. Heh. The guy was stupid, but funny. I laughed more because MY dad was listening to this crap. So, I tried out my mic as soon as I got home. I had a few complications, but I eventually got it. I actually got to hear Nanjito's voice for the first time. ;) I had fun talking to him. I moved on to Mick after that. I also tried my mic out with Darin and Colette. It didn't work with Colette at the time. :l Heh.

And at work. Boring, but not SO boring. It was cool. I was running out of change like fuck the whole night there. I had to keep asking the waiters and my manager for change. I wish the "boss" was more up to speed with the business. Ohhhhh. And Richard (the bartender) wanted to talk to me for a second. Which was odd because he doesn't really talk to me about anything. It's a rare. Most of the time he just makes fun of me. Anyway, he asked me if he could have Kolin's email. I thought, "What the fuck?" I asked him why and he said that he just wanted it. I told him, 1) You have to tell me why. 2) It's up to him. (The hell I will give him his email). He said that he wanted to email him "when he was coming over." I thought, "Why the fuck do you care?" I just said, "When ever he feels like it." He gave me this weird look, so I quickly said, "When he CAN, then." Shit. It's up to him. Not me. But the fact that Richard asked me for his email threw me off. Big time.

I didn't give it to him. :D

XD!!!

sagopa_highvoltage: hi
theoxiemoron: Hello.
sagopa_highvoltage: how are you
theoxiemoron: Tired, restlesss, bored. Blah, blah. Yourself?
sagopa_highvoltage: i m finr
sagopa_highvoltage: have you cam
theoxiemoron: Ah. I see.
theoxiemoron: Uh... nah.
theoxiemoron: I don't.
theoxiemoron: Ehhhh.
theoxiemoron: I think I should pass.
sagopa_highvoltage: are you seeing me
theoxiemoron: I didn't accept.
sagopa_highvoltage: accept me
theoxiemoron: Yeeeeeah. Like I said.
theoxiemoron: Not up for it right now.
sagopa_highvoltage: sont you want to see me
theoxiemoron: Nah. Not interested in camming at the moment. Sorry.
sagopa_highvoltage: dont you
sagopa_highvoltage: where are you frpm
theoxiemoron: The wesssiiiiiiide.
sagopa_highvoltage: where is it i dont know
theoxiemoron: California.
sagopa_highvoltage: ok
sagopa_highvoltage: age
sagopa_highvoltage: asl
theoxiemoron: TWENTY TWO.
theoxiemoron: ASL Eww.
sagopa_highvoltage: plz
sagopa_highvoltage: have you got boy friend
theoxiemoron: I sure damn do.
sagopa_highvoltage: where are you
theoxiemoron: In my room?
sagopa_highvoltage: are you home
theoxiemoron: Oh yeeah. Does that turn you on?
theoxiemoron: *rolls eyes*
sagopa_highvoltage: whose eyes
theoxiemoron: Oy. Nevermind.
sagopa_highvoltage: mine
theoxiemoron: I've never seen your eyes.
theoxiemoron: So. No.
sagopa_highvoltage: ok
sagopa_highvoltage: u
theoxiemoron: Me.
sagopa_highvoltage: iy is wrong sorry
theoxiemoron: Huh?
sagopa_highvoltage: sorry
sagopa_highvoltage: what time is it at now there
theoxiemoron: 1 in the AM.
sagopa_highvoltage: at nigt
theoxiemoron: Uh. Yeah. Sure.
sagopa_highvoltage: have you boy frsend
sagopa_highvoltage: friend
theoxiemoron: I- DAMMIT!
theoxiemoron: YES! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. I've already made that clear.
sagopa_highvoltage: am i handsome,
theoxiemoron: I haven't seen you?
sagopa_highvoltage: why
sagopa_highvoltage: at now
theoxiemoron:Yeah. I also made it clear that I don't want cam at the moment.
sagopa_highvoltage: are you seeing
theoxiemoron: *TEARS HAIR OUT*
theoxiemoron:Yeah. I am. You're fucking horrible. Goodnight.
sagopa_highvoltage: can i fuck you
sagopa_highvoltage: i want to fuck your vagina
theoxiemoron: CHRIST. YOU SUCK!
sagopa_highvoltage: :-*

HAAAW! :)

priest_hans75: Whaaadddup?!
theoxiemoron: AHAHA.
priest_hans75: 30/m/iowa here with pics and mic
priest_hans75: u?
theoxiemoron: AH, AH!!!!!!
theoxiemoron: I am 22 and yeah and no mic.
priest_hans75: there is a pic now
priest_hans75: sorry
priest_hans75: what you doing?
theoxiemoron: Actually, I was intensely reading old conversation logs that my guy and I had.
priest_hans75: lol
priest_hans75: that sounds fun
theoxiemoron: It's fun looking back.
theoxiemoron: Yah.
priest_hans75: (not really)
theoxiemoron: :O
priest_hans75: lol
theoxiemoron: I see.
priest_hans75: i am bored
theoxiemoron: Teh. Welcome to the fucking clun.
theoxiemoron: CLUB.
priest_hans75: lol
theoxiemoron: Do you know what is worse? Being restless.
theoxiemoron: That's horrible.
priest_hans75: u need a damn mic 2
priest_hans75: lol
priest_hans75: i love hearing a sexy voice
priest_hans75: lol
theoxiemoron: How about a sexy Urkle voice?
theoxiemoron: I have that kind of voice.
priest_hans75: lol
priest_hans75: that would work right now
priest_hans75: lol
priest_hans75: really really in the mood to take care of this here thing
priest_hans75: lol
theoxiemoron: Ohhh. I seee. Well, you can always uh, I dunno. Alert the media?
priest_hans75: lol
priest_hans75: i am alerting u
priest_hans75: good enough?
priest_hans75: :D
theoxiemoron: Nah. There HAS to be some other chick who's willing. I have a boyfriend. He'd kill you.
priest_hans75: if he knew... is he home?
priest_hans75: lol
theoxiemoron: Nah. He doesn't live with me. Unfortunately.
priest_hans75: lol
priest_hans75: see, could use some release
theoxiemoron: I can hold it for him.
priest_hans75: u can listen to me sit here stroking my long rock hard fat cock till i cum all over my abs and chest thinking about sliding a couple fingers deep inside that hot tight dripping wet pink pussy and flicking my toungue in circles across that hard clit of yers
priest_hans75: if u want
priest_hans75: lol
theoxiemoron: Was that a cut and paste? Yeah. No thanks. I am not interested.
priest_hans75: no, typing with one hand is slow
priest_hans75: lol
theoxiemoron: Haaw. Yeah. I bet.
priest_hans75: u dont wanna listen to me explode this hot load all over myself?
theoxiemoron: Nah. I know some guys over at the Gay chatrooms that would be, though.
priest_hans75: lol
priest_hans75: k
priest_hans75: later
theoxiemoron: Good luck.
priest_hans75: sorry to bother u

BAAAAHAHAHA!

theoxiemoron: Thanks.
theoxiemoron: AH!
theoxiemoron: Also nice DP.
cgen78: ty
cgen78): yours as well
cgen78: are those your real eyes?
theoxiemoron: No way, man. The blue is just the reflection from my screen and the red is Photoshoped.
cgen78: cool
cgen78: you're hot
theoxiemoron: Lol Thanks? Just from weird angles.
cgen78: got any more "wierd angles"?
theoxiemoron: Heh heh.
theoxiemoron: Nah.
cgen78 thats a shame
theoxiemoron: Ah. Yeeeeah. Sorry. I am reading Super old conversastions I had with my guy.
theoxiemoron: I didn't know they were still here.
cgen78: o ok

theoxiemoron: AH.
theoxiemoron: Sure.
adhamelfeshawy: asl
theoxiemoron Whoa. My- Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.
theoxiemoron: ASL IS THE DEVIL!
adhamelfeshawy: 22/m
adhamelfeshawy: u ?
theoxiemoron: Female.
theoxiemoron: 22.
theoxiemoron: Yeh.
adhamelfeshawy: from wherr?
theoxiemoron: Californai
theoxiemoron: Meh. *California
adhamelfeshawy: do u have cam ?
theoxiemoron: Nope.
adhamelfeshawy: can i ask u question ?
theoxiemoron: Sure?
adhamelfeshawy: do u love sex?
theoxiemoron: I have never had it.

I sure know how to turn them off :D

Bored THE FUCK OUT.

I actually went into a Yahoo chat. "Metal." These kids are... *sigh*

vergispeter: hi
theoxiemoron: Hello.
vergispeter: from?
theoxiemoron: Hmm. I'd say a cave, but I'm from California.
vergispeter: Y SO
theoxiemoron: Excuse me?
vergispeter: wt abt
theoxiemoron: Uh... sorry. I have NO idea what you're "saying."
vergispeter: ok
vergispeter: r u busy
theoxiemoron: Well, I have a little bit of The ADD, so I tend to multitask.
vergispeter: ok i should nt disturb then
vergispeter: bye
theoxiemoron: Take care now. Have fun. Use a condom.
vergispeter: wish u all the best
theoxiemoron: Thanks.

Save me. :(

Dammit. Why couldn't any of you guys be closer to where I lived? I couldn't we ALL live closer to each other. Do you think that would be a good idea? Or would be drive each other crazy. ;)

I dunno. I can't seem to bring myself to go outside and take a walk. I have nowhere to go. Shiiiiiiiit. Meh. Forget it.

I- FUCK. NO.

Another one.

I was... here, actually. Anyway. Another earthquake. I knew I felt something. I wasn't sure, though. Woo.

A big one is gonna hit soon. Like a BIG one. Big enough to break shit. Hmm.

She has left.

She explained everything and is gone for two weeks.

Back to the future to the past to the- Yeah.

Today is Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Typist block.

I got all my financial aid out of the way. I am still unsure if I am doing the right thing. I got a warning on Monday when I went back:

"Don't do it, it's a death trap..."

So, what if it is? It's a non-visible death trap...

"Just kidding."

I bet you were, buddy.

Of course, I didn't say anything. I just gave a quick thanks-for-the-info-smile. Worthless. BUT HEY! At least people in here have a good sense of morbid humor.

I am on my way...

I wish I still wrote like that. Short, sweet, and to the point.

Today is Saturday, May 18, 2002

I saw naked pictures of my old psychology teacher last night. I was in his home working on his computer. After awhile I was tired and decided to take a breather, so I clicked off the browser and out of nowhere pictures of his naked self started to appear. It was all a blur, but I know what I saw. I was a little embarrassed and backed away from the computer. He looked up and calmly asked me to go back and click the pictures away. Boy, I wished he would have ignored it and pretended like it didn't happen, but no, I was forced to look at them once more. I wish it didn't happen.

So, yeah...I'm glad it was all a dream.

I mean...can you imagine that happening to YOU?

I like going back and reading shit I've forgotten.

She's baaaack.

Mari just got back from Hawaii about an hour ago. She was only gone for eight days. I was chatting when I heard her jingling bracelets and went out there to give her a big hug. She gave me my Hawaii gift. It's a DONKEY!!!!!! "OMG! A donkeeeeeeyyy!" She knows I love donkeys. :D It's funny that she remembered because very little people (if any) know I like donkeys. I think you'd have to pay very close attention to me in order to know. It's the kind of detail that even I wouldn't remember. :P So, yeah. That was nice.

I was in a good mood today. Not bad. Despite the fact that Julian dropped the Mother Bomb on me while I was at work today. "Hey, Cristal. Mom is leaving."

Me: What?? She's leaving?? Wha-
Him: Shh. Is David there? Don't say anything. He's not supposed to know.
Me: But wait, she's leaving? Where? When?
Him: Tomorrow. She's going to Mexico.
Me: Oh. Uh...
Him: Yeah. She said something about not being able to be cared for over here so she's going over there for two weeks to get something done to her ovaries or some shit. I dunno. But we're on our own for two weeks.
Me: Oh.
Him: And Mari is going over at my tia's.
Me: Okay.

And then I changed the subject. I truly thought my mother was leaving us like she almost did a few years ago. Well, she did, but only for a week. She meant to leave us forever. Or me, really. My brother and sister weren't around to witness it all. She has talked about leaving many times before.. She's mad a David, but meh. Ass. He's a fucking idiot. He heard me after all. He asked me, but I just told him it was nothing.

David: She's leaving me, huh?
Me: I dunno. I can't say.
David: *stares* Yeah. She is.
Me: Look, I'm not crying, so it's nothing to worry about.
David: Crying?
Me: Yeah, like the last time she left us. It's nothing.

After that, I was in a good mood. It was odd. But I was. I didn't feel a thing. She seems well right now, too. She actually got out of her room to greet my sister.

My donkeeeeey. Oh yeah. He comes with his little passport attached to him and it says that his name is 'Ekake Ha'u Lani.' (pronounced: ay-KAH-kay HA-oo LAH-nee) It means "The Donkey who sings in the heavens." The story explains it. I don't want to. :) It also has two sacks of coffee on his sides. Hmm. Pictures? Yeah. I should.

Just a little note.

You'll hate me for this, but...

Happy Birthday, Nanj. :)

I had to.

Wow.

Hey Crista! =)

I hope this is your house & that you still live here. It's me, Juliette. Call me.

I came by @ 4:14 PM Friday. Just came by to say hi! :P

Mmhmm. She came by. Surprised the fuck out of me. I hadn't heard from her since... she asked me to go to her wedding. I didn't go. I wrote her an email explaining why and that was the last that I heard from her. I didn't feel good about sending her that email. I truly felt that I broke that friendship up. I had my reasons.

But she came by today. Sadly, I wasn't home. I was at work by four. Maybe if she would have come by at that time around two weeks ago... But, I might call her tomorrow during my break. I do miss her and I want to know what's going on in her life. If she has a baby or not. That sort of thing. It threw me off. I didn't think she was even thinking about me anymore.

Proved me wrong.

As for work. I need to find another job. Period. I am thinking of Borders. We'll see.

Browsing through BME.

This is the kind of tattoo I would get. When I grow the balls to actually get one. I feel that once I get one, I'll get 15 more just so I won't be bored with what I got first. Anyway. It's nice. Simple. Cute. Not sure if it's original, but it's nice. I love that style of drawing. Lines. Little or no color. Tim Burton-esque. I would get something smaller, though. I dunno.

We have the same keyboard. I noticed.

Ink Filled Scars: Hi baby

I am Oxie Moron: I sent the other one.
I am Oxie Moron: ;-)
Ink Filled Scars: *growls*
Ink Filled Scars: woo
I am Oxie Moron: lol
I am Oxie Moron: I actually LIKE my neck in that last picture.
I am Oxie Moron: If I were a twin, I'd make out with myself.
I am Oxie Moron: Not to sound like a- whatever. You know.
Ink Filled Scars: And if that happened..
Ink Filled Scars: sweet
I am Oxie Moron: lol
Ink Filled Scars: Two Cristals
Ink Filled Scars: Rock ass
I am Oxie Moron: Hell no.
Ink Filled Scars: I'd have fun with that.
I am Oxie Moron: The world only needs one of me.
I am Oxie Moron: Oh, I know you would.
Ink Filled Scars: *sings* Double the Cristal.. Double the.. WOOHOO
I am Oxie Moron: LOL

I had fun, babe :)

I love you.

I want to be a Harajuku Girl when I grow up.

You are an ~*Elegant Lolita*~
Lovely, but cool and never seen without your
coffin-shaped bag. The colour of your dress is
mostly black and sometimes white... or both.
Your favorite Lolita shops are "Emily
temple cute" and "Black peace
now".
You like it simple, but pretty... you look
sometimes a little dangerous, but always
elegant... =^.^=


What kind of Gothic Lolita are you? (Japanese - Lifestyle for girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Not even close to the answers that I picked.

Speaking of Gothic Lolitas (EGLs for short). I LOVE THEM. I wish I could own one. But alas, they are real humans. I love this look (as much as I love "Harajuku fashion"). I also wish I could get away with this look. It's mostly for babydoll faced girls. Japanese girls pull it off the best. They look beautiful. Just read about it. I found a gallery here. ;) There's a girl in there with black teddy bear ears (which I am jealous over) and she's holding the CUTEST kitty ever. It's face. *whimpers*

Man, it's been getting hotter. I've been chewing my nails like crazy. I am restless about something, but I don't know what.

So, I was in the crapper this evening reading a book-yes, I do that sometimes-and I never realized what a funny book "The Dilbert Future" was. I've had that book for YEARS and I've never read it. My father came to me one evening and said, "Hey, here's a book I found in a thrift store. I saw that it had a cartoon on the cover and it was cheap. It made me think of you." Okay, so he didn't say THAT exactly, but he just gave me the book. He must have assumed that I would like it because it was a book with a cartoon on it. So, I took it. "Yeeeeah. Thanks... Dad." I appreciated the book as a gift. Nothing more. And just today, before going to the john, I was contemplating on which book to take in there ('cause I thought I had a feeling that I was going to be there for a while) and "The Dilbert Future" caught my eye. I thought, "EH, why not. I am stuck with it, might as well read a bit." I started to read it and BOOM. I actually laughed. And not at just one paragraph. At EVERYTHING. I took that book for a walk with me. I went over to school and sat at my bench spot and read for 30 minutes. I can't wait to read the rest when boredom hits me.

It's HOOOOOT! >:(

I need to cool off. I wanted to type more, but I can't seem to get anything out. Restlessss.

Fuck.

Bored.

About the CD I got today.

Some might say, "Ænima? Where have you been? That came out almost a decade ago!" Well yeah. But then again... I was 13 when that CD came out and around then I was still stuck on my Oldies and dance music. Nothing could get me away from that. Ah yes. I remember the first time I heard of Tool. I was nine or ten and heavily into my Beavis and Butt-Head (plus other weirdness). If it weren't for that show, I wouldn't know as much as I do now. And I KNEW the bands, I knew them in my heart, but for some reason I never bothered to express them. I know for a fact that if you met me at nine or ten, you wouldn't know or believe that I had actually heard of bands like Pantera, Metallica, or hell, even The Dead Milkmen. Then again, not even I believed I did. It sort of went into my right ear and stayed there for many years. Hiding away inside the back of my mind to be stored for future purposes. I loved music as a kid, but I never got "into it" as most people do. I believe it's because I didn't have any older brothers or sisters around me to help me with that. I didn't have the older sibs to whom I could have stolen their CDs from and give them a listen to and experience something most nine year olds never do at that age. Those things my sister does because of me now. She's lucky.

I didn't start to get into the "rock" genre until I was 14 and by "get into" I mean fully. Yes, I was still listening to a little bit of Oldies and Pop, but by then my attention was fully directed to "rock" music. I made that transition from Hanson/'N Sync to Korn. And I was hated for that (for the most part). People couldn't understand why or HOW I could like the two bands. At the same time. It was like some kind of mind fuck to them that I never understood (and I still sort of don't). To me it WASN'T just about listening to "pop" or "rock." To me it was about listening to music. Oh yeah. That's right. MUSIC. Because that's what it was to me. Nowadays I've somehow settled into listening to music that's mostly played in your local metal/alternative radio stations or Purevolume. That doesn't mean that I won't listen to anything else, that's just where I've settled. And I believe that I have a LOT of catching up to do. I believe I know a little bit more than most people (I really do), but I still feel like I don't know enough. Why? Because I want to know everything. I don't care to know about just ONE genre. I want to know them all. *I* want to BE VH1. Why only pay attention to one thing? But I can't do that. It's too much for my brain and frankly, who needs to know THAT much. That includes music from other COUNTRIES. But still. I sometimes I hate the fact that I don't know what's out there anymore. It doesn't help that I don't listen to the radio as much (if at all) as I used to. So many bands, so little time. You can only devote your time towards certain artists. That's why I can't commit to just one band. It's just not possible. Not with the way I think anyway. I have to make room for others. I have to try. Why? Because I am into other things. Music isn't my life. It's a PART of my life. Just like the other art forms are. All the literature, photography, paintings, body modification, graphic design, crafts, etc. It never ends! And even THERE, much like music, they have genres that never stop. It's like one big fucking tree of art with zillions upon zillions of branches, roots, leaves... living creatures. When you open your mind to it... it's just amazing what we have. Everything from the first note of a song to the first stroke of a paintbrush... it's a start for something (sometimes) revolutionary. And I just realized this.

And today, while waiting to go to work, I was sitting on my bed watching TV while my brother and sister hung around. I was listening to Ænima and when Track 3 hit at 3:30, I stopped. I heard that beautiful break of H. and I was gone. For that moment, I was elsewhere. Julian and Mari tried to get my attention, but it wasn't working. I was too far gone. The rest of the time I had this energy that I haven't had in a long while and I didn't realize I had it until it was almost time to go home. And even then. I was sitting at the bar waiting for Julian to pick me up, listening to H. Listening to that break. And I was gone once again. Liz came by and I had this urge to share it with her. And I tried to explain it to her, explain to her how it made me feel. I was getting goosebumps tying to express what I was listening to. I got this urge to cry inside because I truly felt great about being alive. This rarely happens to me. I was just happy. Because for a moment I felt so fucking good inside and it made everything else, all the bad in life, seem distant.

But only for a moment. I'm pessimistic. This will not last.

I feel that today was the day I was supposed to buy this CD. Not back in '96 or last year. Today. I shouldn't beat myself so much for not getting things when everyone else does. I'll get my chance sooner or later and if I never do... it wasn't meant to be in my life.

"Guys..you should read this. Nice girls...I know you'll enjoy it."

No I didn't write this, but it explains everything.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations(thank-you girls, it only made me stronger) that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have been called "one of the guys" and that's IT...would you rather us prance around like a little princess, or let us be ourselves and ACTUALLY get along with all your friends...ya thats what i thought.*in the end, you'll be looking for the best friend, the one you share the most with, the one who is just like you, who you can do anything with, tell anything to, and understands where your coming from.* This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend. This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy...and the flowers(to my angels in disguise, i love you girls so much that words can't explain); this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames(we really dont, it's you), that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race. So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat .

and finally...where is mr. perfect? who won't do the things written above. if you know, please tell me :)

I know it was long, but I thought it was good enough to pass along.

Woo!

I just got Ænima.

Looooove.

Guess what?

SINTHEDORK: Hey AUNTIE CRISTAL
I am Oxie Moron: WHAT?!
I am Oxie Moron: No way.
SINTHEDORK: yeah this time for reals

Good or bad?

David just asked me a while ago to call our manager to ask him if our schedules have changed. Since I started working there over a year ago I've always gone in at five, but tomorrow I will go in a four. Does that mean I will get to leave an hour early? HA. I doubt it. So, five hours on Fridays. In restaurant time... that's forever. Unless there's a big crowd. Which doesn't happen that often. Got an extra hour. So...

Good.

I just hope they don't take away my Saturday mornings. Yeah, I work all day, but that's okay. I need the money. Not unless they are willing to give me an extra day of work. Then I would be okay with it.

Wew.

Yeh. Today wasn't bad. I didn't have any kind of breakdowns and such. I did ignore the sibs a bit, but nothing ugly. I still detest David, though. I hate to even know he's around the same zip code as me. He's been very bitchy about everything as of late and I haven't talked to him since Sunday. I really want to knock some sense into him. We got into an argument this past Sunday over how my brother dresses. OVER HOW MY BROTHER DRES-SES. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I just talked with my dad right now. He sounds very sad. Even the last time I talked to him he sounded sad. I'd ask him what's up, but I know that he'll just change the subject. Eh.

I've been very off. So OFF that when Eileen called me this week, it dawned on me, "I didn't call her to say 'Happy Birthday.'" I fucking suck. And even then, I didn't tell her because I felt like such a shit. Since I've known her, I have never failed to give her something, make her something, or give her a call. It totally slipped my mind this year.

When it comes to being here and my family... I really rather be alone. Right now.

5.3 4.9

I was doing my hair when the earthquake hit. It wasn't like the one that hit this past Sunday (I think). This one went BOOM. I opened the door to check on my brother and sister and I saw my brother bolting out of my room all the way outside of our home. My sister just sat in the living room. She stared at my brother and gave him a o_Ô before she went back to her TV watching. I laughed. Julian hates earthquakes. I couldn't stop shaking, though. Earthquakes usually don't phase me, but because this one hit hard pretty fast I got a bit shaken about it. Heh. Shaken.

After the shake the sibs turned to the news and we got a look at the Richter Scale. You should SEE that fucker. It's like --------------BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. From a straight line to BOOM. Heh. I wonder if they have a picture of it around somewhere. Maybe later.

I had a small erruption a while ago and it lead to crying for a good 30 minutes. I cried harder when I got the urge to cut myself again. I didn't want to do it, but I got a hold of my razor anyway. I cried while holding it. I sat in front of my chair and hoped that I wouldn't do it. I stabbed my chair while I cried. I couldn't stop crying. I made a fist and beat my head. I don't know why I started crying in the first place. I just wanted Kolin to be with me at that moment. I needed him to hold me while I cried. I remembered his emails and I quickly took my stash out. I started to read them. I cried even harder as I went through them. I called for him and told him that I missed him. But eventually I calmed down and I started smiling and laughing. I didn't even have to go through them all to get better.

I love you.

Feh Pt. 2

Gavin and I didn't take that nap after all. Well, almost, but it didn't work out. I didn't feel like napping. I put Gavin back in his pad and soon after my grandmother came back. I was agitated. I spent my time in my room trying to figure out what to do. I grabbed my composition book, a couple of markers, and some Breaking Benjamin. I headed out. I went to the high school and sat down in one of their school tables. I doodled a bit, wrote a bit. I wasn't that comfortable while I was there. There were people around. I was feeling a little bit anxious. I still am. The thought of people, mostly having contact with them, has been making me nervous. I went home cold and anxious of getting there. Clutching my hands together. I wasn't happy about going back. Every time I am in here I get this sinking feeling of loneliness and then anxiety hits because I can't escape it. I can't leave here. I don't know how to. I don't have anywhere to go. There's nothing out there for me right now. Nothing close, anyway.

Feh.

I am so fucking bored.

I'm the only one at home, which is a fucking plus, but I am still bored. Just me and Gavin. He loves walking all over me. Ah. Maybe we'll take a nap together.

777

That was him. He loves licking my hands. :P I gave him a bath today, too54r.

Dammit. Lol. He's licking my hands right now. Lol. It tickles. Feels like sandpaper, though.

33333333333333333yhhhhhhhhhhh

Yeah. He says hi.

The twinkling lights are back.

I tried to keep my mind off things today. I do everyday, but I think I did alright today. I've been playing with Gavin everyday, too. On and off throughout the whole day. He keeps me well distracted for a while. I've been talking to him a lot, too. Sort of like I would a person. Only not because I don't talk to people that much. I talk to the cat more than I do my own family. I'm going to give him another bath tomorrow. He loves sleeping in the garage where all the tools are. I can't have him smelling like a hammer. :S I even took a short walk today. I put Modest Mouse in my bag and took one of my books. I went over to my spot at my high school and sat there for a while. Some Mexican guy came up to me today asking where a specific class was. He asked if I knew Spanish first. Instead of telling him where to go like I did to this man before him, I just took him to the class. I didn't feel like talking much. He told me his life story on the way there. People tend to do that. I do it too. I went home after an hour of reading and played with Gavin some more.











It's hard to take pictures of this little fucker. I can't get him to stay still.

"Here's a thought..."

If you're willing to listen.

I love that song. Can you hear me now? Listen. Whispers in the wind. Listen. Don't push love away. You know you do. It's all we have.

I made the mistake of going to bed early even though I took a nap this evening. Trying to go to bed early only resulted in beating myself up again. It wouldn't leave me alone. I don't understand why I let this happen, why I murder myself to the point of crying so much with ridiculous thoughts. I don't even know where they come from.

I can't deal with relationships of any kind. I can't be a daughter, or a sister, a co-worker or a friend. Or a girlfriend. I can't be anything. Those thoughts. They've mostly been about Kolin. Why would I want to "break up" with him anyhow? There's no valid reason to want to let him go other than my fucked up way of thinking. Or the way I see myself. Why would anyone want to be with someone who's so insecure? Someone who has their self-esteem so low, it's practically non-existent at times. I only make him sad when I am this way. And I can't stop it. I often tell myself that I should let him go in hopes that he would find someone better. Someone he can go to when he's down. Someone he can see, touch, smell... and someone who would let him love her. I replay that in my mind everyday. I know, in my heart, that's not what I want. I want him. I can't tell him who to love, either. Who am I to say? He chose me. I just wish I could accept that.

But how can I? I've never been in a physical relationship with anyone. Ever. Especially an intimate one. I've never been intimate with ANYONE other than maybe a stuffed animal or a pet. And I don't mean anything sexual. I CAN'T be. I find it hard to even think about hugging my own family. I don't know how to react to them anymore. Or with anyone for that matter. I find it easier to push everyone away. I find it easier to just be a loner and not have contact with anyone. At least that way, I would be the only one hurting. Yeah, that sounds narcissistic. That's another thing. I feel that it's always about me. That everyone revolves their life around me. That everyone cares too much. What kind of bullshit is that? I am so fucking full of it. "Do you think you matter THAT much?" No. But why do I feel that way anyway? I HATE that about myself. I fucking loathe it. I am not the only one who feels this way. Who hurts and hates. The same fucking bullshit that I always fucking whine about. Bullshit, bullshit. Bull. Shit.

It's all shit. And this isn't even half of what I think about. I can't think straight right now, so I can't get it all out.

Sharing.

I did with everyone at work. So, I will share with you now. I love this.

Ah. Yeah.

So, I am currently using my new desk. It is way smaller than my old one and exactly like my sister's, but I love it. Little space, little placement for objects and such. I'll just have to find space for my many books and whatnots. My room is still a mess, but I will clean it up this coming week. And rearrange it again. I miss facing my big window.

I got it on sale for $50. I saw another one in there for 100, but why? I wanted to get it, but I could use those $50 for something else. Julian took me to Office Depot so he could carry the box out. After that he asked me if I was hungry and I wasn't really hungry, but he was so we went over to McD's. I hadn't eaten there in forever. I got myself the usual. McNuggets. We went back to his car and as we sat down, Julian ritually prayed "Please work. Please work." The car didn't start. He tried again. Again. Again. Many times. Nothing. He was getting frustrated and pissed off. I started shutting down. He called people. Nothing. No one. My dad called and my mother went off. "I hate this fucking car. It's dead. Ya no sirve. Mandalo a la chingada." The more he cursed, the more I shut my mind off. We sat in his car for 45 minutes before it started up again. Eesh.

We got home and I quickly finished doing my laundry and started on putting my desk together. It took both of us an hour and 30 minutes. I did most of the work. :P I love putting certain things together. It's fun to look at the pictures and put things where they belong. I only had time to take the old desk out and put the new one in it's place. After that, I got ready for work.

I officially met the new guy today. I had assumed that he was my boss, but he's not. The restaurant is going to be turned into some chain restaurant. He took me in the back and had a quick chat with me, gave me my money, and let me get back to work. I should seriously consider getting a second job. Something during the week. I need money, I need things, I need to help my mom. And I need to spend less time in my room and less time in here. I just don't know what I am looking for right now.

I also feel like I am gaining my weight back. It doesn't seem to be that way because my clothes still fit, but I can see my face getting bigger. Or something. I just feel fat. I am, but I hate feeling it.

I spent most of my day trying to hide my wrist. There would be times where I'd forget that I had anything on it. Because I can't feel a thing. Thank God for cute little beaded bracelets. :D I am actually calm right now. Not better, but calm. And every time I look at it, I feel alright.

I can't get under my dead skin. I can't shed my skin. Can I sleep 'till then?

What a mess.

Finally. I've blown up. I've been rather quiet about it. I tried to rearrange my room again (I get sick of it a lot) and I ended up breaking my desk. That was smarts. I might buy one tomorrow. I punished myself for being stupid and I am not done doing that yet. I felt nothing. Not even the after pain. I've also decided to throw away my shit. Clothes, pictures, drawings, memories... my possessions. I want to have as little as possible. It's all driving me crazy. I don't need all of this shit. I want to get rid of it all. I threw away candy that I've saved since four years ago. I ate some of it.

I find it hard to get out of this. Just two days ago I was talking to Lisa about how I am better than my self-destructive ways and that I don't need to take it far. I agreed with her and I told her that I wasn't planning on doing it anymore. But I knew better. I knew as soon as I said that, I would fall soon. And I did. I actually almost BELIEVED that I was doing better. Foolish. I felt guilty telling her that I was. I wasn't cutting, but I was drinking, downing pills, and beating myself mentally to no end. I don't even know why I bother to get better anymore. I always fail. It will always be like this for me. That's how I see it. I am either going to be okay or pseudo-suicidal. But never great. Because I am selfish.

It's all good, though. I cried for a good while and I managed to calm myself down after a good beating. Until next time.

Screw it.

I like Guro.

Certain aspects of it.

But I like it.

It's back.

Worse Than Hell.

How could the absence last?

Despite Possible Poisoning, T-Shirt Hell Brings Back Their Most Offensive Shirts.

LAS VEGAS--(BUSINESS WIRE)--June 7, 2005—Las Vegas based internet company T-Shirt Hell.com made a name for itself by selling t-shirts that no other site would dare to offer. They had shirts that satirized 9/11; racial and religious stereotypes; even the recent Tsunami. Last month, they took down their most offensive shirts and went as far as to issue an apology. Today, those same shirts are available, again. Why the sudden change of heart, and change of heart, again?

Founder, Owner, and President Aaron Schwarz released the following statement: “Towards the end of April I believe an attempt was made on my life. This was not an idle threat: this was a trip to the emergency room. The doctors tell me that whatever I ingested, it came close to killing me.”

“I believe the motivation behind the attack was the ‘Worse Than Hell’ section of my website.” said Schwarz. “Someone was so offended; they decided I deserved to die or to at least be seriously hurt.” Unfortunately for Schwarz, the list of people with that motive includes just about everyone on the planet. “Who have I offended?” asked Schwarz. “How much time do you have?”

“I took down ‘Worse Than Hell’ because we needed some time to sort things out.” said Schwarz. “I was concerned for the safety of my family and my employees. So, we let everybody know what happened and that the stakes had been raised. Anybody who didn’t want to stay was free to go. With the exception of one employee, everyone has decided to stick it out. My family and friends have supported the decision to bring the shirts back.”

“I take great comfort from the fact that my employees and my family stood behind me. We’ve also received an enormous amount of support from our fans. Most continued to shop with us while they called us cowards and sellouts. That was nice, too.”

Schwarz is sticking with one change he announced last month: that is his desire to help those less fortunate than himself. “Which is pretty much everybody.” jokes the millionaire entrepreneur. He is still going to donate up to 30% of his profits to charities that are involved with the groups, and events he satirizes on his site, as well as groups that support free speech.

"I’ve decided that I'm willing to be a martyr for freedom of speech and even though I may be risking my life, it’s a chance I’m willing to take for a philosophy I believe in." said Schwarz. "If people can’t take a joke, that’s their problem. What I do is comedy. I have no ill intentions, just a passionate, crude sense of humor. If someone wants to kill me over a funny t-shirt, so be it."

If you get offended by these shirts... you're a douche. Get over it.

Asleep - The Smiths

Sing me to sleep...
Sing me to sleep...
I'm tired and I,
I want to go to bed...

Sing me to sleep...
Sing me to sleep...
And then leave me alone...
Don't try to wake me in the morning,
'Cause I will be gone.

I am so sleepy. I've been waking up early for a few weeks now. 9AM early. :l And because of that, I've been going to bed before midnight. I see no valid point in staying up that late anymore. And I am losing reason to come online as often as I do, too. I asked Julian to take me to Walmart after I lend him $100 from me. I needed to buy some photo paper so I could print some pictures for Dad. He came around this evening with Karina to pick up the pictures. He also took Mari and I for a ride around Chino. I can still smell cow shit. It was nice, though. I was too sleepy and thinking too much to enjoy it. I played with Julian's cat for a while. Soon after Lisa called me and we talked for an hour and thirty minutes. My ear was hurtin' pretty bad, but it was a great conversation. So...

Let's see. Ramiro isn't my boss anymore. I found out Wednesday that he had sold the restaurant. I saw the new boss that night, only I didn't know it was him. I only assumed. Correctly. His name is Andy. He seems okay so far. Then again, he hasn't said a thing to me. There is talk that he might close the restaurant for two weeks. He wants to renovate it. Make it bigger and such. Whatever.

I'm still fighting my demons. Not so much right now because I have my period. My body seems to have produced a lot of endorphins. I couldn't even walk when I went to Walmart this afternoon. My body was so relaxed, I thought I was on Vicodin. Julian thought I was high.

I tried. I am not in a blogging mood.

Damn it.

I'd buy this. If I could try it on first.

Cramps are killer.

At times.

I might make an effort to post something tonight.



Hair.

I can't do anything as simple as shaving my head and bleaching my scalp without someone getting upset over it. Is it because I am a girl?

Or is it because they know me? I bet they wish I were normal like them. They rather have me as some crackhead slut that hid everything from everyone and looked like everyone else to achive that. I can't wait to hear what she has to say about this.

I hate how they make me regret the things that I do sometimes.

Maria Likes Molotov.

Don't call me Gringo, you fucking Beaner.
Stay on your side of the goddamn river.
Don't call me Gringo, you Beaner.

No me digas Gringo, Mr. Puñetero.
Te sacare un susto por racista y culero.
No me llames Frijolero, pinche, gringo puñetero.

Just felt like it.

Lol. I am going to have that meltdown soon. Most of the time I am okay. No big deal. Laadee dah. I am going through that Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde bullshit. Some of the time I am beyond zoned out and oblivious. People talk to me and I just stare at them, MAYBE answer, and just walk away or close the door on them. I fully ignore everyone, all eye contact is avoided, and... I don't know. Cutting has been a strong option. Stronger than pills and alchohol. I've been strong enough to fight it, though.

All those feelings are getting harder and harder to bottle up. It's not working.

I am not doing enough. Then again, I don't know what I want to do.

I have stuff to say, some important and some not, but not right now.