Because I can!

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll. You're totally weird and very proud of it. Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

What American City Are You?

So... what does Austin have to do with all of the above?

You Are 28% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Oh. Well... great!

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun. And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial. Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well. However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Ha.

You Belong in 1970

If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

No?

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Ha. Right on.

You Should Be a Musician

You have a rare combinations of talents: an ear for music, nimble fingers, and the willpower to practice. You could master almost any instrument you choose to play (if you haven't already!)

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

Hmm. I was thinking more in a drawing area.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have low conscientiousness. Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously. Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions. Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

That's it for now.

I am resting this whole weekend. Fuck it.

How weak are the meek.

Shit went downhill since I left Sandy's last night. My back got worse, I closed the car door on my fingers, my WHOLE morning was fucked over because I couldn't get to school or the materials center. I had to walk to the library in the rain only to stand in front of closed doors. I was so weak after that, so pathetic. I walked away crying because I couldn't handle all the emotions. I wanted to crush my fists onto the church walls that I walked past on my way to Sandy's. 30 minutes and I will have to go to work.

I am too weak for this.

I've never hated Mother's Day like I do now.

I fucking loathe it.

... Okaaay.

Well, I wanted to post an article about Bill's sister, but since I can't FIND it, I'll just post today's horrorscope that I found instead. It's kinda... sheesh.


Aries (March 21 - April 20) I'm really a Taurus, but not today.

Be wary of any attractive get-rich-quick scheme proposed today by a silver-tongued talker. There are efforts to involve you in the belated plans of another person; rather, stick to your own program for yourself and your family. Household matters go well this evening.

I guess. I am still going to try, though.

Post Dump

Thursday, April 13, 2006 12:15 PM

I miss being able to type and post at will. I miss taking my time, going back, and re-reading every word everytime I'd blog. I won't be able to do as I used to until I get my shit together and "settled." I'm almost there! It's just taking longer than I thought. I also though that I'd never get where I am now.

I went to see Mr. Santia today. My counselor from grade 12. He gave me a big hug, told me that I looked great, and that he heard great things about me (thanks to Mari). My visit with him was very short, but it was expected since he's very busy nowadays. And I am no longer his student. But just seeing him smile at me made it all worthwhile. Him calling me "baby" made me feel at ease, too. There aren't a lot of people that can get away with calling me that. If at all. The only other person that I know is Kolin. I needed some advice on what Mari can do to bring her grade up (i.e. tutoring) and it was a great opportunity to see him since it's been years. I hope to visit my other old teachers, Ms. Rowe and Mr. Andrews. And I hope to avoid running into Mr. G while I am there. I've never been good enough.

This past Tuesday, while on my way to Bill's, some car passed by and yelled "crackhead" at me. I told myself, "Okay." And dropped it. "I am better than him. Way better than him." I believed it. After that I decided to avoid ANY form of eye contact (it helped that I was wearing my sunglasses). Another car passed by and the person in it yelled "Hey!" I didn't turn. Fuck that. But the second "Hey!" made me double check since it's usually Bill or Sandy doing that to me. It was Eloise, instead. Heh. That's Bill's sister. She asked me where I was headed and why I didn't call her to ask for a ride (it's only a 15-minute-walking distance from my apartment to Bill's). Sheeesh. "No, no. Talk to the hand. No." lol She's too funny. I told her about how people are usually shouting something negative at me, thus the "not turning" when she called me. She offered me some mace. Woo! God I'd love to. I told her that I was planning on checking out a shooting range and how I started carrying my pocket
knife around with me again.

She took me over to this deli to grab a bite to eat and we checked out this GREAT "antique" store while we waited for our food. It's called The Treasure Room. I loooved it there. It had mountains of shit in there. I saw this beautiful Irish doll thereand I hesitated to get it. "Do I really need it?" Nah. I can do without it. I planned on bringing Julian there because he's always looking for some Asian stuff to decorate the apartment with. And I did the next morning. Julian loved it there too. I bought the CUTEST salt and paper shakers EVER. The salt is a mouse and the pepper is a piece of cheese. Loooove. Julian got a few items, including this CUTE cat cookie jar that looks like Gavin. I took Julian out to eat some breakfast over at Home Kitchen. I got myself some strawberry pancakes. Mmm. But they added too much strawberry and whip cream. I couldn't eat it all without throwing up.

Then off to work I went. It was very busy after 2. I had to train this 15-year-old girl, show her around, and etc. Seeing that she had a Misfits shirt on, I ASSUMED that she would be a little bit more open with me. But I assume that with anyone. I am not a hard person to get along with. A hard person to open, yes.

Monday, April 17, 2006 10:35 AM

Waiting for my dad to pick me up. Watching bullshit on MTV. Fuck that. I got my results back Saturday and they were negative. :) So, I am waiting for Dad so he could take me to the school district offices to turn in my results. Then I can start working. I need to save up money. I also need to help Julian out. But I can do it. I am going to continue to work for Sandy and her father. Even Eloise when she needs it. Waiting for the rain to stop. Destination: beautiful. Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun. Someday will come back to us. If you're willing, let it go. Why won't you just let this be your sun?

So my birthday is this Thursday. Yesterday, I met an older lady who's birthday is on the same day as mine. We gave her a cake and sang for her yesterday. Speaking of yesterday (sheesh), we had a big-ish feast. I made ten pounds of mashed potatos. Two pounds of it were left. The closest thing to perfect, but the farthest thing from me. I don't work Tuesday or Wednesday, but I have to go down to the DMV to renew my ID. On WEDNESDAY, Sandy is getting me an ice cream cake so we can celebrate my birthday before Grandpa leaves for Reno Friday. My dad is coming down to the apartment Thursday to bring me a cake and celebrate my birthday there, after work. Aaaaand, Sandy and Bill are taking me out Saturday over to Taylor's. Never been, but they are always talking about it. It's both a birthday and congrats-on-your-school-job dinner. I'm already sick of cake.

This time is the last time to be here. Be here now. I still am very cautious about my arm. Thinking about getting caught at school makes me nervous. What will I say? Here I am trying to help kids when I am then one who still needs it. I talked to Bill about this and he said to fuck it. It's my business. I guess I can deal with it.

I'm done here.

Thursday, April 20, 2006 10:53 PM

I'm still debating whether to cut my hair or not. If I were someone else I would have done it long ago, but... bah! Half of it is DEAD. Very dry and dead. Very bad. Three more months. It will be a little longer then.

Jobs. I am still working at Contours Express and I will continue until they don't need me anymore (Ha! Right) or until I get a FULL time job at the school district. I got a call yesterday from Jodie (she's been dealing with me since I got hired) and told me that I start Tuesday. Woo. I have to see her on Monday so I can get started on my paper work. Wooo. No. But yeah. Finally, I am going to start. I will train Tuesday. Rock on. I had to go to the DMV yesterday, too because my I.D. expired today. I hate the DMV. Too many people. I've never been to the one in Pomona. Bleh. I should have gone to the one in Rancho. Whatever.

Now, today is my "birfday." Happy birthday to me. Colette sent me a text message this morning. Thanks! I loved it. An hour later, Kolin called me. Woooo! I was so glad. When I got the message from Colette, I wished then that Kolin could call me. I missed his voice. But that was my favorite present this year. So far. :P Yesterday, Sandy made some dinner for meh and got me an ice cream cake. Chocolaaaaaaaaaaate. Yum. I got a card from Grandpa Jack, Patrick and April, and Bill and Sandy. They were all nice. Grandpa gave me this pretty green-beaded necklace and matching bracelet. Cuute. Bill and Sandy (more like Sandy) gave me $50 so I can buy some clothes for my school job. And Mari (prior to my birthday) got me some new PJ pants (I so needed some new ones). They were Jack Daniels PJs. Muahaha. They're nice, but they're guy pants. Sooo... yeah. Lol.

I worked tonight. It was slow but nice. I guess. As I set the alarm and headed outside to lock the gym, Bill was singing (in a horrible tune) "Happy Birthday." Sheesh. He said that he was thinking about driving around the shopping center and screaming, "Yaaay. Cristal! Cristal's biiirthday! Yeeeeeeeeey!" While honking. And he would have, but he thought that I wouldn't like it much since HE IS ALWAYS HONKING AT SOMEONE!! Today, some girl was going into Home Depot with a blanket over her. Bill, OF COURSE, thought that was weird, SO OF COURSE, he was getting ready to honk at her. I grabbed his hand and put it down instead. "Don't HONK at her! Stop it." So what does he do? He rolls down MY window and screams, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahsahsdflkjsda;lfj!" Goddamnit. "Hey, you said not to honk at her." Yeah. I never win.

I didn't get a migraine today. Allergies, yes. But I believe it was Kolin's call (and Colette's message) and that spared me for the rest of the day. I've been very down(sorry) ever since Kolin told me he was in an accident and wasn't able to make it down here in July. I started thinking too much, trying to plan SOMEWAY of getting him here. But I always hit a dead end. I have to help my brother and sister out. I'm still going to try, though. THE FUCK with it. It has to be this July. It's the only month I get off from school before my next vacation time in November. Blaaah. I will see him, though. I just have to stop beating myself too much, though. I've gotten to the point where I am screaming "FUCK PATIENCE! I want him now, asshole." I am sick of patience. Ack. I'm getting a headache. Better stop.

A while ago Julian called me from work asking me what the "hardcore chick's" name was. "What?"

Him: Yeah. That hardcore chick that you like.
Me: Otep.
Him: Noo, noo. That one girl that sings "Blood Pigs."
Me: Yeah. OTEP. That's her name and the band's name.
Him: Ohh. Oh. Okay. Yeah, no. That's not her.
Me: What?
Him: No, no. Maribel is talking to her sister about bands and she keeps mentioning "Hakuna Matata."
Me: Uhh... Lacuna Coil?
Him: Yeah. Them. I dunno how to say it so I just say Hakuna Matata.
Me: Heh. Dumbass.
Him: Oh, and Maribel's sister says Hawthorne Heights sucks.
Me: Okay. I don't give a fuck about what she says.
Him: Yeah, I know.

lol Butthole. Bed!!!!!!!! With Gavin. :)

Friday, April 21, 2006 11:14 PM

AH! I can't stop sneezing! Fuuuuuuuuuck. Allergies. Yey. I took a Benadryl awhile ago and it should start kicking in soon. I never realized how fucking drowsy those pills made me. ONE. That's all it takes to make me hella tired. Good reason to take them before bed.

I ran a few errands today, starting at Bill and Sandy's. I dropped off a frame, a plate, and one of Bill's shirts and said hi to the girls before heading to the bank. Withrew, went into a market and got myself some money orders. After that I went into Rite Aide to get my sister and me some stuffies. I made it home just in time to get an hour of rest before heading for work. I told Julian about how we missed Anberlin last month (I forgot). He went crazy. "YOU BITCH!" Yeah. Sorry!!!! lol I didn't know he liked them enough to SEE them. If I knew we would have gone. AND AT THE GLASSHOUSE of all places. Dammit. Next time. I also told him that I missed Mae. Yellowcard played with them. Julian started at me. "YOU BIIITCH!" LOL SORRY! I didn't KNOW. If we had the internet we wouldn't HAVE this damn problem. I don't have friends over here, I rarely go to music stores, and I don't listen to the radio. What else do I have? We went to Best Buy to get Anberlin's latest CD. I never got around to getting it and they had it on sale for 8 bucks. Rock. We listened to it on our
way to my work.

BUT FIRST, Julian wanted some Starbucks. He had to coax me into getting some since I was so full of doughnuts before we got there. Yeah. I binged. Caramel Frap for me! We sat around in these big comfy chairs and chilled before we had to go to work. He left first since the gym was a few stores down from Starbucks. I felt that this old dude kept staring at me, so I got up and left. I had lots of time to kill. I always do. I like it like that. It was slow at work. I was too out of it to talk to most of the ladies, but I tried my best. Even so, I did a great workout. AND I JOGGED. Or ran. Whatever. But I did. I haven't done that in a long time. It was only for a little while,
but fuck, it was something. Right?

I closed and waited for Sandy to pick me up. Two fuckheads were in a car close to where I was waiting trying to be hard shit. I wished I had my mace. We went to Grandpa's house to take care of some business. We stopped by a place close to my home so I could get some Chinese food. Which is were I came across TWO more fuckheads. They were giving the girl there such a hard fucking time. Taking their shitty-ass time. Kept ringing the service bell. Making a big fucking deal about getting free water. They wanted lids with those, BTW. Fucking around. My patience with them was diminishing. Until I exploded. "WILL YOU GUYS CUT IT OUT?! JESUS CHRIST!" A few of the workers there stared at me. I wish I could have dropped the F-bomb on them, but I didn't want to do it in front of the girl. They left lauging like the assholes that they were and mimicked me as the went. Good riddance. I apologized to the girl. "I hope you don't get people like that all the time." I should have told her she should have REFUSED service, but she just played along with them. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THEY WERE FUCKING WITH YOU. If I worked there I would have gotten the fucking club and cracked their fucking skulls open. Taking advantage of her like that. Making fun of her. MOTHERUFUCKERS. If I ever come across them again- Woo!

Anyway, I noticed this Mexican-looking guy that worked there staring at me a lot. He did double and tripple takes. LOL Nah uh. Can't have me. At times he would stand there staring at me while I ordered my food. I had my sunglasses on ('I wear my sunglasses at night...'), so I don't think he could see that I NOTICED him checking me out. Next time I go, I will take Julian with me (he goes there A LOT) and pretend he is my boyfriend. Or when Kolin visits me, I will take him. Their food there isn't like how it used to be, but I still go there because I have been for years.

Ack. Almost midnight. I only have six hours of sleep before I have to go back to work. For four hours. Woot.

I wish I could hear your voice again.

Sunday, April 23, 2006 10:10 PM

I am sick of cake. But not. I've been eating it almost all week.

I haven't been sleeping well. I try, but I toss and turn a lot. Too many fucked up dreams. My dad came by today with his family. They brought over some pizza and a BIG CHOCOLATE CAKE. God. Chocolate bread, chocolate mousse, CHOCOLATE SHAVINGS. Chocolate, chocolate with cherry and coconut. It was insane. We still have a ton of it left. Dad made me put on a CD by this famous clown from Mexico. I dunno how to spell his name, so I won't bother, but yeah. It was fun. They blew up
pink balloons. Yey. All of them are still all over the floor. They sang "Happy Birthday" to me. I blew the candles that were my gigantor chocolate cake. Woo. We sat around watching Harry Potter while eating the chocolaaaaaaaaate cake. Packing up the pounds. Too much cake. Cake. Pastel. I put some on a plate and went downstairs to give some to Sandy (manager). I knocked on her door, but all I could hear was the doggies. I turned around and noticed that her car wasn't there. D'oh. Oh well, I needed to check on my laundry anyway. I went inside the laundry room only two find these two teens in there that live in the three-bedroom building next to us. Dammit. The girl was sitting on top of the dryer that had my clothes. "Can you please let me check if my clothes are ready?" I really didn't need to check since the dryer had stopped. I knew they were ready to go. I had to make something up. Don't ask why. So, I just opened the door and felt my clothes. "Okay, thanks." I had left the room before realized that I was still holding the plate of cake. Hmm. I went back in. "Do you guys want some cake?"

The girl: Uhhh...
Me: We have too much.
The girl: Uh...
The boy: Yeah, I'll take some.

Not a hard desicion to make, hun. I'm glad they took it. WE HAD TOO MUCH CAKE. I went back upstairs to hang out with the family some more. I opened the present they gave me. I got some magnetic earrings since I can't wear the other kind anymore. Yey. Pink and diamond ones. They got me a card and they all signed it (there were five one-dollar coins in there). And a shirt. lol A KoRn shirt from their Issues album, but the bootleg kind. You know. The type you find at swampmeets. Neat. I didn't know what to say since I don't really wear band shirts anymore. Not as much as I used to. But I like it. It's black! Heh. I told my dad that Julian would want to take it. And I COULD have replaced it if I wanted to, but fuck it. I still like KoRn. I'm just not a freak on a leash anymore. Well, not outwardly. Yeah. I'm an idiot.

Sandy finally came around and I went downstairs to give her a big piece of cake. She was happy about it. Showed me the tattoo she told me she would get done today. She told me that the tattoo artist, or her "homie," comes down to people's homes and does the tattoos there. She had invited me to come down her place to check it out, but I guess she ended up going to his place instead. She got some doggie paws done on the left side of her chest in memory of her dog that had passed away long before we moved in. She also mentioned that he was coming down here sometime soon to give Martin (Sandy's man) a tattoo and that I was welcomed to come and look. I asked if he could bring a portfolio with him so I could check out his style. Apperantly the guy told Sandy if I ever wanted a tattoo to give him a call and he'd take care of me. Sandy says if I get one, it'll be my birthday present from her to me. Hmmm. Should I? I told her that I was picky and not sure what I wanted yet. And where! I've been thinking about getting something done for years and I STILL haven't found anything I want. There have been times when I've found something, but the want fades. We'll see.

Tomorrow I will get my shit together and start from there. I need some luck.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006 10:36 AM

I've been busy working and doing nothing. Doing nothing usually takes up all of my time. I'm hardly home. I am usually working on something. I started my training on the 25th of last month and it's been okay since. Except for the one day when we talked about domestic violence, CPS, and child abuse for three hours. I almost had an anxiety attack. Anyway. I watched videos for the first few days and I met the other PIP aide-in-training, Layla. I think that's her name. Or at least I think that's how you spell it. That week I got to meet the other PIP aide, Adriana, in the school that I am working for (Kingsley). She's nice. She already gave me something cool to do. I get to decorate two walls. :D I already started two weeks ago, but I haven't gone to
school since then because of the training. I LOVE the Materials Center over at OMSD. Oh my God. So many things I can do there. Lots of colors and contruction paper and DIES. Dies are so much fun to use. And they play oldies in there. Woot. I also got to meet the principal, Lynn. She's super nice and was buttering me up like, well, butter on toast. She loves me. 'Tis why I got the job!

I also went to my first PIP meeting that we have every first and third Tuesday of the month. That was very enlightning. All the PIP aides from the district meet those days to talk about what they're going through, what problems they've come across, and ask for advice. I learned a lot that day. I really can't wait to start seeing children. Which I won't until around September since I was hired so late into the year. Ah well. I will be far from prepared when I get my chance.

I got my hair chopped off this Sunday. After four months of thinking about it, I decided that it was time. Before I made my way into the door, I noticed that there was a lot of people in there. Waiting. I almost didn't go in, but I got that far. Why not a step further? Bah. I took a deep breath and went in. This girl took my info and I sat down to wait for my turn. I had my music with me (Eels), but that wasn't helping me at all. I couldn't stop moving and fidgeting. I was very fucking nervous. Borderline anxiety attack. Everything in that place was bothering me. Up until one of the workers there put on a movie. Robots. I wasn't paying attention to the storyline, but watching those objects move around in hilarious manners had a calming effect on me. It was my turn soon after. I told the stylist my "mohawk" story to explain my disasterous hair. I asked for a bob. She wanted to cut more, but I told her that I wasn't sure. I love layers, but my hair would have been even shorter than it is now. I could have gone yesterday and a part of me wanted to, but I decided to wait until it grows more.

Everyone loves my hair. But me. I don't mind it. It's just not a big deal. I can't wait to grow it back long again. It will take at least 1.5 years. Yay.

Most of these were never fully finished. I haven't been posting much since I usually get home late. It's just not the same anymore. And of course excuse all mistakes. Ah. And here's a before and after.

DORK!

Argh.

WHY does everyone have LONG hair? Where's the short-haired people? Colette!!!

Been a while.

For sure. I have been writting. Just not in here.

A lot has happened since I last posted (a month?). The weather right now is great. Nice and chilly. Allergies are still a bitch, though. Work is cool. Especially my school job. That one is going great even though I am still training. Next week will be last week and from then I will be on my own until my vacation time in July. I am HOPING to get a haircut tomorrow. I hope I don't wuss out again. My hair is beyond dead and it must all go.

Watching Alice in Chains videos. :) Feeling great right now. I'll come around with my other posts later.