Can't sleep.

And since it's almost 5 AM, I don't think I am going to bother until much later. I'm going to take a walk somewhere and watch the sunrise. Then I'll go home and clean a bit. Then maybe I'll get sleep. Or something. Ah. The Trews in the morning sounds good. I walk in and walk out with no pain and no doubt.

Something doesn't feel right. You know that? I can't sleep. Something isn't right. Bad.

I wish I could start packing my shit now so I won't have to worry about it later, but I can't bring myself to do it. The fact that my life is changing completely soon hasn't really hit me yet. I need boxes, though. I just want to break shit. Fuck. Something's not right.

Fuck this. I am going to bed.

Born to be down...

I've learned all my lessons before now.
Born to be down.
I think you'll get used to it.

And you just don't get it.
You keep it copacetic.
And you learn to accept it.
You know it's so pathetic.

Today is one of those good days that I needed. Julian took Mari and me to this cool-ass park over at Chino Hills this evening. It was so peaceful. Very little people around. Clean and it had a POND. With ducks that gave two shits about who was there. We also took Gavin with us. He was so scatty on the way there. He hasn't been in a car since he was a few weeks old. We probably spent two hours in the park. Just laying there and watching the ducks, people, Gavin, etc. There was this one bitch duck who kept running people off. It was hilarious. He tried to mess with us but we just sat there looking at it. And cussing it out. I took a picture of it with Julian's phone. And a lot of Gavin. After that we went back home to change because we were going to get some grub over at Island's. We had cat hair all over ourselves. Anyway, it was Julian's treat, of course, since we're all broke. I am still fucking full from the food. Then we went over to rent a DVD or two. We get there and scope around, get the movies that we want (Guess Who and Elephant), and Julian gets ready to pay for them. Mari and I wander around until Julian calls us over to tell us that he "lost" his card. Which was weird because I saw him take it out. "Are you sure? Couldn't be in between the DVDs or something?" After many No's we went back home. He called Island's to ask if they found his card. So, he borrowed money from money (He didn't have enough cash with him) and went to get the DVDs. As soon as he comes back he tells me that the video clerks had it all along. "Where was it?" I asked. "In between the DVDs." Julian replied. Duh. The clerk guy kept apologizing Julian. "I'm... so... sor-ry." Hahahaha. Lamers.

Guess Who is funny, but I got a bit distracted with Kolin's email. I don't know how many times I've read it. :P It's always great to hear from him.

Ah, and I got a call from the Human Resources Department. I had to call them back to confirm an interview with them on the 8th of next month. w00t! :)

And my mother, I guess she came out fine from surgery. I didn't go and see her. Mari wanted to, but it was too late. I didn't. And don't. I've already been there. I don't want to go back there again. My aunt and David were there for her. I don't need to be. I won't be able to after the move. She's on her own.

Teeth Like God's Shoeshine - Modest Mouse

Song rocks.

I always imagine myself sitting on some street and doing something artistic, inspriring strangers, and making people fall in love with what I do. Yeah. Full of myself :)

So, Mother goes into surgery or something tomorrow. And Julian is planning something for Mari, Gavin, and me, too. He won't say what it is, but he says that it's badass and free. Whatever. I'd rather be out there than be at home.

I have also found an old buddy of mine from elementary school. It's been fun talking to her.

FUCK!

Yeah, really. I don't know how you people do it. I don't know how you can live with yourselves. Hating, killing, punishing yourselves. I fucking hate myself. I hate what's inside me. I hate her. She won't leave me alone. She's always inside my fucking head, putting me down, making me feel worthless. And I am not talking about my mother. I just- I tell myself that I am a good person, and that I am great and good enough for this fucking society, but she somes around and fucks it all up for me! I can't fucking take her anymore.

Oh fuck. Thanks so much for the link, Colette. This fucking helped me out so much right now. You guys have to check it out. It's fucking great. This shit makes me fucking cry. And laugh, too. I like how I relate to these secrets. Most of them create a lump in my throat. Here's more.

Thanks.

So it comes out.

My sister told me the "real" reason why I got " fired today.

Mari: My mom was talking to me about you getting fired.
Me: Me getting fired? Heh. Okay?
Mari: Yeah, don't tell my mom, though. She told me not to tell you.
Me: Okaay.
Mari: Yeah, she said that Karla asked her boss or something why you got fired. "Is it because she's fat?"
Me: HA!
Mari: Yeah, and he told her, "Nooo. It's because of how she looked." Yeah. That it was because you wore those bracelets and stuff. How you dressed.
Me: That's bullshit. I know for a fact that I stopped wearing my spikes as soon as the new boss took over. I only wore my watch and my pearl necklaces.
Mari: Oh.
Me: Ha. Fuckers.

So, yeah. Fired because of how I look. Whatever. Just glad I stopped going to work before they told me not to come anymore.

AHHH!

Sorry. Just being a dork. Anyway, I know few care but...

This new HP trailer rocks ASS. Compared to the last one, it does. I haven't seen the last few seconds of it because for SOME reason mine has a bug in it. >:( Oh well.

Oh. If you haven't yet, subcribe to PotterCast from Leaky Cauldron. It's free. All you need it iTunes. DO IT.

The Perfect Ending - Straylight Run

Taken in context
It's not a bad thing
But when you start to pick it apart
It gets so depressing

It's that sorta thing that makes you think too much
It's that sorta thing that makes you lose your objectivity

So if you made it
Just be glad that you did and stay there
If you ever feel loved or needed
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones

And if it's over
Just remember what I told ya
It was bound to happen so just
Keep movin' on
There's no perfect endings

You peel back the layers
Get down to the inside
But some times you lose sight
Of what it was you were trying to find

It's that sorta thing that makes you think too much
it's that sorta thing that makes you lose your objectivity

So if you made it
Just be glad that you did and stay there
If you ever feel loved or needed
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones

And if it's over
Just remember what i told ya
It was bound to happen so just
Keep movin on
There's no perfect endings
No perfect endings

I didn't know how to begin this. Just odd how you go away for a day and things change (and by away I mean no internet access). It happens, though. And a lot. I guess I should start off- Meh. I don't like how my brother is acting. He's been drinking too much. *frown* I don't blame him, but he needs to control it. His eyes are red. Anyway, Sin came over Sunday night to stay over for a few days. She formatted my computer (because it was insane) and well... heh. I had to get a new modem and sound card. Woo. Fuck. It. I can't afford it, but if I don't have at least ONE thing I can do go... I will do something really stupid. No TV and I've finished most of my books. I hardly eat. I've given up a bit. I feel like I have nothing. But I know it's a lie. So, Sin took my tower apart and did a thing here and there. Installed the modem and sound card. I learned a lot. I'll have to get a new hard drive later. When I have money. Or a job.

I took the "test" today. I was nervous as hell. My hands were shaking a lot. But only because there was another older lady there taking the test with me. We both applied for both jobs. And many other people. I talked to her for a bit. I think I wished her luck. I don't remember. So, I had to rearrange some cards in alphabetical and numerical order. Numbers like 945.4653 and 945.4672. And names such as McIntyre, Larry and Macintyre, Abby. It was confusing and it was timed. The older lady finished first. Mild Dyslexia suck ass, man. But I just hope that I at least passed the damn test. I don't hear from them for another two weeks. Eh. After the test I talked to the lady for a bit. I told her that I was nervous. "Look at my hands!" I said. She laughed. I also told her that I hoped to see her soon and I guess another good luck. Ditto for me. "I'm Teresa. What's your name?" :) It was cool. I liked that part. I went back home to change and then get my sound card and modem. Both cheap, but they work.

And this morning Julian told me that Mother told him that she sold the house and that we have a month and a half to move. Okay. Then he tells me that she and David are getting us some apartment and paying for the first three months. Okaay. And giving us some furniture. Fine. And by "we" I mean Julian, Mari, and me. So, I guess I am going to be her guardian. A jobless guardian. Good-for-nothing parent. Whatever. I don't know yet. I've been ignoring her more than ever before. I only "talk" to her when she asks me something or whatever. But I mostly don't respond. And Grandma is coming this week, I think. I don't want to see her. This is most of her doing.

Fuck. I better stop. I haven't cried in a good while and I want to keep it that way.

Oh and someone's been calling me from L.A. Well, 213 and 661. But since I don't know anyone from L.A. or pick up on numbers I don't know... no idea who that is.

"A mistake today can be fixed tomorrow."

Anxiety hit yesternight. My left leg wouldn't stop shaking. Even when I was half asleep. I was Mari's company yesterday when I walked with her to school. She needed to pay a book fee and get her schedule. I mostly sat around reading Wayne. Mari came across her friend Ashley and her cousin. The same people I had kicked out of the house a few months ago. Heh. I was surprised that Mari got her schedule pretty quick, but I shouldn't have. I've been through the process before. I guess I just forgot. I had planned to walk to the store right after to get two money orders for my bills. I waited for Mari another while and when she came back she stood around talking to Ashley and her cousin, Nick. I don't remember who said what, but one of them asked me if I was pissed off. I guess I looked angry. But I wasn't. I was just tired. Mari was ready and I lead the way to the store. The others decided to join us. Or join Mari, really. I was lost in the city and in my music. And I didn't want to converse with anyone (do I ever?), so I ignored them. As much as I could. I just didn't want to get in the way of their friendship. I wasn't a part of it. They would try and talk to me from time to time. About my hair or how I walked. Nick told me (or rather told Mari) that he always sees me walking around and that I always look pissed off. He even mocked the way I walk. Heh. I wasn't interested in being chums, so I stayed quiet. My music was too loud to hear much of anything anyway. I don't like to walk without music. The only time I did hear them was when we passed by this motel and Mari said, "Kolin." She always does this. "I heard that." I told her without turning around. The three of them started laughing. "Jeeze," Maria said. Whatever. I took care of my business. It was almost as if those kids weren't around me. Mari wanted to go to Rite Aid. Righty. I waited for them at the entrance before deciding to check out the liquor. I saw this beautiful 1.75 liter bottle of Jack. I wanted it. Maybe some other time. Straight home I went. They followed. They hung around way after we got home. I wanted to hang around too. I don't know why. But I couldn't bring myself to join them. I have nothing in common with them. They are way too open for me. I noticed how much of a recluse I've become over the past year. Or the past three months. I've shut the world out. Just like when I was 17.

I mailed out my bills this evening. I had to walk to the nearest mailbox from my house. Which is about 30 minutes away. On my way there, I saw the old man again. I smiled big. I quickly stopped and hid my smile, though. I didn't want others to see it. One guy almost did. But inside I was exploding. It was great to see him. I don't know why I feel this way towards him either. There's just something about old people. I couldn't stop staring at him and I didn't care if he saw me staring. I think I wanted him to. But then I saw him walking. And that broke my heart. He was sort of limping/dragging his right leg. It was a miserable sight. I explosion faded away. After I dropped off my mail I rested against this furnature store and watched him walk away. I also saw another homeless person. I've seen him around many times before too. He looks young. Maybe in his early or late 20s. I watched him walk for a while too. He walks very fast, though. I couldn't keep up. I walked back home. I did sit next to the school library to read for a while, though. I always think about those three homeless people. The Lady in the Bicycle, The Old Man from the Library, and That Guy Who Walks Fast. Maybe one day I will know their names. It's sounds stupid, but I pretend that they are my ghost friends. I don't know. If they're ever in need of an ear, I am willing to lend mine. Maybe I can have a picture of them in return.

And I lie to myself...

And say... 'It's for the best."

I can't believe that I am angry over this. That kind of anger that wants to escape through your exploding head. I fucking loathe them right now. I keep rewinding I'm/We're just tired of this shit. That's all I keep thinking about. That sentence coming from David's lips. He said they were both tired of working here, paying for rent, etc. Practically tired of being adults. What they're really doing is running away from their responsibilities. They don't want to be adults anymore. Ha. They never were anyway. Motherfuckers. And now they are treating us like we don't live here. Hell I can play that game too, Bitch and Asshole. And I have been. Why am I this angry about it? Or better yet, why do I even care? I don't give a fuck about them at all. It could be worse. They could have run out on us and left us with their debts. My mother pretends that this doesn't hurt her. My mother, the brave one. She's full of it. I hear her tell people "Yeah, they can pay for rent now." Which practically means, "They can go fuck themselves for all I care." Complete bullshit. That's her attitude. She pretends until she falls apart and then blames it on everyone before she expects the same people to pick up after her. Does she even know that Mari doesn't even like her? She never includes her in any way. A few months ago she was messing around in Photoshop. She was cutting and pasting the South Park characters that I had made. She made a collage of her family. They included me, Julian, my dad, and her. No fucking TERESA there. It did make me sad because she is and will always be our "mother." That's why I can't even fucking disrespect her. I don't have the courage to do it. I can't stand up to her. At least not yet. I know as soon as she leaves, I am going to be free from her. And from that day on I will be able to speak my mind. She won't have anything to throw at my face, she won't have the right to belittle me anymore, and she won't have anything to use against me. She will never threaten me with anything again. Because she knows that she has me by the balls. If she didn't want to be a fucking mother she should have at least closed her legs or fucking killed me when I was a baby and save herself the trouble. And trust me, there have been a few times when we came close to that due to her idiotic neglect. Ever since I could remember my mother has hated me. I just wish she'd leave now. Get it over with and kill us from her life. I just hope she realizes that she's going to die alone. David isn't always going to be there for her. I don't want to be here when they move out. I don't want to give them a hallow goodbye. I just want to completely disconnect myself from them.

There I went.

Pictures fade away...

Watched Where The Heart Is twice today. I took Mari to the library with me (she's the one with the card). I checked out five books. Digital Photography for Dummies, Where The Heart Is (Large Print), Wayne, Ghost World (comic), and The New Napkin Folding. That one shows you many creative ways on folding napkins. It's awesome. I saw the old man again. He was sitting in the same spot the first time I saw him. I didn't interact with him, though. (As if I ever have) I was busy with Mari.

I'm still obsessing about cutting my hair. I hope I don't. It hasn't been this long in four years.

Billy Bong Thorton.

I am watching WHERE THE HEART IS. Julian got it for me. Now I can watch it until I die.

I took another trip to the library. I spent two hours this time. I think I went through five photography books. Big ones, too. Mostly for inspiration. I didn't take any notes this time. I was getting very anxious going through my last book. More people were coming in around that time and I kinda just lost it. One-third through the last book I decided it was time to go home. Plus it was super cold in that library. That's why I always take a scarf. On my way out I saw the same old man that had sat infront of me. He was doing some research in the library computer. And he was wearing the same clothes. Still, it's just an assumption I made yesterday. He looked at me and then looked back at the computer. I dunno why, but as soon as I saw him I smiled. He couldn't see me, though. So, I went outside, I stood there messing with my cellphone, I turned around to get going, and there he was. I passed by him, looked at him and smiled. Successs! Right? That's what I wanted to do yesterday. Only he gave me that "Uh..." look. Ha. I'm thinking of going back again tomorrow.

I took a nap when I got home. Three missed calls. Every time the phone would ring, "Don't bother meee." Man, I love this movie. Anyway. I called Dad back and talked to him for a bit. I played with Gavin again. After that, Julian took Mari and I shopping. He really wanted to take Mari so she could get some stuff for school (clothes, supplies, etc.). He took us to Wal-Mart first. I got myself some new bras and that damn hoodie I've been wanting. I almost got a small/zipper, but I just- No. No zippers for me. I love zippers, but not on a hoodie. It just doesn't feel right anymore. Julian found ONE with no zipper and it looked very small (smaller than a small). I was in the guy's section, BTW. Anyway, the hoodie's tag said it was XL. Wha? It looked so small. Anyway, I took both hoodies and tried them on. The small one was... small. It was very tight around my boobs. No deal. I tried on the small-XL and it fit perfectly. Woo! I got that one. I found later that it was an XL because it was from the little boy's section. Ha. Lame. Mari got herself her first C bra. OMG. C you guys. *whispers* 36C. She'd kill me if she ever finds out I said that. I'm growin' too. :l Yeah, I know someone who won't complain about that. ;) My back does most of the complaining, though. Anyway, she also got four shirts and some school supplies. Ah. Julian got a huge hoodie. 2X. I dunno why, he's a fucking stick! And two DVDs. Beavis and Butt-Head Do America and Armage-whatever. Why am I telling you all this?

Target was next. Haha. I got more stuff from there. Undies. And the DVD, Where The Heart Is. Rock. I love that movie. I haven't loved a movie like this since... Never Been Kissed. The Wedding Singer. Yeah. Mari got a few school supplies and Julian got Half Baked. That movie is great. And some other stuff that aren't important. I don't know why I always feel that I have to LIST everything that we buy. We were gonna hit Best Buy after that, but it was getting late. It was close to ten. We got some take out after. Foooood. We chilled in my room (of course) and watched Half Baked. Hilarious. I will admit that every time I watch that movie, I always get the urge to smoke some. And now... I loooove this movie.

And my new hoodie. I gotta fix it up now.

Excuse any grammar mistakes and the like.

MTV. Blows.

I actually had an okay day. :o

Let's me start with the RAIN that happened this morning. I ended up waking up at around 2:30 AM and a little before I was gonna try and go back to bed it started raining fairly hard. I believe I failed to mention that I saw a lot of lightning last night when I took my walk. Aside from the rain, there was also thunder and lighting. It was AWESOME. I wanted it to be louder and flashier, but no go. It was still great. I opened up my blinds (fully) so that I could see the lightning better. I didn't fall asleep until 6 AM. Insane. It was bright as hell outside when I woke up.

I went to the library. After I saw Where The Heart Is. Told ya. Before I left home (in a hurry), Mom stopped me and said, "Cindy's mom died." ... Okay? "What?" I asked her. "Cindy? Her mom. She died." She replied. "Wait. Sinthya?" I asked again. "Noo. Sandy. Her mom died." Ohhhhhh. Sandy. Heh. Phew. I thought it was odd anyway. My mom would have been crying like a little bitch if Sinthya's mom had died. And I would have heard from Sinthya if she did. BUT. I was still shocked. I've never met the woman. She died in a car accident. I dunno, when Mom told me the details I didn't really pay attention because I was still trying to grasp that someone died. It takes me a while. I left home a little angry and down.

SO, library. Yeah. I stopped by the bank since it was on the way, too. I spent a short time at the library. An hour. I grabbed a bunch of books on Photography and Digital Photography and took some notes. Some old man sat infront of me. He seemed anxious. I assumed he was homeless, but I hoped I was wrong. I know if I were homeless I'd spend most of my days in the library. No one pays attention to you there and you can get lost in the FREE books. Love that? Free books. FREE BOOKS. Not to take home (unless you have a library card), but to USE, READ, and if you can... BORROW. Libraries are great like that. I wanted to look up at him and smile. Smiles are great and they usually make people feel good when they come from out of nowhere. I try to give them as much as I allow myself. Which isn't a lot. Or enough. I chickened out. No smile today. I went home feeling alright, though. Laughed a few times. I dunno. I felt a bit calmer than the past few days. Especially yesterday.

I got home and saw my sister talking to some older guy. He was holding Belle (next door's dog) so I knew he was our neighbor. I guess. He didn't seem familiar, but then again... I hardly know my neighbors. *shrugs* I didn't say anything to them or looked their way. I just kept walking. My sister came in after me. "The guy told me to tell you that your pants are dirty?" She said.

Me: So?
Mari: What happened? Did you fall?
Me: What? No. This is how they are supposed to look.
Mari: Ohh. That's right.

My pants are cool like that. People always think they are dirty. I went back out and played with Gavin. Mari joined me later and we played with him for two hours. I think. During our kitty play, the guy came back out again to "get something" from his truck. He asked us questions and such. Then Mari saw a flash. I saw it too. From the corner of my eye. My sister asked, "Hey. What was that? It looked like a flash." The guy didn't answer. He just started talking about the lightning and thunder. Way after he left Mari said, "I think he took a picture." Mmhmm. Me too. Whatever. Gavin was loads of fun.

Julian came back from Six Flags a while ago. He got me a Wile E. Coyote shirt. Medium. Rock. He knows. My dad would have gotten me an XL and said, "I hope it fits." -_- Lol.

So spill my blood...

It was chilly today. I even saw some lightning. "Today." I should have said "yesterday." Dissolve and decay! There's nothing left for me! I went outside twice today. I tried to find something to do, but I failed. I watched Where The Heart Is. I love that movie. But I missed the ending. I was getting very restless being locked away in my room. Sit back and let her die slowly. Don't cry, she didn't love you anyway. So, I went outside for the second time. I spent longer out there this time. I moved from place to place and nowhere did I feel calm. I cried a few times. I've been having short, clean crying spells for a while. They're better than anxiety attacks.

I hate going to bed early only because I end up waking up four hours later. Take now for example. Some people are gonna come by tomorrow to check out the house for some termites. I don't want to be around for that. The cat woke me up. Or a cat. I dunno who it could have been. I don't know how I woke up, but my heart was beating very fast and I heard the cat moaning. Then I heard myself, through this lady from the movie that I had seen that evening, say "Suicide." I smiled faintly. The way I do when I am high on pills. "High." I was still half asleep when I did that. Then I got to thinking that Mari killed herself. And then another situation took over, this time I was trying to stop her from killing herself. Then it was my mother that was dead. Heh.

I need you now! More like yesterday! The last day I could see your smile. For the last time. turn out the lights. My life on standby. I've been eating a lot of dairy products. Mostly ice cream. That's bad. I hate nausea. And this post. Wake up now, it's over, just tell me it's okay to die. Sure.

Mmm. It just started raining. I'm gonna go to bed now and fall asleep to it.

Loneliness and boredom go hand-in-hand.

I need a digi-cam. One to start with. I miss taking random pictures.

"Keep moving, bitch. Keep moving."

Today went by slow and fast. Slow because I did nothing. Fast because I did nothing. Well, I cleaned my room. I've kept it clean, too. Today is Julian's birthday, so I gave him a hug and $40. "What? No, you're trippin', Cris. No, no." He said. "Dammit, take it. You're disrespecting me." I told him. He tried to give it back, but he failed. He ended up taking it. He had to work, so we didn't do anything for him. I took a walk outside with Mari. We went through all the nice streets. Armsley Square was one of them. After I got back I ate some ice cream and went outside for 30 minutes to talk to Colette. It was kinda hard since 1) my phone sucks ass and 2) Gavin was attacking my hand a lot. Bastard. I even played some GTA: San Andreas with Mari for a while before going into my room to watch a little bit of TV. Watched a little bit of Garden State. Turned off my TV. Sigh. Boring. I've been itching to decorate hoodies. I want to buy a black one, but I am so damn picky. I think I am going to go for a zippered one this time, too. I haven't bought one since... many years ago.

Useless information. Sorry. This is an example of a crappy and desperate post.

Ah, well first is first. My PC has gone to hell. I keep getting this message box that states:

The Exception Guard Page Exception
A page of memory that marks the end of a date structure, such as a stack or an array, has been accessed.

Basically it says, "You fucked up now, bitch!" At least that's how I feel. Ha. I can use it, but It's very annoying to use. This is worse than fucking pop ups. I was looking into buying a new tower if this doesn't work. I've tried whatever I can possible think of trying. Since I know shit about computers, I didn't get far. It works fine in Safe Mode, but I can't use the net in there. Boo. I even called Sin and told her about my problem, but she couldn't do much because she doesn't know exactly what my problem is. She'd have to be here and help me out. Or maybe a miracle will happen and this shit will end up working again. Until then, you won't see me online as much anymore. I'll still post. I am able to do that, at least. Or just call me. *cough* Weekends are great for that. Free long distance and stuff. Or I will call you if I have your phone number. Which is one person. Poor Colette.

Speaking of miracles, I got a letter from Upland's Human Resources Department. At first I thought, "Wow, this could be their nice way of saying, "Sorry, but your application sucks ass. We won't need you here." I opened it and read, "Your application for the position of Library Jr. Clerk has been received and accepted. You are now invited to participate in a Filing Skills Test to be held:" And then it says when. August 23rd. Long way, but I'm patient. It doesn't mean that I have this job. For all I know I could totally fuck up this "test," but I have nothing to lose, so fuck it.

And a while ago, Mari came up to my window ('cause she knows I won't answer the door) and said, "David wanted me to tell you that you're not going to work tomorrow."

Me: Oh. Okay.
Her: ... Oh, and that you're fired.
Me: Oh. Okay.

HA. They tried to get rid of me before and the other girl who was supposed to take over my position flaked on them. Never showed up and she quit. Good luck, fuckers. :)

I hope you never... fade

As you drip through my... veins.

Shine on! (Shine on!)
Shine on diamond... eyes.

And as days go by.
The memories remain.
I'll wait for you!

As days go by, I swear I'll try
(I'll wait for you) Until I die, anything for you...

Ah, good song. The Transition - Hawthorne Heights. I've made a CD that has Straylight Run and Hawthorne Heights in there. My Victory mix. I don't know, but I think I've made this transition from Tooth & Nail Records (The Juliana Theory (EX), Anberlin, Mae, Dead Poetic, etc.) to Victory Records (The Black Maria, Straylight Run, Hawthorne Heights, Taking Back Sunday, etc.). I love them all. Ferret Records (Every Time I Die, Killswitch Engage, A Life Once Lost, Funeral For A Friend, Dead Hearts, etc.) too. Blah, blah.

You just can't relax
And you can't rely on anyone for anything
So you make your complaints and all everyone's let you down
You just cant... ever win

Convinced there's a war on, it's always Everybody Versus You
Convinced that your critics are watching and you've always got something to prove

So tie the noose
And raise the cross
The marytr's arrived
A desperate plea for sympathy
Its all you'll need

Laundry list of problems
It doesn't make you interesting
And never getting help doesn't make you brave
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith
Your just cutting off your nose to spite your face

So tie the noose
And raise the cross
The marytr's arrived
A desperate plea for sympathy
Its all you'll need

And you want it all
You want it, you want it all

Sorry. I just had to. I love this song. It's a good slap to my face.

I finally went to turn in my other application today. I was nervous about that, I guess. I felt very weak. My mother was around and that didn't make me feel any better. I took some pills to calm my nerves. I was going to go this Monday (Human Resrouces Departmen), but motivation wasn't around. I actually went yesterday, but the place closed to make way for some city food drive. Fuckers. I didn't go home right away, anyway. I sat down on the corner of Armsley Square (my favorite street), next to this Scientist Church. I sat there for maybe an hour. Listened to the Organ for a while. I don't remember. I sat next to another church today, too. Methodist Church. I sat there because it was quiet and there was a little fountain there. I sat there for a little over an hour. While there, some woman came up to me. I didn't even see her when she was right in front of me. I was in a "Why can't I belong?" trance. I was so zoned out that I truly did not see her until her "Hey girl!" broke my trance.

Her: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Oh man. Sure.
Her: Can I have $1.50 for the bus?
Me: Sigh. Sure. *takes out money; thinks about giving her $2*
Her: *sees more than a dollar* Or you can give me $2.
Me: Right. Sure. Here ya go. Sorry, it's a little wet.
Her: Oh, that's okay. You sweatin'?
Me: Yeah. Go away now. Heh. Yeah.

And I have no idea why, but after that I felt so miserable. I went back to my zone, but it was hard to stay in it because of this shitty feeling that had taken over me. The hell? I wanted to cry right there and then and I fucking fought that. What kind of shit is that? I decided it was time to go home. I frowned all the way back home until I hit Sixth Street. This frowning felt horrible, too. It was the kind of frowning that felt like it wanted to excape my face. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't frown any harder than how I was in that moment. You know that kind of frowning you do when your fighting to not cry? It felt that way, only it was anger. The sun was in the way, too. Eh. Sixth street and I was good. Armsley Square and I was at peace. Until I got home and saw Sonia's car. Rage.

I also lost the feeling of my left arm and left scalp. Don't ask.

I can't find a single fucking thing to do and if I don't find it soon I'm going to blow up.

So we bottled and shelved...

All our regrets!

Julian got me Straylight Run today. Good kid. I've been such a bitch. My mood has gotten bad and my attitude's been horrible. I am unbareable at times. "What's wrong? What's with the attitude." Choke on a cock, fucker. And die. That's how I've been feeling. I want to be alone 100% of time. And then some. I get really pissy when someone knocks on my door, talks to me, or even looks at me. Fuck off. It's wrong, but I can't help it. Any little thing can set me off. I always end up going to the bottle to aid myself. It just numbs my body, but my mind is still irritated.

I've given up without even trying first.

Wimp.com

Rubber Johnny. Watch it!

This site is great.

Leslie ROCKS.

*watching Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult*

That brings me back to... some year. I forget. I have little to say. I think. Still looking for some house to move in. My dad says not to worry, but I do. So fuck it. I'm waiting to hear from the library about the job. I am going to send another application on Monday. I need a job, man.

I had a short talk with David this Friday on our way home from work. He said he was stressed out about selling the house (which is why he's been smoking a lot). I gave him my dos centavos. I told him that they were making a mistake and blah, blah, fuck, blah. He then told me that he talked to my mom about getting Julian and I an apartment and paying for the first and second month's rent. Riiiiight. Figures he would think that way and not my own mother. I haven't been talking to her much. Less than usual. And even today, we talked about it. "Why does she want to leave?"

David: She's just tired of this shit.
Me: She's an idiot.
David: *laughs*
Me: She is. She's an idiot. You guys move to Mexico and my grandma is going to screw you over.
David: No she woooon't.
Me: Oh yes she will. My mother's an idiot. She'll listen to her. You guys are gonna have money problems. But whatever.

He went on about how he was tired of this shit (work, life in the US) and how it'll be easier over in Mexico. Yeah. Right. Good riddance. They are both idiots. I already know what's going to happen to them. Karma is a bitch. Meh.

Anyway, new book came out this Tuesday: Why Do Men Have Nipples? Seems interesting.

And why do men have nipples?

While only females have mammary glands, we all start out in a similar way in the embryo, the authors explain. The embryo follows a female template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in.

Men, however, have already developed nipples by that time.

Mmhmm. WE'RE ALL LESBIANS!

Fucking bullshit.

I just found our house on Realtors.com (no picture; thank god). What fucking dining room? I hate her.

Useless.

That's it. Seriously. I can't stay here anymore. Not with her. She's killing me. I don't know how the fuck I am going to do this. Anywhere away from her. I'm gonna talk with my dad and ask him to seriously help us out. I have to talk to Julian and CONVINCE him that we cannot stay here. We must leave. It'll be hell, but it can't as bad as it is right now. What I really wish I could do is get an apartment somewhere. That way my father didn't have to worry about us. Julian and I could team up and live on our own. Maybe sooner than I think.

I cleaned more shit out. Threw it all away. School papers, some more pictures, and mostly shit that I hadn't seen in years. I like that I have less stuff now. I have so much more to get rid of, though. I wanna buy a bookcase.

More people came in to see the house this evening. I sat there and ignored whatever. Someone knocked on my door. "Come in!" I told whomever it was that knocked. No answer. No movement. I got up and opened the door. There was no one there. I went back in my room. I sat down on my bed and went back to pretending that I was reading.

Anyway. This made my day: Found Magazine

Goodbye to you! Goodbye to you!

I went to work today. It was so awkward. As soon as I got there, I felt like an outcast. But I wasn't treated that way. "Cristal, heeey. How are you? We miss you," says Karla. I bet they did. She looked rather miserable. I didn't care if I was there or not. Halley was there. She was wondering where I was. I told her that I was probably let go or something. But even if I weren't, I wasn't going to stay there long. She was down about that. "I won't have anyone to TALK to." Yeah. She meant anyone with my English speaking abilities. She's honest. I like that about her. Only because I don't care, though. David didn't fail to make me feel like shit tonight, too. I wanted to slash my wrists then and there. He's a dick. An asshole. A dickhole. Another great fucking reason why I would leave work. Just to be away from him. He's just- FUCK. I thought about the razor in the little needle box at work. Too bad there were people around.

I got over it. As soon as I got home I dressed up and took Mari for a walk. It was a short walk, though. Gavin willing came along us. As I was holding him, he somehow slipped from me and fell hard onto the concrete. I guess he got scared because she pissed or pooped or something on Mari. And then on me. I dunno. It was something weird. "God, I hope this isn't sperm." Heh. Damn cat. Whatever. It felt good to go out. Even if it were for a few minutes.

Dad called again. Eh. My scalp hurts, my head hurts, my back hurts, I want more pills, but I can't take them right now.

No tomorrow.

I've been "relaxed" for the past few hours.

I went to the zoo, had a good time, Julian bought me a little lion, and yeah. My father called me. Julian wouldn't listen. We have to find somewhere else to move. My mother is dumb. I rented Donnie Darko. I watched it and felt "numb." I took more pills to feel nothing. Relaxed. Past few hours. Been trying to stay awake, but it's hard. My bottle is still open. Teasing me to take more. I don't want tomorrow to happen. I have a bad feeling about it. Tomorrow is making me nervous.

I don't want to be asleep. I don't want to be awake. Ever feel like you are literally stuck in the middle? You see black, white, grey, and colors. Everything around you twists and overlaps, but you're still stuck in the middle.

I don't know what the hell I am talking about. I can't stop yawning, so I think I will read a bit and then head for bed. It won't be hard to fall asleep.

Archived <--- I don't remember typing that in. o_O

It's gonna take a lot to console me. I've been even more out of touch than before. Only because I know that a big change is coming soon. How soon? I don't know. I've gone back to the bottle. Been tempted to buy at least 650 of Tylenol. There were some at work, I took two and they did nothing for me. The same amount of pills don't have that much of an affect on me. At least nothing that I can notice. I did today, though. Julian, Mari, and I went over to Best Buy and I remember walking around the store and my sister trying to "wake me up." She'd talk to me and I'd just zone out. That's how I've been. You can try and talk to me all you want, but I won't really respond.

I got a new mouse. It's an opti.

Julian got excited over an idea. He wants to go to the L.A. Zoo tomorrow. I doubt we will. I dunno. I don't care if I go or not. Whatever.

My father called me today. ... Mehhhh. I heard Mother talking on the phone. Sort of. Well, all I heard is "If they want to go with me with Arizona, fine. If not, oh well. They can go where ever they want to." Whatever. Ass. Anyway, my dad told me about that. "She said if you don't want to go to Arizona with her then she'll just go to Mexico." Fucking FINE, bitch. I don't want to fucking leave. If she sells this house, I am either going to go with my dad or- whatever. How lovely that she's only thinking of herself and HER FUCKING ASSHOLE HUSBAND than my sister. My sister has three years left of school and she thinks that's a long wait. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck. And these RIDICULOUS thoughts of suicide don't want to leave me the fuck alone! It's stupid. Whine, whine. Up, down, up, down, up, down, down, down... down. Down.

I am miserable and everyone around me is miserable. That's life for ya, though. That's how it is, how it's always been, how it will always be for most. Heh. Arachibutyrophobia.

I'll shut it now.

Whatever+Meh

I sent out my application. I hope they call. But that won't mean much, anyway. I think. The 'rents STILL want to move to Arizona. My father STILL would like to get this house (even though HE won't be able to AFFORD it). It's just shit.

They are idiots. They think with the money they would get for this house they will be able to solve all their problems. Fuckers.