Bah.

So, I didn't ask today. I couldn't do it. Not after the whole sleepwalking ordeal. We were too busy today, too. I was so fucking antsy. Then she mentioned something awful. Grah. So, now I am even more discouraged.

Bleh.

New Years Eve and all that jazz.

So, it seems that Bill was sleepwalking all night. And I heard it all this time around. I couldn't sleep very well, anyway. I had too much on my mind. I woke up at eight. Showered. Had breakfast with Sandy. She vented a little. I sat there.

LongrThanForever: So.. if, for sake of coversation, I could buy you a ticket to florida.. I know you wouldn't stay, buuut.. Hmm.. vacation?
I am Oxie Moron: Well, I CAN always leave Mari with Sandy. I'd have to talk it over with her and Bill.

I still haven't asked them. It's a BIG favor. But I want to wait for the right time to ask. And I hope that I have all the right answers for the questions that I feel they will throw at me. They've adopted me already. So, I am a part of their family. And then I will have to tell my dad if I do end up going. I already know what he's going to say.

I hope I do well.

Workout.

Today's work out was great. I wasn't tired after it. I still had lots of energy left, but I had to take it easy because my left calf has been acting up. I limp a little when I walk. This other instructor (I LOVE HER) showed me and Sandy a few new trick on the balls. Some were easy for me and hard for Sandy and visa versa. But she was great.

Did some things today. Who cares. I am going to bed.

Oh. Someone stole Jesus from Ontario this past Monday. :O lol Even the news anchors were fucking laughing and trying to hide it. Dumbass people.

And. This ring. THIS ring. There's something about it. I've only shown Colette. I love other rings, too, but this one- Woo. I dunno. It's just nice looking. And too much money. I like leaf rings. BED.

TIRED.

So tired. I had a headache for a couple of hours. Sandy tried to bake a upside-down peach cake. It almost went to hell, but Patrick saved it. It was pretty good.

The workout today was nice. I HULAHOOPED. And I almost got it! I was never able to do that shit, but Stephanie gave me a few pointers. It hurts like fuck, though. There's a bunch of them against a wall and they all weigh differently. I tried a three pound one and I couldn't manage to hula that shit around me. I tried the four pounder and I did okay with that one. I also tried other shit. And got weighed. I weigh 212. So, that's three pounds so far. lol Right. I am on my way back down again. I can't believe I was down to 190. But I gained it almost all back because of the shit I went through.

Anyway. I love this old post.

So, it’s semi-confirmed*: Mother is pregnant.

*I am still not sure. I am too shocked to want to know.

I spoke with my brother Wednesday and we talked about current events when he mentioned that he was told THAT my mother was pregnant.

Me: “Huh?”
Him: “Yeah, that’s what they told me.”
Me: “Hahahaha. That can’t happen. She tied her tubes a LONG time ago.”
Him: “Well, I don’t know.”
Me: “Probably bullshit rumors.”

And now, while I was eating dinner my grandmother told me in front of my mother. “You are going to have a baby brother. Or sister!”

I wasn’t thrilled at all. I was very upset, but I didn’t say anything. I don’t see how this is possible and I hate the idea that she could be. Before any of you jump the gun and give me whiplash, let me explain. MY mother is PREGNANT. My mother, who used to pull her own hair because I couldn’t go to sleep as a baby, is pregnant. My mother, who left me (as a baby) alone in a room on a bed (not crib) next to a vaporizer which I fell on and got 3rd degree burns, is pregnant. My mother, who would beat my brother, sister, and me for not being able to do our homework on time, is pregnant. She gave my brother and me an ultimatum at nine and ten, telling us to leave home or shut it. A mother who would have picked her abusive husband over us until he smacked the shit out of her and burned a few of our items. That bitch that knew I was slashing myself and only took me to therapy because my teacher told her to is pregnant. That bitch whom I fucking hate at times, who breaks me... My mother, who has been terrible as one… my mother who is unstable is pregnant. This only means that she would be bringing another living creature into this world to torture.

She doesn’t deserve a child just as much as I don’t. I am not selfish. I am just worried. It still doesn’t explain much, though. Bah.

Workout tomorrow. Bed.

Tired?

Yeah. I went to bed late last night. And I paid for it this morning. I got two calls from 415. San Francisco? I don't know anyone there. 415-656-1073

So, I researched it. I got to a few pages before this one. I scanned through it and found this (among other shit).

TOPIC - 415-656-1073 DATE - 06/28/05 08:07:11FROM -
The Answer Anytown USA
For all the people asking about the 415-656-1073 #
here is the deal. This is a pay phone company who ownes Pay phones in many
states. Each time someone uses one of their pay phones the same number
415-656-1073 comes up on your called ID no matter what state they are calling
from. The main trunk line for this pay phone company is located in San Francisco
CA so each call that is made from one of their pay phones goes through that
trunk line in CA 415-656-1073. which shows up on your called ID.I hope this
helps all the people who thought there love ones were not telling the
truth.

So, if this is true then... to whomever called me: sorry? Try again? And if you were some perve/telemarketer. FUCK YOU.

Now. Guess what? I went with Sandy to have my first work out! We went to Contours and worked out for an hour. I loved it. The lady that instructed me on how to use the machines was very nice. We used this one machine and she said that I got it perfect on the first try. :D She's never seen anyone get that one so fast. I was pretty normal when it came to certain things. Despite my overweightness. After we were done working out she showed me how to do some stretches. She said I was pretty flexible. :P While I was changing back, Stephanie (trainer) told Sandy that I was a natural. YES. I may seem like I am boasting, but... I am. It feels good. And the best... Sandy got me another Chanukah present. Another free month at Contours. Awesome. I am very spoiled here. Very. Usually it's Mari who is spoiled, but since she isn't here, it's my turn. :)

We went out to dinner. Going to work out tomorrow. Nice.

Chanukah pictures.

Sandy got them today. Just showed off a few. :)



Mari and I opening some of our Pre-Chanukah presents. We always make stupid faces.



Sandy kissing DeeDee. :D



Mari's set of Cat playing cards. Awesome shiet.



Look at DeeDee! That's Sandy, her dad Jack (we call him Grandpa), Mari and I.



There's Bill filling out some Christmas cards. Me petting Lucy.



And Lucy! lol

Christmanukah?

Chanukamass?

I spent Christmas with Dad this year. I haven't spent it with him since I was 9 or something. The time was alright. I made a few phone calls, talked with him for a while, talked with Nelly a LOT, and polished my nails. Mostly watched Cantiflas shit. Some of it was funny. I ate champurrado, some tamales, and some menudo. Yum. We didn't open our presents until 11 PM. My dad got me these two tops. Black and hot pink. Heh. They fit too big, though. OH well. PJs! He got me this cuuuute clown doll. Love it. AND THE BEST!: A Charlie Brown Christmas. :D I've seen it five times, now. I wish I would have brought it over with me. I am over at Sandy and Bill's, BTW.

So, Chanukah.

Sandy told me it was the first time they had Chanukah at her house. Grandpa, Harold (Sandy's drama queen brother), April and Patrick were there. OH. And Rick and Eloise. Two of the coolest married couple I know. Peanuts and Simpsons obsessed. :D So, as soon as I finished wrapping ONE LAST PRESENT, we all sat in the living room and started opening presents. We would all take a turn, but would skip A LOT. I'll just say what I got. I got a CHARLIE BROWN PLUSH from Eloise and Rick. I didn't let go of that the whole time we were opening presents. I love it. What I've been wanting for a year (or ever) is Linus, but he was so hard to find. UNTIL TONIGHT. I totally found him. I couldn't believe how easy it was. I dunno why it was hard last time I tried. Couldn't find shit. The rest that I got was jewelry that Bill got me. They're nice. Nothing beats my Peanuts, though. :D And Bill told me tonight that when he saw what Eloise gave me, he was sort of surprised. Impressed? Something. "Yeah, when I saw that I was like, 'Whoa,' because she rarely gives Snoopy stuff. Can't take her away from the Snoopy stuff. When she gives it that's something big. It's a big step for her. That means that she thinks you're cool enough." I didn't know that about her. But I feel special enough. She's a badass cop. :) Through it all I felt very awkward and I almost cried when Sandy started to cry. That was hard to watch.

After all that I just helped them clean. Or I cleaned.

Christmas or whatever don't mean anything to me anymore. Not like it used to. As I was watching my DVD, I told myself that Charlie Brown said it best:

I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

It's just another day. Only I feel like I have to perform for others. I hate that.

A quickie.

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone.

Still here.

Ahhh yeeah. No point in me leaving since Sandy and Bill wanted me to stay with Deedee and Lucy (their dogs) while they went to L.A. Yay. Doggie daycare. And she doesn't even want me to clean anything, but I'm going to sneak in a mop or broom somewhere.

Today was just as busy as yesterday. I tried to wake up at 8 AM, but the bed I was sleeping in was so fucking comfortable and warm... I stayed in for an hour longer. Heaaaven. As soon as I was done getting ready, Sandy came home and she had me wrapping presents. MORE AND MORE! I can't even ima- Wait. Well, I just tried counting them. There are around 65. I, since Saturday, have wrapped maybe 72% of them. I have wrapped a lot. Even my own presents! I actually got more today (as well as Mari). So, Sandy put them in boxes and had me wrapped them. I would wrap for hours. I was almost blinded last night from this bright red wrapping paper. I swear it was like staring into the sun. This morning, while Sandy and Bill were at the chiropractor's, Ray (Bill's dad) came in, asked for help, and then asked me which one of the two (Mari or me) was the oldest. *stare* Okaaay. "I am. I'm 22."

Him: Are you married?
Me: Oh, nooo, noo. I am too young for that.
Him: Hmm. You're sister looks older than you.
Me: Really? Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

WTF. HAHAHAHA. I told Sandy and even she made a WTF face. He needs his glasses.

I went shopping with Sandy again. She wanted to buy some frames, a bedskirt, and some pillow shams. While in Bed Bath and BEYOND I got very high. PMS High. I couldn't steer the cart correctly. I told her how I was feeling and we left the store. Paid. Whatever. Made one more stop before heading home. That's when I decided to take a nap. I wasn't feeling that great. Started to read The Devil's Reign. A book written by this man that lives in my favorite street: Armsley Square. George Newberry. The book doesn't look like a script, but it seems like you're reading one. Pretty interesting, true story of his life. Whatever. I am interested in it. I fell asleep reading it, though. lol I was tiiiiiiiiiiiired. I woke up after minutes of napping and helped Sandy with this and that. Then wrapped some more. MORE MORE.

We did lots of things, but I am too tired to say anymore. Just simple stuff. Niiiight.

Oh. Did some surveys. Bleh.

At Bill's.

I'm spending the night here since where I live is just not good for me right now. I'm on the verge of a breakdown with the drinking and the smoking that goes on in that apartment. I've been crying every fucking night. It's gotten to the point that I'm walking around the streets after 10 PM crying. Bullshit. That night, I sat down infront of this house, beside a tree and stared at these Christmas decorations. Calmed me down a bit. So, since Mari is in Mexico, I am staying with Sandy and Bill. For today. Maybe longer.

I spent all day here. Helping Sandy clean the house. Went shopping with her, too. Then she, Bill, Grandpa, Patrick, April, and I went out to eat. I got a chilli cheeseburger. I swear, towards the end... I SWEAR I ate some soap. I almost gagged.

Still not sure where I am hanging out on Christmas Eve/Day. I have three places I can go to. Deciding where to go is kind of hard. Hmm. Tired. Later.

Throughbread.

That's the street I came from a while ago. It took us less than two hours to look around at these big houses with loooots of Christmas lights. It was freaking awesome. :O The best house was the Peanuts Themed one. Great shit. Mari and I took pictures. I'll get some in here when I can.

Still no lights, but almost there.

I spent most of my day alone last night. Dad came over and bought some pumpkin pie and *gasp* Chicken Wiiiiiings. Yum. I ate some of both. I was pretty full when Mari called to tell me to get ready 'cause she, Sandy and Bill were picking me up. AHH. Okay. I got ready as quick as I could and went to dinner with them. Oof. They took us to a steakhouse. OOF. I ordered a salad. I dunno why, but I felt a little weirdish being there. Before we got to the restaurant, we passed by this street that had an AWESOME Christmas lights dislplay. I wanted to get out of the car and just stare. So many lights, so little brain space to consume it all. We still have yet to see that cool street with the million lights. We might go tomorrow.

Since Mari is going to go to Mexico during her Christmas vacation (it seems like a maybe now), we are going to do a pre-Chanukah Chanukah for her today. Which is what I am waiting for now. I think I'm done.

Ah!

I knew I couldn't stay away. I found a list and I'll just set the ones that I relate with on bold with some side notes if needed.

The ADDmirableWomen Quick List

messy (I can be at times, but I end up cleaning it all up after it pisses me off)
inability to focus/concentrate
easily frustrated
easily bored
trouble with paperwork, bills, etc. (it breaks my brain)
inadequate social/people skills
feeling misunderstood
inability to complete tasks
inner scatteredness
often late for appointments
impatient (when it comes to reading and the little things)
inability to handle stress
jumping from task to task
trouble holding a job/staying interested in a job
feeling like an outsider/misfit (not often)
trouble following directions
disorganized
insecure/low self-esteem
depressed
short temper
often losing/misplacing things (all the fucking time and in a time span of minutes)
fidgety/restless
feeling like a failure
can't follow a routine
easily lose track of time
inability to prioritize
inconsistent with children
relationship problems (I believe I am part of some, but nothing severe)
feeling worthless/useless
spacey/daydreamy
impulsive
have to work hard to "appear" normal
inassertive
speaking/acting before thinking of consequences (sometimes)
easily overwhelmed
forgetful
opinionated
pack rat (fuck yeah)
trouble remembering names, directions, etc. (or anything for that matter)
difficulty making eye contact
forgetting to return borrowed items
unmotivated
short attention span/easily sidetracked
procrastinator
feeling like you have no control over your life
impulsive actions (spending, eating, drinking, etc.)
clumsy
feeling that things are more of a struggle for you than for others
many unfinished projects
difficulties making close friends
never learn from mistakes
feeling like you're going in circles
fear of failure
day-to-day life is a constant effort
cannot be in one place too long without getting restless
constantly second-guessing yourself
constantly trying to live up to other's/society's expectations
homebody/need privacy
anxiety
longing for acceptance
feeling as if your brain is in a fog/haze
self-medicating with caffeine, drugs,
alcohol, etc.
feeling as if the world is moving in slow motion
drawn to destructive relationships
constant dialogue in head (all the fucking time!)
feel "lazy, crazy, and stupid"
constantly trying to please everyone
feeling like a burden to family and friends
not living up to potential
constantly comparing yourself to others

Ahh. Yess. I hope to meet with someone who can help me understand myself better soon. Just get that crap out of my way. :O Duncan Sheik's Barely Breathing. Man, that takes me back.

‘Cause I am barely breathing and I can’t find the air.

"Heeeey Bert..."

Hahaha. I was listening to my Pandora stations and I switched it to Alice In Chains and "Don't Follow" came up and- WOO! I started laughing (inside). I thought, "THAT'S where he got it from!" Of course, I am speaking of Steven Kramer and the infamous "Butt Buddies." That shit is funny. I still have a copy of Kramer's shit, so if anyone wants to listen, I could rip and send you a couple of tracks. I still don't know a couple of songs that he parodies.

So, I spent some of my afternoon with Bill today. It was supposed to be most of my morning, but he overslept and was late picking me up. About three hours late. Heh. I stopped waiting for him outside after two hours. It was fucking cold. After I was done with whatever he had me do, we sat down and talked for a long while. He talked, I mostly listened. I asked him how one can know if they really have ADD or not. I've been trying to get myself away from the denial and taking it seriously. I want to know whether I have that shit or not. Tired of guessing at it. One of the books that I checked out two weeks ago from that library was about ADD and almost everything that I read about I can relate to in a way that made me say, "Hey! That's me! Really me." Most things hit right on the fucking money. But that isn't enough to convince me, anyway. When it comes to some things... it's hard as hell to convince me otherwise.

He suggested that I'd take one of those online tests, but I don't trust those at all. Because if I have ADD, then I am Bipolar, Depressed, Manic, and I have Body Dismorphic Disorder, Anxiety, I'm Paranoid, AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE BOAT. Those tests aren't reliable. And neither is my judgement on myself. Ah well.

Tomorrow night I might be going out with Bill and Sandy to check out the christmas lights in some rich town. I can't wait. :D

Black Label Society. Mmmm.

Mick sent me a great site. Pandora. You can put in the artist's name or song and it'll put in together your own station of whatever artist and the like. I first put in Straylight Run, then Alice in Chains, then... BLS. I love them, but it's a shame I don't have any of their music. WHY? I dunno? 'Cause I suck? But that band is great. So, try the site out! It's like Mus- Oooh. Enter Sandman. But a tribute song. Lol. Anyway. It's like Musicmatch, but waay better.

I got a letter yesterday about the school clerk position I applied for in October. Just to let me know that I wasn't one of the few to be selected for an interview. Oh well. I've applied for two city jobs and one school district job. I saw a position as a library paige in our library. I gotta try that one.

Hmm. I'm done for now.

Scar Wars

Before I start "ranting," I want to mention that Scar Wars will be in LA in February 10th, 11th and 12th of 2006. So, check out the site if you're interested in going or getting work done. You have to pre-register and they have the right to refuse you. I'd love to go, but I have a feeling because I don't have any mods that I won't be accepted. Which is shit, I know. Maybe sometime later, when I have someone else to go with me. Someone who appreciates the art.

Just because I don't have mods doesn't mean that I am into them. Mods are hawt.

Anyway. I had a blowout last night. Julian's friends came over (again) and I just had it. Everything about his friends bothers me. I haven't even met half of them, but I dislike them all. Shitty of me, I know. I can't help it. I want an excuse, ANY excuse to get a hold of a wooden bat and bash their skulls in, but since they don't do anything to me, I just ignore them. I cried for a long time last night because I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't do a fucking thing about how I was feeling. I didn't have control and I hated it. I wanted to walk out, I wanted to scream at them all, but I only managed to punch the wall. I knew I couldn't cut. Where would I get anything sharp enough anyway? I have nails, why not? That didn't fucking work. It was pointless, so I moved onto my face. Waste of time. I was helpless, so I just laid in bed, crying until I fell asleep.

These moods are driving me insane. I can't stop them, though. Anything anyone does bothers the fuck out of me. Bleh.

Before I go, here's a picture of a naked girl. Out in the snow.

Check out that dental work. Yow!

I know I never mentioned this, but I did see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and the Graveyard scene killed ALL Harry Potter scenes. Best HP Scene Ever. Voldemort. God. Rocked.



Haaaawt.

Fuck you.

So, I was stupid enough to let Julian take me to the agency to apply for a position at his workplace. It happened so fast, I didn't start regretting it until last night. Fuck that. How can I leave Mari here alone? I'm an idiot for letting him make me. And he actually expects me to work the swing shift for the rest of my life. I don't want to work there forever. Fuck that shit. It's HIS job. Not mine. I am sick of him always telling me what I should or shouldn't do. Blah.

I'm going to go over Bill's tomorrow and apply for this library paige job at the library. Then at Mervyn's. Then anywhere else.

If distraction isn't the word.

A while ago I spent a long time looking at the second hand on our wall clock. Listening to Straylight. I was supposed to paint today, but the weather was very shitty and I was nauseous all fucking day. I still am.

A few days ago I spent two and a half hours mentally punishing myself. Zoning out and internally "crying." It was fucking pathetic, but I couldn't stop. I didn't until I broke down. I know it's not true, but everyone around me seems to have found their niche. They know what they want or want to do. "You just need to go back to school." Fuck off. I can't do school when I don't know what I want to DO.

Ah. Fuck this.

Oh yesss. YESSSS.

Just to annoy you all.

Family Guy: Peanut Butter Jelly
Funny Video Found @ GKKO.COM

December already?

It's two months (exactly two on Sunday), since I moved out. Kelly came over yesterday. She's been here a few times, but this time she's here to stay. Our new roomie. She has wireless on her laptop and someone around here must have the net because well... here I am. The signal sucks, though... so we might get the net after. Hopefully I'll get a chip in my computer soon. I can be on when ever I want to. Plus laptops are hard to use.